Wrote this about 7 months ago...
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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
From a perspective of a big sister you make me want to cry, sob. This was heartbreaking. I wish I felt like that about my baby sister. I do, well I try but I could never have summoned this kind of passion and written something like this. It was so beautiful and passionate, you really expressed true heart break! Forget about boys, this is life. Your flesh with differences, that's real love. This is poem is love.
The title wasn't as pulling as the actuall poem which is a shame because it needs to be seen by the world! Always pick a title that people will pick off a bookshelf. A title is one of the most important things. Its what makes a person pick up the book. But I can't complain about anything else. This was obviously really well thought out, you are the meaning of talent friend, I'm nominating you for a badge. xD
Kaka xox
YOU touched my heart and made my day.
NITPICKS:
I think these should be:
Just tell me if these are intentional.
Oh, this is such a lovely poem. It was very touching, my friend. Nicely done.
I didn't much mind. Though if you want to make this better (you know what they say, there's always room for improvement), I guess you'll have to pay attention to the rhythm. Because a failed rhythm here destroys your poem.
But anyway. Nicely done, my friend! I'm off to the next poem. I'm sorry for the short review. You know I have a quest to complete, and I force myself to finish it today. XD
~ Jash ♥
Hey SilentRain, SafeHouse here to review!
Wow! This peice was so powerful. I could very clearly see that you love your little sister very much, in a beautiful but heartbreaking way. Most little nitpicks have already been picked over so I will just keep complimenting. This poem blew me away! Sure, it lacks a bit of imagery, but I am a firm believer that poems can go without it when they are this well put together and have a strong message. Keep up the good work,
~SafeHouse
As a big sister, this poem almost made me cry. I could find myself thinking about all the times I comforted my little sister when she was sick or afraid...It was truly a beautiful piece. You should be very proud of yourself! Keep writing poetry and hold in there. Everything happens for a reason
This is just... beautiful!
Love xxx
It really spoke out to me.
It's like I could tell how distraught you're feeling right now and...
It's so sad.
Well, your poem doesn't really move from the idea that I'm here for you and life sucks. Which is okay, because that is the idea of your poem. What is wrong with it is that it's only idea in this poem.
There is no imagery, similes, metaphors, nothing for us to think about or figure out. It's flat out, you're in pain and I'll hold you. Try adding more imagery to help us get a better picture of what is happening, which will also allow us to relate a bit better.
And on the note of relation: We can't exactly relate to this. There's no actions or anything that would help us feel like we're in your shoes. There's nothing for us to grapse and hold on to. Saying something like: when you say times are hard. How are they hard? What actions can you include to reenforce your ideas and give us a story / chain of ideas that lead into one another and show us how life sucks. Or how times are hard.
As for your rhyme, I honestly do not care. But remember rhyme isn't needed, and if you try to work it into your poem it could end up ruining it.
You have the base of this, now you just need to give it a form. And by form I mean objects of your ideas, real world things that we can see and feel and experiance.
Good luck, keep writing.
PM me with any concerns or ways to improve my reviews;
Silented1.
Awwww(: this is so sweet and touching! It reminds me of my little sister, I would do anything for her, and I'm sure you would do anything for yours! This was just so so so sweet, I'm sure she's proud to be your sister. Great rhyming scheme too(:
-(:Me
Hi SilentRain,
Your poem, showed alot of passion and love for you sister, i have nothing bad to say about your poem. keep up the good work.=P
Passionate and...your love and devotion for your sister is something I wish everyone was capable of. The poem was flawless. Congratulations.
Awwwww my sister!
Hey,
Thank you for requesting a review. Much of what I had to say was already said because you have had some awesome reviewers! Anyone I liked this piece alot, but there were times when an and could be ommited or the rythme was forceful, watch for that.
Have an awesome day,
Tiffany
Hey there.
I'm here to review your poem for you. I'm sure you're aware by now of how I review, so I'll just get onto it!
Overall
This was a pretty good poem, SilentRain. Admittedly, it probably wasn't the favourite one out of all of your poems I've read so far. That's okay though because I do still think that this was a nice read. What I liked the best in this poem is probably the flow of it. There weren't any noticeably awkward moments and I could follow it pretty easily. I think that the flow of a poem is very important. Otherwise, the poem reads awkwardly and it isn't that enjoyable as it could be. One of the things I have noticed in your poems though is that you don't use grammar often. I find that using grammar in a poem makes it look a lot better and a lot more professional. Not everyone likes using grammar in poetry though, so I won't critique this too much. When it comes to your spelling though, it was pretty good. I didn't find any misspelled words, so well done for that.
My main critique for this poem is the content of it. Basically, there isn't really a story behind this poem, is there? I think that it's very repetitive and throughout the poem, you're more or less saying the exact same thing. It's clear that the voice of the poem is going to look after their little sister, but why? Obviously, her being an older sister, she would do so. Is there more to it than that though? Maybe their parents have recently died somehow and the youngest sister feels completely lost. The older sister now feels protective over her and cannot, and will not, allow her younger sibling to get any more hurt than she already is. An aspect that I think's important in a poem is the meaning behind it. If you only paint a poem with pretty, wise sounding words, I don't think it really shows how great it is. You need to tell us a story, not only sound poetic.
The only other slight issue I want to mention is that, at times, it felt as thought the rhyming was a bit forced. I haven't noticed this in your previous problems, so I don't think it's an ongoing problem with you. What I mean by the rhyming sounding a bit forced at times is that it feels a bit like you had to think of a rhyming word. You should only include rhyming words in a poem, in my opinion, if one comes to you naturally and you don't have to think too carefully about it. I won't go into much detail about this because I don't think that it was really that much of a problem. All that you need to do is to edit this poem up a bit and this could potentially be a really nice read.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
SilentRain!
I think this may be the first time I've reviewed your work. And what a stunning piece to review! This was a truly heart-felt and deep poem. I agree with the others, it had a good rhythm and flow. Sometimes rhyming schemes don't work, but this was beautiful!
It wasn't heavy, it was light, but full of emotion! That's what I loved. You made a deep connection with the reader, and I felt what you felt. It was such a beautiful piece! I really loved this! All I can say is, your sister must be truly lucky to have someone like you in her life. Someone that's there, no matter what.
This was amazing! Loved it, loved it and I adored it!!! Lovely work and my best wishes for you!
RedLeaf
Hi there, SilentRain!
This is really good. The flow, rhyming and everything seems to be emotional but in a good way. What I like in this poem is how you've kept the piece personal yet formal. The person you're dedicating this to should have been proud of you, however, showing a hint of the problem you have both encountered might be clearer, though I don't want to pry. It's because I think this is sweet but a bit general to read. Though these are all just based on my opinions. I won't really do a line by line nitpick because I think you have written this pretty well. So all in all, I thank you for the good read.
Keep writing!
Peace out!
~yuri
Thanks to you both for the nice comment!! I wrote this when me and my sister were going through a really hard time with my dad and my family so, I wrote it for her so she would always know that I was here for her and always would... Thanks for the nice words
~Rain~
awww you express a deep honest and intimate relationsip with your sister. You hold true love and utmost care for her, and that makes you a unique special person. Good job.
Write on it's your thing.
Hey. I thought this was really good. I thought it flowed well, with a really good rhythm. I also thought that it's rhyming scheme was really good. It didn't seem forced, which is not easy to do. I also thought that what you were saying was really good. I don't really have anything bad to say about it, but just how much I like it. This is a really good poem.