Strawberries with cream
melt in my mouth
as memories
come back to me
of a different time.
When a smile was a smile
and a hug was full of love.
When the faces that we wore
were the ones
we were born with,
not the masks
we hide behind today.
Memories of a time
before the cutting,
before the pain,
before the bleeding,
before the shame,
before the crying,
and all the games.
Memories of the moments
before all the lies,
When we would all play
and not a thing was wrong.
When there was not a worry,
not a cloud in the sky.
Strawberries with cream
take me back to a time
that is worth remembering.
A time with fresh baked cookies,
and lemonade on a hot day.
When laughs out numbered tears,
before the boys got so angry,
and the girls got so sad.
Back to a time
with fireworks in July,
eggnog in December,
Easter egg hunts in April,
and turkey in November.
Back to a time
I could look in your eyes.
Back to a time
when I didn’t have to lie.
When I didn’t have to bleed;
didn’t have hide my arms.
When I didn’t have to drop my eyes
and let my head hang low.
A time before everything fell apart.
I wish I could go back
to that time;
with laughs and hugs,
smiles and love.
Back to a time
with strawberries and cream.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,213 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
That was really good. You really took such a simple topic and made it into so much more. When I saw the name, I thought it was going to be a bit dream-like and fluff-filled, when rather, it was filled with emotion and pain. Great job. I applaud you.
NITPICKS:
Now, just like in the previous poem I've reviewed, which was also yours, I've seen this unnecessary spaces. I don't know if these are intentional, but let me give you a reason on why you should stick with standard spelling: Unnecessary spaces like these confuses a reader.
For example (a true example):
here's the line
My first thought was laughs was a verb--laughs out. But then I read numbered. When I thought about it, in the way you've spelled "outnumbered", I was like, Wait, it doesn't make any sense. Who laughs out? Numbered what?
See? But if you delete that space, it's clear that laughs is a noun, and it outnumbered tears. Got it?
It cuts the flow, and you wouldn't want that, especially that this is such a nice poem! O_o
I think there should be a "to" between have and hide? Because this just doesn't make any sense. O_o
I think I've told you this before:
I LOVE THIS! I heart it. It's such a lovely poem. AWWWW... *likes on facebook, likes on YWS* WHUT? I can't get over it. LOL
You've saved the best line for last, and that was such a clever trick. You've brought the reader from the start to the end with a feeling of, "Wow!" That's all I can say. Besides the nitpicks above. I vote for this...:p I'm so biased. HAHA
~ Jash ♥
I really love this poem!!!!!
It's kind of sad, but really good. I love the emotion in it, it's really good. And you have really vivid descriptions 
keep writing 
Glorious. That's all I can say. Keep this up. Seriously.
~Lena~
This has to have one of my favorite endings to a poem =)
I can feel the pain in this poem, and the longing to go back to that time of innocence and purity, before life changed and everything turned into a painful world. Oh, the wording was beautiful and graceful - no hangups anywhere.
Did I mention I loved the ending? Bittersweet.
Obviously you've gotten just about million replies to this, so I doubt there's anything else I could really add. Do you think I could put this poem into one of my anthologies? The poem still stays to your credit and there's a chance it'll help it get even more reviws once it's otherwise lost in the sea of other works.
Just message me if you'd rather me not.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Hey SilentRain,
I don't think I have much constructive crticism since everything has really, already been said, hasn't it? So, here's my few hundred characters of a compliment! This was truly magnificent. Definitely, without a doubt, breath-taking. Why? Because of it's simplicity, that's what I absolutely love about your work, they're simple, yet have a deeper meaning and story to them. I love the reference to strawberries and cream, and the beautiful imagery of smiles and warm hugs!
I also love how you begin the poem with "Strawberries with cream" and end it with "strawberries with cream", linking it back to what started the poem in the first place, a memory or strawberries with cream. One little thing you may want to change, I think you've spelt "strawberries" wrong in the title.
This I give a standing ovation to, well done! Beautiful + simple = amazing poem! Is that the secret formula? haha.
Best wishes for future writing!
RedLeaf
o.O This is just epic! I love it. It's so wonderfully written, and totally realistic. (The title has typo though) I love the way you wrote it. There were only a few minor errors:
- 'outnumbered' is only one word.
- Correction: 'didn't have to hide my arms.' or maybe, 'didn't have hide in my arms' (?)
Nevertheless, it was totally beautiful. It relates to the reader a lot. Memories...I just love happy memories. We all do.
quickreply:
hey, silent.
this poem makes me feel so nostalgic. nice imagery, and nice play of words. i can't say anything else, because everyone here took the chance.
keep writing.
-telle.
Since you've already had several reviews, especially TL G-Wooster's, that have covered most of what I wanted to say, I have only three words left:
Typo. In. Title.
*twitch*
One of your reviewers already mentioned it earlier, but it seems you missed it when you went back to edit. Fix it, please. It irks my inner spelling Nazi to no end.
That is all.
I thought that this poem had depth to it's emotion that not many people will get, but that is the beauty of poems it speaks the minds of people. A way of expressing how they feel inside and to let the world know.
The grammar was perfect and I have no bad points. keep writing
Heya
I really loved this, brilliantly written, and like the previous comments, excellent contrasts. I love the emotion, and the brutal honesty of this poem. I connected with it quite a lot, and you drew tears from my eyes!
Keep writing, for I'll continue reading your work!
MissMadHatter
I found this magnificently written and I LOVED the way 'Back to a time with strawberries and cream.' tied it all back together!
This was a very beautifully written poem. Normally I'm not one for the dramatic poetry, because I like poems with a ryming scheme. With that said, I don't think I can bash your poem too much because I'm far from an expert in this kind of writing.
This part is absolutely my favorite part. I LOVE it. Although, it does have a rhyming pattern in it, but the rest of your poem doesn't. In my opinion, that drops the quality of such a great piece as this, because this pattern doesn't continue.
Also, I'm sure other people mentioned it as well, but your title is mispelled. "Strewberries" rather than "Strawberries".
Other than that, Great job all together!
Keep writing!
xoxo,
Kiicoh.
It was absolutly perfect!
It stuck a nurve in me and for that reason I am not ashamed to say that I cried.
I cried like an emotionally disturbed child.
So instead of giving you the awesome review you diserve, I will give you a craptastic 'I just recoverd from crying' review.
This poem was probably the best peom I ever seen and is definatly my favorite.
I totally understand how you miss the love and kindness.
And how meanness and lies have overpowered laughs.
Thank you so much for your amazing talent! ;D
Hai!
This was very good; you handled awkward emotions well without overloading into sappitude. There were a few places, however, where I felt your technique was a little off:
This could be just the way I read it, but the fifth line felt a little awkward and tacked on. I was reading the other lines and there was a nice rhythm, da-da-da-da-da-da, and then that line didn't fit. I don't know, it could be nothing, but it's worth thinking about.
This gets to feeling too list-y. I can see why it would be a list, but it ends up being a monotonous pity-rant of all that's wrong, and the "cutting/pain/bleeding/shame/crying" so close together feels too melodramatic.
This image is clichéd, and the rest of your imagery's good, so I'd change this to fit with the rest.
I think that "out numbered" is one word? My spell-check says it is, but if you don't want it to be, you could shove a hyphen in there.
"The boys got so angry... girls so sad" is rather an odd image, and I don't quite see why you put it in. It sounds like you put it in to rhyme with something, but there isn't a rhyme... It just seems a bit random, that's all.
There should be a "when" after the first "time" so it makes sense, like after the second "time".
Cool final image.
--
So! As I said, this was very good, and it expressed regrets and all without descending into a "woe is moi!" shpiel. Just in the places that I pointed out, I felt you slipped up, but otherwise it was good! PM me if you have any questions!
I love tis poem! I wish it was still like it was `back then'.
Hmmmm this was beyond special! Your description of what you like about what used to be there in our world makes the reader flow along with your imagination. I guess we do live in a plastic world don't we?! Well, I thought this was a special piece, it flowed right to my memories. Good job, keep it up.
Oh. Hello there, SilentRain!
This is an interesting piece. The metaphors flowed very well with the emotions because I don't think they were worded awkwardly. Perhaps in the first stanza, maybe putting in some punctuations might help the flow. But anyways, I really like the concept and the title is very refreshing. Nothing really bad to say because this is a very good read.
Keep writing,
Yuriiko
Thanks to you all that reviewed...
~Rain~
Hiya, mate!
So, this was very good. The emotions rang true, and I got your meaning. Very nice job. I see you did this freeform, which is okay. However, as the reviewer above me said, punctuation makes it easier to read. If you have time, you might want to consider adding some. I found one typo:
"I could look it your eyes"
'It' should be 'in.'
I think that's about it! Lovely job, I hope you continue writing poetry.
-Dreamy
I really like poems that have simple titles but hold a far deeper meaning, like this poem. I also like how you took such a simple topic and expanded on it, especially with the memories. I just noticed, the title says "Strewberries". Well, good job with the form and pattern of this poem, it flows nicely. I suggest some end punctuation so it's easier to read.
This part is sad because it's so true. But I like the way you said that.
Great ending, too!
Good work with this, and keep writing!
so emotional and expertly written, it is BEAUTIFUL. the careless, happy tones of the remembered days contrasts with the depressing reality stanzas perfectly to make it all the more powerfull. such a profound theme isn't often carried across so seamlessly, well done!