Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Asteria
The doctors decide to keep me and Ben in the hospital overnight, to monitor us. I’ll go home tomorrow afternoon, and Ben will go home... maybe in a month or so. We really don’t know.
Personally, I like being treated like the queen that I am here, except that I know I don't deserve it. The doctors and nurses smile and coo things like, "How are you feeling, sweetie?" and, "My, isn't your hair lovely for someone who almost died?" Mostly, I just smile back and say nothing. I'm afraid I'll say something stupid.
Here’s the part where I get kinda personal. Buckle up.
I think it’s safe to say that I’m completely responsible for what happened. I took the keys from where Mom and Dad usually hide our things, I called Ben in a moment of stupidity, and I insisted I was okay to drive to the fro-yo place.
Here’s where you get your satisfaction: it’s all my fault. Not just the car accident. All of this. I let Juno go off with that stranger that night. I basically allowed my sister to be raped.
Which means I had a hand in causing her blindness.
There you have it. That’s why I drink now. When I was little, I didn’t understand it. It wasn’t until around seventh or eighth grade, after years of family therapy of focusing on that night and of re-living the pain so we could move on, that I realized what I had done. That’s when I turned to drink, and that’s how I ended up in a white hospital room, with an IV in my arm, a bandage around my abdomen, and a broken Prom King.
I fall asleep thinking about all of this.
When I wake up, I remember it’s Monday, and it’s time for Juno to go to school.
Mom comes in and explains that Juno will go to school at noon.
“I thought this might give you girls some time to talk,” she says, nodding her head at me, and raising her eyebrows.
Mom didn’t tell, I think. That’s why Juno still talks to me.
“Okay,” I say. I can’t tell whether I’m ready to be relieved of my guilt or whether I’m scared to lose my sister.
Again.
Juno fumbles her way through the door.
“Hey, ‘Steria,” she mumbles sleepily. Frey must’ve dressed her. She’s wearing a dark red V-neck, a jean jacket and dark green army pants with flip-flops. I internally shake my head.
“Hey, Junebug,” I reply. Juno sits in a chair in the corner and waits.
“Mom said you wanted to talk,” she says, yawning. Juno’s not one to beat around the bush, so I don’t either.
“I told everyone about your secret,” I confess. I feel the weight of the guilt rise off of my words like evaporating water. I hadn’t realized how bad I’d felt about it until now. I’d been too obsessed with myself this weekend to feel the burden. “Juno, I’m so... I was drunk, I didn’t realize what I was doing, I can’t tell you how sorry I–”
“Don’t,” she says, standing. Her face is completely placid, like still water. I find myself wishing she’d twist her face in rage. It’d be easier to handle than an expressionless blind girl. “Just don’t, Asteria. You think your problem only affects you, but look around you!” Juno hardly ever shouts, so she whispers instead. Which is way, way worse. “You’ve ruined everything in Ben’s life because of your decision. You’ve probably ruined my life at school because of your mistake. And you expect me to accept that your only remedy for causing this is an apology?”
I feel tears coming on. I expected this from Juno, who doesn’t take any shit from anybody, but that doesn’t make it any easier to hear.
“What do you want me to do?” I beg. “Tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it.”
“Just stay in this hospital today,” she says, already at the door. “Here, at least, you can’t hurt anyone else.”
“Juno, wait!” I say before she leaves. Juno waits. I forget what I’m going to say, so I fumble for a moment. “Are we going to be okay?”
Juno thinks for a moment, then says:
“We’re sisters. We’ll find a way. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but...” She pauses, and nods. “Eventually.” Then she’s gone.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,821 Reviews
Honestly after the brilliant reviews you have here, I think there isn't anything I can add.
If I was Juno, I wouldn't even had said that they would be okay eventually. If she's as angry as she sounds, maybe she'll say they'll never be okay, only to regret it later but not be prepared to take it back again. Unless she has this amazing power to keep under control at all times...
Just a little thing to mention. Not enough for a review though. I am going to keep reading because this is so good!
Deanie x
Yesterday, I look at this and think 'It's really late (as I live in England as you know) so I'll do it tomorrow'. I come online today. 5 comments. Will I never be first? >.<
Hey! IamTraunt here to review this awesome piece of work! (I've still got plenty to say).
Nitpicking Time!
I've got two nitpicks for this. firstly, 'Personally' is used when your giving an opinion about a certain topic, whereas this sentence is more of a statement. Secondly, putting 'that I am here' is just adding in words that aren't needed. Why not just put: 'I like being treated like a queen here' instead? as 'that I am' and 'that' in 'except that I know' is not needed.
The worst nitpick ever, but I doubt that a nurse would add on 'who almost died'. In such an environment, I would presume that a nurse would be a little more comforting as mentioning that she almost died wouldn't be helpful at all. I'd sack that nurse if I worked there xD
This should be kind-of. And - I like how you put buckle up. That's clever
Spoiler
I know, I know - it's me asking what this is again. What's the fro-yo place? Sounds interesting.
So, the problem with this sentence is that it's long. It's really long. I would suggest splitting this into different sentences or alter it slightly. For example:
Hope that helped
~
Again, here's another sentence that you could crop down or alter:
Maybe if you put:
~
Maybe you could adjust this one too:
Maybe if you put:
It just smoothens it out a little. Plus that minor sentence about drinking would stand out more and be more effective because it's more of a statement now.
~
Should be: 'And then she's gone'.
Characters!
Okay, let's take a step back for a moment. This was really interesting character development. I always love the tension when someone whispers rather than shouts - because I know that it's true. It's way worse when someone whispers. I hate it. But it's interesting because you show us rather than tell us. You don't go: 'I can tell Juno won't forgive me easily because she's not shouting at me'. You tell us that she whispers and that is way worse. You're showing rather than telling and that's a beautiful quality. When you shout, it's like letting it all out (sorry for the rhyme), but when you whisper, you're obviously concealing and holding that hatred and anger inside. And I've got a feeling that Juno will soon burst.
Question: Does Juno know that it is partly Asteria's fault that she got raped?
If not, will she ever find out?
Yay! Questions
Story-line!
Like I was saying previously about asking questions, it's a good thing because it means your story line has a follow up. When you have laid out a good plot then you leave each chapter with an uncompleted ending so-to-speak. A lead up. But first, you have to have a good plot (as well as good characters), which you do have. You've ticked off all the boxes, including correct genre (dramatic, teen fiction), good background stories, good character developments, and most importantly, brilliant and interesting story line.
This is a great chapter. I always love it when the truth is spilled, either when the reader knows or either a surprise truth. I love to see how the characters react to this new info. It's good because we can see or imagine a few different ways in which the story could go.
Brilliant chapter as usual! Keep it up!
Hey! Long time no see! Wait... I just commented on your previous chapter...
This is so... I don't know what to say... I would expect that something this serious would be more, i don't know, serious. I'm not saying that it isn't good. Its great, and i like the change. But I think that Asteria could have thought a bit more about the repercussions of what she did before she confessed. And maybe she should've confessed with a bit more conviction... does that even sound right? Never mind. I like how Juno can't raise her voice. Its like me. I end up crying if I try to raise my voice. And, as much as i think this could have been more dramatic, I also think that this chapter is absolutely fabulous even without the drama. It's just that their personalities are like that. I commend Asteria for admitting her mistakes. And did I mention that Juno is so cool, she is making more and more sense to me everyday. She's like the person I want to be. The person I almost am. I can totally relate to her. Except that I'm not blind. O.o I think I've found my soul sister...
Well that's that I guess. Looking forward to reading the next chapter.
Don't keep me waiting.
PS: I noticed that Things Fall Apart became Better Things. Just the two latest chapters. Why is that?
Hey there! Sorry I haven't reviewed any of your recent chapters; you know I've been busy with leaving the country and all. Anyways, I'm back!
Praise
Wow. This chapter reveals so much about your plot. You've developed it so much from when we used to talk about it in the early days. Your character development is stunning. They feel real and relatable. Everyone knows a Juno, someone with a secret. Everyone knows an Asteria, someone who's messed up and doesn't want to face it.
You're also killing me on the feels, darling. Considering how much Asteria has messed up, and, yet, Juno has the compassion to beleive that one day they'll be ok. THE FEELS!!
I love your comparison of Juno's face to still water and then Asteria's guilt like evaporating water. I'd love to see more water metaphors throughout this chapter...maybe like a motif! *throwback to MCC*
I like the way Asteria addresses the reader and tells them to "buckle up". It works because it develops Asteria's character and foreshadows the rest of the chapter.
Nitpicks
I think this chapter is a bit choppy. There's a lot of plot development in this chapter, but it reads a little hopscotchy. There are many short lines that exist as their own paragraphs. I understand doing that as a way to draw attention to the important details, but when you do it too much, it throws the reader off. I would add some detail or descriptive lines in between so it flows better.
Another idea is that instead of making these all their own lines, you could put it all in one paragraph like a run-on thought. As if Asteria pours out all of her confessions at once. Just a thought...
Just be careful with this figure of speech since Juno can't actually look anyone in the eyes. I would consider rewording it.
Juno's behavior is a little confusing here. You say that she's placid but then she starts shouting. Personally, these lines might be more powerful if Juno whispered them, like she's too tired to fight Asteria anymore. Juno has to have some sense of calmness in this situation if she can later say that she'll be ok with Asteria eventually.Just watch your characters' moods and keep them consistent.
I would suggest a new opening line to this chapter to kind of ease the reader in. Asteria can be so witty sometimes, but this chapter just seems to jump right into the medical condition. Maybe something funny like "I hurt." which shows Asteria's dry humor.
All in All
I really did like this chapter. You continue the story line, give the reader a lot more detail, but then end it with a nice cliff hanger. Can't wait to read more!
Keep it up!
Fixed all that! More descriptions, no more the looking-in-the-eye line, whispering instead of yelling, but I can't come up with a funny line to start off the chapter. Thanks bae!
<3
Ok, I intend to leave a more coherent review this time, so here we go. In this chapter, while it is still really good, I did notice a few things that I think you can fix up a little. I don't think that Astria had enough regret or sadness in this chapter. You could also make here more angry. Most people aren't good enough to admit that they messed up, and certainly not so easily. Juno didn't act harshly enough in my opinion. I really feel like this chapter could have SO much more emotion and anger in it, and it went a little too easy for the characters..
However, this was still an awesome chapter, and I look forward to the next one! good work.
Thank you! Well, Juno's not really a harsh person and she knows Asteria doesn't respond well to harshness. Asteria's a bit of an emotional weakling, if you ask me. There are a lot of motives behind why Asteria and Juno react the way they do, so maybe I should work on bringing out those motives more through dialogue and action
thank you so much, this really helped!!
Hi there!
Why is it always the driver who gets the smallest injuries in a car wreck?? Not cool.
Oh gosh, why'd you have to make us feel so terrible for Asteria here? We're supposed to be hating her for spilling Juno's secret and for getting into that accident with Ben in the car and all that jazz. But now she's here telling us that it's all her fault. How am I supposed to hate her if she's so sorry for what she did?!?!
So they're still in the hospital, huh? I didn't really get that. I thought they had gone home. I was going to write out this whole long comment here about how you didn't mention them going home or anything. -_- Maybe it's just me, I don't know. Either way, maybe mention earlier on that they're still there? Have Asteria complain about how uncomfortable she is in that hospital bed or something? Just a suggestion.
I feel like Raven at this point. How dare you rip apart all these relationships like this?! I know that it had to happen, but I'm just over here feeling so upset and sad. Thanks a lot
I really have nothing to say about this chapter, minus not really knowing where they are. You've done a great job with all these relationships. I'm impressed about how well you can keep them all together and balanced as you write. Awesome job!
Darn, now I actually have to wait for the next chapter xD I'm looking forward to it!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Done and done! I think I cleared up where they are, I just added a few more descriptions.
Thank you for the review, lovely!
*Curls up in a ball and cries heart out*
*pats*