Things Fall Apart: Chapter Five: Glowing Stars in a Blind Girl's Room

Hey, there! Lefty here for a review!

I always enjoy reading a chapter written from first person POV when the character is blind. I have a story written in first person POV where a character is blind so I always find it interesting to read how others do it, because it's surprisingly hard! When it's from their perspective but they can't see anything, it makes it difficult to describe what's going on and what things look like. You did a good job of that in this chapter, using the smells, sounds, change of air currents and floor pressure. Very nicely done.

I do feel like this chapter could have been a little longer, like you could continue it with the makeup part and have some sort of conversation that adds some character development or shows more of what their sister relationship is like. This chapter is a good one to have stuff like that in, because it's just the two of them, her blindness is obviously an aspect of the chapter because Asteria would have no reason to be there if she wasn't blind, and the fact the Asteria agreed to help her shows that she cares. Just a personal suggestion/thought.

There is already some character development as it is, which is really nice. You describe things very well. I like reading your writing style and enjoy each chapter. I will be back for chapter six soon! Have a nice day!

-Lefty

I love these descriptions. You have quite a heightened attention to detail, and there is a hint of quiet tragedy, which is good, as it provides a contrast to the humour. Surprisingly, humour and tragedy can often compliment each other, and I think you understand that.

I also like the fact that there is some sisterly kindness from Asteria towards Juno, and the fact that you kept Asteria's blunt sharpness while taking care of her sister was brilliant. You created an oddly touching moment which made sense, and it was frankly beautiful. The ending of the chapter was a great characterisation moment, which shows that despite the jokes and pranks and the full life Juno has, she does have the regrets that we'd expect her to have as a result of being blind.

You raised an interesting aspect of her life as well, the simple fact that she cares about how she looks to others, exactly like a teenager would. It can apply to sighted people too, we only see what we look like, our make up and hair for a few minutes in the morning. The rest of the time, we too are "blind" to how we look, and we only get clues by others complimenting how we look, or staring at how strange we look, or completely ignoring us because we blend in. Did you plan to discuss all of these fascinating psychological aspects in this scene? I don't know, but you did it well.

Wonderful. Can't wait to read on.

"I can practically feel the sarcasm dripping off my voice."
*I would replace the word "practically" with "almost".

"I know are there but can't see."
*add in a comma after "there"

"Can...never see."
* what about "Will . . . never see."?

I am just wondering about Asteria's drinking problem. You say that she is getting help and trying to stop, but it sure doesn't seem like it. Is she really trying to stop or is she just getting help to satisfy other people?

This chapter is great! As i mentioned before though, I wish these were a bit longer... I WANT MOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. As Deanie wrote, I noticed that your chapters actually have a meaning! That's pretty rare these days... I used to do that, but I gave up on it and just started doing chapter numbers. You're still doing a great job at character building, I'm eager to read more! So eager i'm just going to keep on reading now, and not write any more in this review.

Hey there Highness! You must be feeling very special today because you've got my 900th review under your chapter!

I have to say though, this might not be a very long feedback! Firstly, I have started to read the chapter titles, which is sorta something I never do, and I noticed that you've actually got some really good ones going there. So nice job on that ^.^ Also, I really like how each of your characters are realistic and with traits I wouldn't even have thought of, but seeing you write them makes me think, huh, that's an aspect I haven't considered. For example, I never thought that someone who is blind wouldn't like wearing loose clothing for the point that you mentioned. Genius to have it in there!

I think there is one thing I haven't seen much of in this story yet that I would very much like to. And that is setting. So far we have no information what their house looks like at all, or where they are currently staying. Also, no mention has been made of the parents! Who are they, where are they or has something tragic happened in the past that has left them without any? D: We want to know! So, don't forget to describe their surroundings (Maybe not from Juno's point of view and also what happened to the rest of their family.)

I can practically feel the sarcasm dripping off my voice.

I sigh, tilting my face to the ceiling, at the glow-in-the-dark stars I know are there but can't see. Can...never see.

Hey! IamTruant here!
Sorry this is a little late (I didn't have my phone yesterday).
I was literally dying to read this! I love your story!

Characters:
Okay, so this was about Juno & yet again you have wowed me with your character's perspective. You really bring out her feelings about being blind, you tells us through Juno the struggles she faces and how she over comes it (with the help of hung-over sister). This made me laugh xD Asteria is walking around like a zombie but still she obtains her fashion sense I like how you showed the bond between Asteria and Juno, (you did really well with Frey's relationships, so there's no surprise you brought Asteria and Juno's so well).

Dialogue:
I love the way you make your character's talk and interact with one another. You not only show how most relationships between families are, you make your character their own person - by the way they talk and react to one another. Especially when Juno is talking to her hung over sister. We can see from previous chapters that Juno is witty, a prankster and a sarcastic person. You keep showing your character's actions off to the reader, making us aware of how Juno will act in future chapters. You never change Juno, you keep her the same, making her seem real.

Overall:
I know I love your story. You know I love your story. I can't say anything negative about this, so I'll just say what I think. The readers will become accustomed to your characters and view them as people because they are so lifelike. You really bring out their viewpoints, feeling & thoughts, its like watching two siblings in real life. They look out for each other. They argue. They torment and mess about and bicker with one another. You've done this all so well.

Great job! Can't wait to read on!!
Please message when the Sixth Chapter comes out!!!

Hi there!

I'm not going to lie, I had some concerns about you writing from a blind person's POV. How would you really know what they would be thinking or what they'd do in any situation, really? BUT, you've definitely proved me wrong with this chapter. The scene in this chapter is one that people would usually skip in a book. (Getting ready in the morning? Do I really have to read this?) BUT, it's super important for your character development. I think that you have to work extra hard when writing in Juno's POV because she's blind and people won't automatically relate with her. They might feel bad for her because they know she's blind, but that's it. So you need scenes like this where you really dive into her normal life. It's really cool to see how she gets ready in the morning and goes about her day.

Reginald, being a male, doesn't understand style.