Published May 31, 2014
Frey
English is probably the bane of the entire universe. At least, it is for me. Mostly because I have to be in that class with both of my sisters and my least favorite teacher. My parents wanted us to be in at least one class together every year. This year, it’s English. Specifically, AP British Literature and Composition. Translation: Frey’s Fatal Failure.
“Freyr Highlander,” calls Mrs. Leicester, the English Knowledge-Demon. How the hell do you even pronounce that name anyway? I know she’s the wife of Juno’s history teacher, so I’ll have to ask Juno when I get out of this prison-esque mistake of a classroom.
“Yes sir–I mean, ma’am?” I get a few chuckles from the class. I grin in the face of doom.
“Please explain to the class the definition of a synecdoche and use it in a sentence,” she growls. What the hell is a sin-eck-doh-key anyway? Her voice reminds me of Miss Trunchbull’s voice in Matilda when Mom made the three of us watch it with Arinna.
“A synecdoche is a literary device in which a whole is made to represent a part of the whole or vice versa,” Juno recites. “For example–”
“Juno, you are not Freyr,” Mrs. Leicester snaps. I want to shout at her for using my full name. Even if it's a one letter difference, I've tried numerous times to find a way to change my records. Something about that stupid R on the end makes my skin crawl. My face starts heating up. Juno's dead eyes flash to the ground, embarrassed. Most likely, she didn't hear Mrs. Leicester call my name.
“Sorry, Mrs. Leicester,” Juno says. She fiddles with her walking stick, trying not to make too big a deal of her mistake. Juno hates talking out of turn in class. She told me once it draws attention to her blindness, but I don't understand how. I guess it's a special blind-person thing.
“It’s fine, sweetheart.” Mrs. Leicester’s mood swings are legendary. Everyone knows she dotes on Juno because she’s blind. Juno can’t stand it, but she still uses it to her advantage to get out of sticky situations. She loves being right, but hates being pitied.
“Actually, it isn’t, but okay,” Juno says through clenched teeth. Emma pats her on the back. Emma's great at soothing people, even if she is psychotic in every last sense of the word.
“Now, class, I don’t believe in syllabi. So I’ll be giving you weekly emails that will contain the week’s assignments.” I roll my eyes. Why should I care?
Suddenly, a piece of paper flutters to my desk. It's slightly crumpled, like a lightly used paperback. I look around and make eye contact with...Dear God, it’s Adrian Kingston. Adrian Kingston is Asteria’s best guy friend, Juno’s best normal friend, and my personal favorite human being. Adrian Kingston’s jet-black hair curls around his hairline and cradles his perfectly sculpted ears. His deep brown eyes frame his beautifully crafted smile that curves over his perfectly straight pearls. Oh, my God, I think I’m in love. He smiles at me and my heart. Freaking. Stops. Can’t. Breathe. I open the note.
Want to schedule a repeat of ben’s party this Friday at the lock-in?
I almost cry actual and literal tears of happiness but then I manage to hold it together. I try to write something coherent.
You’d better have your whole weekend cleared.
An old, wrinkled hand slams down on my desk like the clutch of a crazy person’s cold fingers around a poor, innocent kitten’s neck. The blue-veined appendages of the She-Devil wraps around the piece of paper, choking the life out of the scrap.
“What’s this?” she asks. Her hands are lifeless as she maneuvers her fingers through the folds of the paper. Despite my nearly fatal cardiac arrest, I still have the consciousness to think about an escape route. If I took it from her, what would happen? If I stuffed it in my mouth, would she really be that upset? Can my sisters bail me out of this one? I twist to look at Asteria, pleading through my eyes. I tap my feet in Morse Code for Juno, spelling out S.O.S.
“I passed him a note, Mrs. Leicester,” said Asteria,“I wanted to...” She trails off, thinking. She’d read the note before passing it to me. “To see if Frey could drive me to the Lock-In the way he did at Ben’s start-of-the-year party last week.”
A silence hung in the room and writhed around each body, like a disco ball casting light on every surface.
“Why would Freyr want you to, quote, ‘Clear your weekend’?” Mrs. Leicester asks incredulously.
“Because we might just stay at school all weekend,” Asteria continues. “We still have to finish our summer reading, and we need access to the school library.”
Praise God, the bell saves us. I bolt from the room before the Knowledge-Demon can inquire further. Adrian meets me at the end of the hall.
“I’m so sorry that happened,” Adrian says in his deep baritone of a voice. If his voice were a color, the color would be navy blue. “I don’t have your number, so desperate times...” His smile infiltrates his composure. I smile at the floor.
“Here,” I say. I take his phone from his hand and create a contact for myself. “Don’t make my sister have to cover your ass again.” Adrian smirks again and walks off. My heart follows him.
“If I have to save your stupid ass one more time today, I might have to kill you to save me some time,” Asteria slurs from behind me. I nearly jump out of my pasty skin.
“Thanks, ‘Steria,” I mumble. Juno and Emma walk by, laughing their heads off. I groan, and try to steel myself for my next class.
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139,327 Literary Works • 672,532 Reviews
I like your little "Frey's Fatal Failure". And the way you describe Frey's English teacher is hilarious!
"“Freyr Highlander,” calls Mrs. Leicester, the English Knowledge-Demon."
*just a typo . . . Freyr should be Frey . . . but I see you definitely do this more than once, so maybe this is on purpose? Oh, it's his full name. You might want to clear that up in the beginning.
"Want to schedule a repeat of ben’s party this Friday at the lock-in?"
*ben's should be capitalized. Unless you're trying to make this casual because it's just a note, but if that's the case, then you should probably skip out on capitalizing the first letter and the punctuation also.
"Asteria,“I wanted to...”"
*there needs to be a space in between , and "
As always this is great, but I would definitely change the rating.
"English Knowledge-Demon"
An old, wrinkled hand slams down on my desk like the clutch of a crazy person’s cold fingers around a poor, innocent kitten’s neck. The blue-veined appendages of the She-Devil wraps around the piece of paper, choking the life out of the scrap."
I AM LITERALLY CRYING WITH LAUGHTER RIGHT NOW. THAT. WAS. BEAUTIFUL! And i'm sort of tired, so I can't really remember, but isn't Frey a guy? It almost seems as if he's gay (Maybe he is, and there is nothing wrong with that). If so, great work in adding in some color to your story! I can't write anything more in this review, I'm laughing too hard... great work!
Hi there!
Sorry it took me while to get to this. But I'm here now!
Do the troubles in Frey's life ever end? He's had some rotten luck xD
So this is a nicely written chapter. You're doing a good job of exploring each of your characters. I think that's a bit easier for you since you're writing in all their different perspectives. But still, we get a good idea of how everyone is. Frey for instance is that kid who feels left out and hates most of life. At least, that's how I see him.
One small nitpick I have for you here. Whatever was written on the note, it should be in italics. That way it's separate from the rest of the chapter.
So this is a trick that I learned in a creative writing course I took a few semesters ago. When your character names something, see what I underlined, you don't have to explain why. If it's normal for your character to say it then they wouldn't feel the need to explain you know? If you want to keep this sentence though you can tweak it a bit. Just say he refers to a lot of other teachers like that. Or say something like, "Not to be confused with Mrs. Jackson, the math Knowledge-Demon". Either way you can show the readers that he calls other teachers the same thing without him explaining it.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks Noelle!
I'll get right on that nitpick because I really like that little thing.
Hey there your Royal Highness, *bows*
I apologise for my lateness. I also apologise beforehand for the shortness of this review... really I am not sure to mention that hasn't already been covered by prior reviewers. So I shall do my best!
I have to say, Adrian seems like a pretty nice. Always very yielding towards Frey, hmm... I was also interested to see his full name used. It would also be nice for you to mention how it changes the pronunciation? Right now I can't imagine that r as anything by a silent letter addition, which wouldn't be too embarrassing if used in speech. Also, I guess this shows what good sisters he has
I am wondering though, how can they all be in one class together? I am assuming they are all different ages seeing as you mention younger and older and the such. And in all the schools I've been to lessons have been age group separated because it marks the level your mind should be working at. So I am curious and wondering how they are all in the same class. Although their mother may be the headmistress, I am sure there are some rules even she can no surpass. Such as this one. Maybe this just needs a bit more mulling over to find a good enough reason?
Hm, I had to read this twice before I noticed the 'dead' part and registered it as a connection to the blindness. At first I thought how does she see to look down? It would be much easier if you just mention that she bowed her head in shame or something. Lots of blind people find it rather hard to control where their often relaxed eyes are going... which can be a bit creepy, hence a lot of blind people feeling more comfortable wearing sunglasses. I wonder, does Juno do this?
As for the rest of the plot, this is definitely shaping off. I feel like Arianna is such a background character, but as she is just as much one of the kids as the rest of the teenagers are, maybe she could get some more love? I feel like I often forget about her, and that is never a great thing. So, just trying including her in there a bit more, perhaps when they all get back from school.
I might have to wrap up here already, I have nothing more to add! I didn't even know you posted another chapter...
Deanie x
Oh my dear, you've missed an important bit!
Juno, Frey and Asteria are triplets. That's how they're in the same class.
Arinna is their little sister, who is nine, and therefore isn't as important in the plot as much as she is important in developing the characters of Juno, Frey and Asteria.
Freyr with an R is pronounced with two syllables, Fray-yer. That'll come up a little later.
Ooh I am sorry for not noticing :'(
Hey! IamTraunt here to review as requested!
Wow, so good, lol: 'English is probably the bane of the entire universe.'
Seriously!? I read one line and I'm already stunned! You are amazing, honest.
Corrections!
Now, as I am a religious person - I am pleased to say you put "God" with a capital, but you capitalized "dear" as well: (which didn't need to be)
You also need to put a space in between the ellipses and the "dear".
Not sure if this is spelled right in America, but you spelt 'favourite' without the 'u'.
You need to capitalize 'ben'.
I know your in love Frey but at least give your crush his phone back!
Characters!
Sooo, Adrian, hm? You make him sound like a pretty decent guy - fairly good looking to say the least. You really portray him as 'the guy for me' (me meaning Frey). He has that sort of feel to him that you want some sort of spark to go off and Frey and him get together. Its sweet, even though I wouldn't choose to be gay, its still sweet.
You get to learn more about Frey here, and his worry and anxieties about 'coming out of the closet' so-to-speak. You can tell by the way Frey reacts is that he doesn't want to be know and stamped as 'gay'. Maybe that's not the best choice, but still Frey wants it like that. And question: isn't Freyr a girl's name? xD
Storyline!
Ooooh! The tension and the drama is building up! I'm clawing for more, seriously. I want to find out more about if Juno will accept boys and maybe go with Ben. Maybe. And also, I want Frey and Adrian together as I can really see something going on between those two - I mean, who can't? You really get the reader wanting more - to answer those questions they have. I do. I want to see what's happening with the relationships. Freydrian! Yeah!
See you for the next chapter
Thank you thank you thank you!!!
No problem! Anytime, your highness!
*curtsies*
Hey there, RoyalHighness. GreenLight24 here with a review for you on this lovely saturday afternoon!
Before I get into the constructive criticisms, I'll just spazz about everything that I though you did well. Now then, the review.
*clears throat*
First of all, I'd just like to say that I haven't read the rest of this novel, and even so, I was able to get a very good glimpse at each of the characters and the general themes and conflicts that have arisen within the work so far. I love the way you've developed a distinct narrative voice here. There's nothing more refreshing than reading something when you feel like the author has really put their own unique spin on things. Not only does it make their writing unique, but it also adds a whole new dimension to the storyline and brings the text to life. I can tell from reading and rereading this one that you've put lots of thought into how you want each of your characters to come across and how they fit into the dynamic of this book. Sometimes writers struggle with developing characters in a way that makes them seem realistic and relatable at the same time interesting and unique. Here, you've done that pretty well. As far as the personalities of each of the characters go, I couldn't really get a full idea of what each one was like because I've only read this part of the novel. However, I was still able to get a glimpse into each one that you introduced here.
Another thing that was cool about this chapter was how you made your main character imperfect. That's a very important thing for any writer to do because, quite simply, no one is perfect. A perfect character wouldn't be relatable because perfect people don't exist. Even though we might like to think that Anna Kendrick and Channing Tatum are perfect, I can assure you that they aren't. So why should our characters be perfect then? My point exactly. Being a high schooler and having actually just finished a year-long course in AP British Literature, I guess I can relate to your narrator's attitude towards it. (LOL.) Let's just say it isn't a picnic and if it were a picnic there'd be all kinds of ants and snakes and other crap you don't want at your picnic. I guess what I'm saying is that I like your main character because she is realistic at the same time she's interesting.
And now we move into Criticism Land...
Although your characters are interesting and you've managed to create a realistic image of what high school life is like, there are some technical things that I think could definitely be adjusted. First of all, your pacing is blazing fast. I mean this in the nicest way possible, but this was a chapter that I had to read and then reread in order to process everything that just happened. Don't get me wrong, it makes sense. All I'm saying is that I think you should go back ad add some more substance to it. Maybe some extra description or some extended dialogue in a few spots. I just feel like it was a little bit rushed. Not only would adding more to this help slow your pacing down just a bit but it wold also allow you to further utilize your unique narrative voice. Now that I think about it, this has a verrry generic feel to it. Adding more to it would also allow you more opportunities to add some more flavor to it as well.
I'm really out of it at the moment, and just downed a full 2-liter bottle of Mtn. Dew, so please excuse this review if it's less awesome than usual. Even so, I hope this helps you going forward. Nice chapter. Never Stop Writing.
Thank you for the review!
I made a few changes, added a few things to slow down the pace and liven up the narrative a bit. Hope it helps!
Cool. I actually like it better the second time around lol. Honestly though, it was already good. You just made it better.
Thank you!
Sure! I'm glad I could help.
wow! That's a nice story of a memorable day, lemme review a bit,
I like the way you use the one word sentences , it shows that you're excited or something.
"when I get out of this prison-esque mistake for a classroom.",try using "of" for "for".
"Oh, my God, I think I’m in love.", there's an exclamation mark missing at the end.
The story is good save for some minor improvements needed...
You didn't exclaim how great a time you were going to have meeting with this guy, at the end of the story, but its optional.
Keep at it, hope that helps.
Thank you for that note on the prison-esque mistake thing because I wasn't sure which preposition to use!
The "I think I'm in love," without an exclamation point is actually kind of profound. Frey's love for Adrian is too deep to require exclamations of passion or loud proclamations of admiration. Putting an exclamation on the end of that makes it sound like puppy love, or a crush. It demeans the meaning of Frey's feelings. So I always use periods after declarations of love. If you think I'm completely insane, read A Valediction Forbidding Mourning, and you'll understand what I mean.
Frey doesn't exclaim what a great time he's going to have for the same reason.
that's not completely insane, Its just your unique way of expressing deep, i normally use many periods....i get it. Cool! That title sounds interesting..