Asteria
The auditorium spins around me as I take my eleventh shot of vodka. I’ve just finished a dare that I can’t remember and the alcohol is my reward. I have a reputation to uphold, you know.
The colors of the room swim together, reds and whites and blues and yellows and greens and blues (did I already say blues? Who cares?), running together to make a moving mural of ecstasy I don't want to escape from.
When I’m drunk like this, I feel happy and invincible. Some might say that’s a bad feeling to have, but how can it be bad if it feels so good?
The empty water bottle we’re using spins faster than the big room we’re sitting in. Across the circle, I see someone who I think might be Oliver but I’m not sure because Oliver would never be cool enough to play spin the bottle.
The bottle Jason had spun lands on Henrietta and they make out for the allotted seven seconds. I don’t hear the smacking noises and I’m grateful. Love is gross. Ben James’s face rises in my mind’s eye but I shove the image away. Love is gross.
Henrietta then has to play truth or dare. She picks truth and Jason asks a question that I can’t quite catch and Henrietta answers to the shrieks of Lindsay and the other girls. I don’t know what Henrietta said and I don’t care to. I just want to drink and forget and drink some more.
Henrietta takes a shot of vodka in reward for her honesty.
A few forgotten minutes later, it’s my turn to spin the bottle. It lands on someone across the circle and I lean forward, only vaguely aware of lips and a dulled spark and the shortest seven seconds of my life. Someone hoots and I hear Henrietta’s annoying laugh. Somebody asks me, "Truth or dare?"
“Truth,” I hear my voice say far, far away.
“How did Juno go blind?” someone asks. I frown sloppily. They’re reminding me. I need a drink. Quickly, get a drink, the memories are coming back. Make it stop, Asteria. Just tell them, it’s easier that way. Who will it really harm, anyway? It's not like anyone will remember this.
I take a deep breath.
“She was raped,” I say, “With an overdosage of methanol. She was seven. Give me the vodka.”
Eleven shots? Twelve? I can’t remember. I don’t want to remember. Someone shouts in the distance. I feel the sweet darkness closing in, and it’s going to surround me, but not before I see my mother standing over the circle with the half-empty bottle of vodka in her hands.
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139,327 Literary Works • 672,532 Reviews
Oh. No.
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:C
HOW COULD YOU, YOU CRUEL PERSON? HOW COULD YOU DO IT LIKE THIS??? (Although good work, I felt that one where it hurt. that was well written.) Why would you do this to the readers? That was so sudden... and poor Juno!!! T>T I feel for her... and I want her to smack the booboo out of that hag. ON to the next chapter!!
Hi there!
Um...whoa. I did not see that coming at all. I mean, I knew that Asteria was going to drop the bomb and spill Juno's secret, but I wasn't imagining something like this! How dare she. She knows how much that secret means to Juno! That's just not cool Asteria. NOT COOL!
Okay, so I have a few things that I'm wondering after reading this chapter. First thing is, why hasn't Asteria spilled the secret before now if all it took was for her to get drunk? She's an alcoholic, basically, and gets drunk way more than just here and there at a school lock-in, I'm sure. Hasn't anyone taken advantage before and asked her? Why is this time so different from all the others?
Secondly, I'm having trouble understanding how Juno went blind. (this could just be because I've been up way too long and I really need to sleep so bear with my ignorance if there is any)
Okay, Juno was raped. That part makes sense to me. That explains why she was so upset that Ben was leaning in to kiss her. Obviously the man (boy?) who raped her would've done something similar. But then it says "with an overdosage of methanol". To me, that sounds like the methanol raped Juno (dang that sounds weird when I actually write it out...).
Although now, as I'm reading this over, I'm wondering if Asteria is actually saying that the methanol raped Juno, using the word 'raped' differently than the actual connotation of the word. Either way, those two parts of the sentence don't really fit together.
Oh no. There's no way Asteria is going to get away with this. No. way.
This chapter is rather short, which makes me sad. I wanted to read more! It all ended so quickly!
Well, there isn't much else to say. I just want to read more! Give us the next chapter! I don't wanna wait! Wahhh ><
Anyways, brilliant writing here. The imagery and overall feel of this chapter is great. I just wish that little twit Asteria would keep her mouth shut when she's drunk. Or at least learn to lie when she's drunk! What kind of a seasoned drunk is she?? Not a good one apparently.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
P.S. It's late and I should really be asleep right now. I have no idea how coherent I sound in this review. My apologies if I just ended up rambling on and sounded like an idiot xD
So I spent around five to seven days trying to figure out how Juno could go blind. I knew there had to be a rape involved because I needed that character development for Buno's relationship. I did a lot of research and found that if you drink what are called in polite society, "methylated spirits," in great quantities, you can go blind as well as get intoxicated.
So I meshed the two together; you'll find out the details from Juno in the next chapter.
Yeah, I thought that sentence was weird even as I wrote it but I figured since Asteria is drunk, that's how she would say it.
You bring up a really interesting point about why Asteria has never dropped the bomb before. She'll explain later but I think it has something to do with Ben liking Juno and Asteria being jealous... Just a thought.
thank you so much for your very in-depth review even though you were probably really tired! Stay tuned, the next chapter comes tomorrow!
... Oh no. Oh no no no. JUNO O.O Poor Juno!
Hey! IamTraunt here to review!
Nitpick!
^ That was me. Asteria! How could you!?
Anyway, I just wanted to say 'over dosage' is not all one word.
And that's the only nitpick... wow.
Characters!
I'm fuming. Seriously. Steam is coming out of my ears and I'm going red in the face. Well... after I almost had a heart attack and screaming at my mac. Why? Asteria - why, oh, why? This bubbled up the worst emotions inside of me EVER. Guilt, sickness, worry, anger, upset... and so on. I feel awful for Juno, as well as having an awful felling someone will remember the conversation they were having. Its like fate has set its course. This was bound to happen. I've never been drunk, but I know that people have no memory of certain things when they were stoned. But I know that some DO remember things and unfortunately... this is going to be one of those things, right? It just sums up your title in one - the previous and this chapter. BOOM. Ka-put. Done. Things are falling apart.
Storyline!
Ooh! Spin the bottle! I like that game. Its a typical game that teens would play, right? Its thrilling, you get juicy secrets being spilled and you get to have a right laugh - trust me I know. Kissing someone, eg; your best friend? I never done that! *Coughs* Saying who you fancy? Never. Its typical fun. I like how you've used that as your story line, its clever because you get to tell the deepest, darkest secret EVER. I loved it!
Keep up the good work!
Oh My God What The Hell... Who did it? I'm gonna kill 'em! No. Wait. I think it's better if Ben kills them (or him, whichever it is). Yup.
Honey, I will go to the moon and back and still wait for your next chapter to come out. You are so... I've lost my words. I guess you're just writing what comes to you right? I mean that's how I end up with my best work... I'm rambling. I don't know what else to say...
Oh! By the way, you forgot to change the settings for this chapter.
heheheheheehhehehehhehehehhehehehehhe
it's funny you say that thing about ben
heheheheheehehehehehehehhheehehehheehhehehehhHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA *cries*
Is that a hint? I wonder... I suspect Juno will tell Ben (very dramatically?) I cannot even imagine his reaction! Like I said, the next part will be EPIC!
hehehehehehehiadpbuioda;sfuv90oih;ewioafdbu90faegiohqrwfodsuv9sbpf'eiwqhr;f
Oh my gosh!!
We finally found out how Juno went blind, NOT what I was expecting. You gave me such a shock and before I could even get over that Asteria passes out with no further elaboration (not that it's really needed I guess). Somehow though, I do find myself wanting to know more like everyone else. You presented everything so well, this has got to be the best chapter yet.
The next chapter is going to be EPIC. I see Juno in a totally new light and so (I imagine) must everyone else so I want to see more of her point of view.
I love the way you've done Asteria's voice. It's realistic and portrayed brilliantly, even down to how it changes when she's drunk. Each sibling is different, I cannot be more impressed.
Waiting patiently for the next chapter. Hopefully I'll spot it as soon as it is posted.
Once again congratulations on the super fast updates. How do you do it? I bet you plan each chapter so it's easy to write. I haven't even got a solid plan for my entire novel, maybe I should put more effort into planning.
Funnily you should say that! I never plan what I'm going to write. I had no idea Asteria would drop that bomb until I started writing her dialogue! What y'all don't know is that I'm just as surprised that Asteria said that as you are
Thank you so much for you review and your reads! They're what keep me going. Thanks, love!
*gasp*
What? Did I say something, writer?
You don't plan? And this comes out of "not planning"? I can't even
*looks away wondering why she can't do the same thing*
XD
Asteria must be SO drunk because she's just like "give me the vodka" after she said what happened. But... I sorta understand, I don't know why. It might be that I'm getting to know her character.
Yup there is actually zero planning involved. I have like three or four big things I want to happen but I never know when or how or details ever.
I'm glad you caught that, Bella! It was big character development in one little phrase. I'm glad you guys like it so far!
Sorry about, uh, tearing out your hearts.
Seriously, I can imagine that Ben will be devastated,
Character development is HARD. I think it always comes across as subtle but it must be obvious enough for the reader. Sometimes I guess it happens automatically.
I've tried to change perceptions of one of my characters and I gave her a bit of a speech/rant/confession. Not so subtle.
Hey there! I saw this chapter in the greenroom so I thought I'd give it a read. I'll have to look at the other ones, considering I thought this chapter was very good! It was well written and you did a good job of showing instead of telling. You showed what she was feeling so well that I almost felt dizzy myself! It was well written and I kept wanting to know what would happen next. I liked the end, how she saw her mother just before passing out and found it amusing. I want to know what happens next. How much trouble does she get in, or is her mother sympathetic? You have very good grammar and I don't remember finding a single typo. It looks like you're quite far into your story and that's awesome! You're quite a good writer. Kudos to you!
Wow, thank you! Thank you thank you!
I cannot review this. It is pretty short, but then pretty great as well.
I can't believe Asteria blurted it out like that? D: I also can't believe what happened!
*sits clutching her tea mug and waits for more*
Awh hun
*hugs*
Hey Royal! I am so so so sorry I didn't review the last chapters.
But I'm going to make up for it now
So this is a very important chapter
duhas it is revealing to us what happened to Juno.(Even though I knew what happened to her, kind of, I was shocked to see it in the chapter.)
Alright I'll do nitpicks first, and then praise and now I'm rambling...
Nitpicks!
So this sentence could very much be a trait/showing us how Asteria thinks and talks when she's drunk. But the thing is, this is the only sentence in the entire chapter that is run-on and confusing. I think it's the words in parentheses that throw me off when I reread the sentence. Because you already have a subject AND a verb before you say: "(did I already say blues?) and then you use another verb afterwards. (they're in bold)
So perhaps take out one of the action. Either say they swim, or say they run together. Just to clean it up a bit
Again another run-on (which of course is Asteria's voice when she's drunk, but still) First off you use repetition "Oliver", so maybe switch one out with "he". But I do admire how you portray Asteria in her sentences.
So Asteria has already mentioned that drinking a shot of vodka is a reward. Does it really need to be mentioned again? Of course this isn't a serious nitpick (pfft, you could look past it, if you want) but maybe avoid the repetition and name it something else, or describe it in a different way. "Prize" could be used, but just a suggestion.
This sentence was worded a bit strange. and the comma use as well. Perhaps switch is so it's this: "The memories are coming back quickly." I just found it odd to be used at the beginning of the sentence. But you're probably make it so it's Asteria's voice when she's drunk (I mention that a lot, don't I?
PRAISE
Good description! I like the similes and the metaphors that you've used. And the way you're sentences portray Asteria are genius! Great job
I can't wait to read what happens next!
What can be worked on
So I said you used great description, but I think you could use just a little more. You do a great job, but you need to SHOW us more rather than tell us. But you've pretty much mastered it, it just needs a little more spice added.
Like maybe describing her voice more, rather than saying "far far away."
I dunno, just things to look at. Well I hope you've found this review helpful.
This story is [i]very[i] [b]very[b] impressive. You've managed to update it more than I ever could with my story
Keep writing!
Wow thanks writer! This was so helpful; I'm going to get right (write?) to work on those suggestions.
Thanks for the review dear!
Oh you're so punny, XD
You're welcome, Royal