Things Fall Apart: Chapter Three: Frey's First Day

Hey, there! Lefty here for a review!

This is a good chapter. It shows more of how the relationship between the siblings is, including character development for all of them. I enjoy reading your writing style and some things I even find to be written cleverly, which is sometimes rare.

"Are those...Frosted Flakes?" Asteria slurs, her face barely visible behind a mat of black hair. I look down at my bowl, then up at my sister.

"N-no," I say.

"Gimme the flakes, and you don't have to die."

Here again!

Right, I like how you have maintained the honest-to-goodness laugh out loud humour. You write in a way that makes laughter the only option! Love it.

Your characterisation is brilliant. You spent enough time building them up and they are consistent and have a presence that pops out of the page. I felt Asteria's irrational rage, especially from the perspective of someone on the receiving end, and I loved it.

In terms of the story flow though, it was unclear what the timeline was between the previous toothpaste chapter and this one. It has taken on that "joke book" vibe I referred to in the previous chapter, where we just accept that it's another day/another context entirely when we turn the page without a sense of A happened after B, which caused C. There is nothing inherently wrong with that, but it does make a novel format feel like we're being jolted from one scene to another. Especially since there is no obvious overarching theme/story goal yet. I would say rethink it, and loop one in as early as the first chapter and let it build from there. It would give your fascinating characters something fascinating to do.

Examples might be that Reginald the monkey needs some routine vaccine shots and Juno mentions it in passing to start with, but then later it becomes more urgent as his health is compromised in some way. Highlighting some kind of goal makes us turn the page to see whether or not the characters reach that goal. All the more fascinating if they need to work together to achieve it, despite their differences. Each of your POV characters could have goals that either compliment each other or clash, and by now we need a hint of what they are.

I see you have a lot of chapters already, so you definitely keep your characters busy, but at this stage I'd like some hints of what kind of stuff they will get into. It currently feels like the story hasn't started yet for me. If the characters weren't as funny and fascinating as they are, I may have lost interest, so you are on the right track with them. I'd just beef up the plot a bit more.

Also, their parents are conspicuously absent in this scene... if there are none, then you need to add an explanation as well as how they survive on their own, paying rent, caring for a much younger sibling etc. If the parents are around, but not in this scene, let one of your characters acknowledge them. Parents are a huge part of teenager's thoughts, be they present or absent.

Hope this helps!

"Juno's figure—or Asteria"
*I would add in a 's after Asteria

"all 18 years"
*usually it looks better whenever you write out the number word, instead of the number

"18 years of my life hurry before my eyes"
*I would take out the word "hurry" or just replace it with a synonym.

I love how you describe Juno as being scared of his sisters, especially with the encounter with Asteria when she is hungover. You describe the situations well and make the feelings experienced by your MC relate-able, which can sometimes be hard to do. You also have the skill of writing in present tense down. I am trying to write that way with my current story and I know I mix up the tenses all the time! Great job!

Demon Witch from Hell.
Let me just think about that for a moment...
That is the best name to come up with after suddenly waking up. Beautiful! BUT.
BUT
BUT
BUT
WHO
DOESNT
LIKE
POPTARTS
I MEAN C'MON WHAT's WRONG WIT U? lol, just kidding. This still continues to be an entertaining and funny story. This is better than half of the published comedy books i've read!

Not a thing I would change! It's got clever lines and all from the point of view of Frey.

Loving the nickname Galli-Frey too, by the way <3

Hey! IamTruant here as requested!
Lets get down to business (or complementing)

Characters
Even though this chapter is based on Frey, it brings out the personalities of others. First off, you get to see what a little devil Juno is (I mean, getting Reginald to her dirty work! Maybe I should get a monkey to torment my sister...) Anyway, I can really see more and more of the relationship between Juno & Frey. They love each other in a sibling way, but you really brought out: he lives with her twenty four hours, seven days a week for a whole year - being around someone that much can make you see their flaws. You really brought that out well. Also you really brought out Asteria's personality, she's eighteen, she likes to drink, she gets hormonal over the last bowl of frosted flakes, that's a teenager summed up in one! (Well maybe not everyone, some peeps might not like frosted flakes). I loved it!

Dialogue
I like the way you get your characters to talk to one another. Its so typically teenager-ish. I can really relate to it! I absolutely love the way you make characters interact, (especially over frosted flakes). It funny! Again people would like to read this because of your wittiness!
Well done!

Hi there! Noelle here back for more

I'm glad you decided to stick to one character's POV per chapter now. It's a lot more organized and easier to read.

I really couldn't find anything wrong with this chapter. There are no spelling or grammar errors I caught so good job with that. This chapter flows really well. There aren't any places that feel awkward or forced.

Eating is a dangerous business when you have three female siblings (or any siblings, really).