Ben
I’m a little confused. Did Juno... visit me? Juno... I remember. Thought I heard her voice. And some... someone else’s, too. But I don’t...
That’s my new brain function, everyone. Frustrating, right? Imagine reading a whole chapter like that. That’s my life now, according to the doctors. Don’t they know I can hear them?
“Judy’s pregnant, did you hear?” one high-pitched nurse whispers.
“I’ll bet it was that new doctor in radiology,” a male voice says back aloud, probably giving the nurse a look for whispering around a coma patient.
Technically, I’m not in a coma. Technically, I’m just under a lot of pain medication. And a good thing too; I don’t remember much about the accident, but I do remember the pain and I’d rather stay under.
My parents come to visit and that’s probably the worst part of all. My dad just cries by my bedside and my mom strokes my hair.
“First Richard,” she whispers to my dad, as if I can’t hear. “Now Benny.”
“Richard wasn’t in a car accident,” Dad sniffles, “not like this.”
“He might as well have been,” she replies.
“We can’t change his actions, honey,” he says, this time from the other side. Probably rubbing her shoulder the way he does.
“We could’ve stayed with him,” she says, still whispering. “We didn’t have to disown him like we did.”
“After committing three felonies,” Dad says, no longer crying, “and raping that little girl, he was no longer my son, and you know it.”
“Maybe he wasn’t your son, but he’ll always be mine,” Mom snaps, losing the whisper; that’s the end of the conversation. For the first time, I try to open my eyes, and it works! I can see everything! Mom looks up and gasps.
“Oh, Benny,” she sobs, kissing my face. I can’t feel a thing. I try to speak, but my mind hits a wall. All I hear are some grunts and for the first time, I realize the extent of my injuries.
How can I tell Juno how I feel if I can’t speak and she can’t see me? A fear way worse than anything I’ve felt before grips my chest, constricting my already shallow breath. Mom and Dad keep fussing over me but keeping my eyelids up is almost as hard as speaking.
I drift out of consciousness with the thought of Juno’s face floating in my mind’s eye. Then, I’m dragged under the weight of the medication.
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139,367 Literary Works • 672,541 Reviews
Oh. My. God. What? Ben's older brother raped Juno?!
Major plot twist right there.
You'll truly have your readers hooked by that point ^.^
I can't believe it was Ben's brother that raped Juno. I wonder why he hasn't pieced it together yet? For me, the relation seems obvious. I wonder what Ben is going to think and feel when he realizes the truth, and what he is going to tell Juno. It's going to be even more complications in their relationship. Is it bad of me to say I can't wait to find out what happens next?
There are only a few things I have to comment on here.
The first being the first paragraph, although many people have already addressed that. It did seem a little bit out of place, but I can tell you why. It's because immediately afterwards the whole voice changes and suddenly Ben is having coherent thoughts, and it almost seems like he can make himself go from scatter brained to immediately focused in a moment. Maybe take some more time with this and say that he needed to collect his thoughts and really focus to string them together and force them to make sense. And how it all just gave him a headache and sometimes it was easier to just let his mind wander. Or something like that.
Secondly, although I know you wanted to reveal the little bit of information about Richard and what he did to Juno, personally I think you could juice it a bit more. That conversation the parents have seemed so short and to the point. And even though they were mourning Ben, it's not like they've lost him or anything similar happened to Richard. Maybe have the mother say, we almost lost him, like we lost our Richard or something, so the two seem to relate more.
At first I heard of Richard and I was like, who's he? But gradually it made sense. Just draw out the conversation a bit more, make us get small hints of information and then hit us with that Oh! moment
I am going to take a peak at some other novels I am following, but I will be back for the new chapter soon! Keep up the awesome writing ^.^
Deanie x
Hi there!
I'm all caught up! Yay! ^_^ (so I say as I realize you posted another chapter while I'm reviewing this one)
Hm...I'm not sure about the first two paragraphs. I mean, they're good paragraphs and there isn't anything really wrong with them. My only concern is that the first paragraph is happening in Ben's mind and the second paragraph is more of a narrative. Get what I'm saying? It's a bit strange reading it. Reading this from the perspective that Ben is writing everything running through his mind at the time, it's a bit strange to read. Maybe there could be a way that you can distinguish between the two? I know you say in the beginning of the second paragraph that the first paragraph was part of his thoughts, but I feel like there could be more to distinguish between the two. I don't know. Am I just rambling on? Probably. Hopefully I got my point across.
Oh no he didn't.
Again, this chapter really took a toll on me emotionally. You really get into Ben's head and explain to us all his thoughts and feelings. Now, I find it a bit interesting that Ben remembers Juno and how he felt about her and how she felt about him. The doctor mentioned in the previous chapter that Ben was having cognitive and communication problems. Then Frey says how Ben won't be able to remember who Juno is. All that mixed together made me think that Ben wouldn't be able to remember Juno, that their whole relationship, even as friends, was ruined. Yet here he is, thinking of Juno and what had gone on. I like this. I don't think I'd be able to deal if he forgot about Juno all together. But on the other hand, I find it a little too good to be true that he remembers everything. Just felt like pointing that out.
Besides those two thing I mentioned, I think this chapter is perfect. It's always a change of pace when something terrible like this happens. And you dealt with it brilliantly. Tragedies such as this are always hard to write because you're so attached to the characters and you don't want to see anything happen to them. And you've shared that love with us, making it hard for us to make it through chapters like this. I'm impressed with how you're able to pull at our emotions like that.
I'm excited to see where this story goes from here! Like I've mentioned before, this story is coming together well. I'm hoping to see more of the same as I read on
Now I'm going to go to the next chapter and be all caught up :3
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey! IamTraunt here to review!
Nitpicking Time!
Like Aurora, I think that quite a few of these ellipsis' are unnecessary. I can see the point your trying to out across, but in the previous chapter you told us the extent of the damage. Maybe if you read this aloud, maybe then you could see which ones to take out. But its your choice!
This should be 'a man's voice.
A little redundancy, my dear friend. I would advice you to change the second 'technically'.
This sentence is a little choppy, I would suggest splitting up, like this:
Character Time!
So, this is the first introduction to Ben's Mom and Dad. Even in such a short passage I can see what type of people they are. Like most mom's, Ben's is very forgiving and you can see she cherished their other son, Richard, even though he had committed numerous felonies and even raped Juno Oh. My. Word. Royal! ROYAL! Massive, MASSIVE surprise. (Anyway... I'll talk about that later...)
Also, we get to learn quite a bit about the Dad. This really reflects of everyday life. As many of us know, mom's are the soft ones, who you can (most of the time) get away with murder. But the dad's, the ones who discipline us, are forgiving of course, but not that forgiving. And obviously as a dad they have the responsibility of putting you (their children) in place and they make them (manly) who they are. That is a weight responsibility to up hold. Ben's dad probably feels as if its his fault.
Aw
Story Time!
Okay, this is an incredibly moving chapter. You can tell that you have put a lot of thought and feeling into this. The way you talk about Ben's surroundings is actually what I would think to be true - about the doctors talking about what condition he is in and he hears all of that. It makes sense. If you look back to your first chapter, you can see how much you have improved! I can't believe how far you've come. I will be sad when this story comes to a conclusion. I think this chapter is really believable and so emotive.
I can't wait for more!
Keep it up!
Yay yay yayyy! I got rid of a bunch of ellipses (you're right, they are distracting) and I fixed the choppy sentence and the "man-voice," thing. But I want to keep "technically," because I like repeating!
I'm so glad you've followed me this far into the story. I can't thank you enough for all your hard work and love <3 see you real soon!
Hee hee hee ~ I love repeating myself too. I was the only one that really nitpicked wasn't I? XD I'm sure Writer will though.
How can I not follow? This is epic! I loved it <3
See you soon!
Oh. My. God! Ben's brother raped Juno? This changes everything, what if Ben works it out? How is he supposed to tell her that (or keep it from her, but I think he'll tell her)? I'm so dizzy from all these plot twists.
Honestly, where do you pull all this stuff from, this is incredible. This chapter is so short, but it is the one that's going to have major implications later on.
One thing, I'm guessing that because Ben is trying to talk he's improving a bit. If he is, then that's at least one positive sign. Obviously he still has a long recovery ahead of him.
Tag me for the next part!!
PS. I spotted the title change.
Thank you thank you thank you!
Thank you so much for all your reviews and your dedication and your love <3 see you soon!
Yes, Ben's brother raped Juno.
It may change some things, but I don't think it changes as much as you think
I don't know whether he'll tell Juno, but he hasn't yet, so... hm.
I pull all this stuff from sitting in my room, bored, thinking really hard for a really long time.
Yes, Ben's brain function is improving but his speech will take a long time to figure out. Oops, that might be a spoiler. Oh, well
I'm so glad you like it so far
Okay. I'll be waiting to see what happens.
you jerk. you just made me feel worse. BENS BROTHER WAS THE ONE THAT RAPED JUNO? LARJEAKLFSDKLMFAWKLMRFASLMFLKMEL~AHJRSMCKLEHTADMLCMWEKLJTRAKLSDFKMEAKLJMSKDFNMEKJAKL~SDFMLK%WEJHAKSLDFNM<KLWEANSLKFMELIAJSKLMFWEKLNASKLMFKLEHNAKLSMDF<
I AM NOW OFFICIALLY CRYING= THANKS A LOT. you cruel author... how could you t.t I will now go to bed, so I hope you're satisfied with what you've done. You better make Ben and Juno be together and happy, or i will find you and i will smack you with a sausage.
hehehehehehehehhe
Sorry for those last few crazy reviews... I went off the rocker there... But you're still an evil author.
I'm crying right now. Thanks a lot, Grace.
Oh no dear! Are you really? Don't cry! <3
Hello! Ulala here for a quick review.
In the opening paragraph, you use ellipses pretty liberally.
<quote> I’m a little... confused. Did Juno... visit... me? Juno... blind, pretty, smart, funny... love... I remember. Thought I heard... her voice. And some... someone else’s, too... But I don’t... I can’t... ugh, I’m done. </quote>
I would refrain from as many ellipses as you have. It's distracting. Misuse of this punctuation also causes the writing to seem immature. Sorry to say, but it does.
Your writing was short and sweet. It was concise and to the point. There wasn't much style and there wasn't much description. I like that, but don't get carried away. If you are to properly write, you must be able to have a reader open your story at any point and understand what's going on. I understood most of it, but it would have been nice to have a little more description.
I'd suggest reading the rest of the novel before commenting on this, because fewer descriptions are part of the story (and part of my writing style, as well). I'm sorry you didn't quite get it, but maybe now you'll read the rest of the book!
Hello, love! Aurora here with a quick review for you! I haven't read the previous chapters, so excuse me if I completely mess up and tell you to do something you already did.
First things first; this chapter could be a LOT longer. From what I can see, the word count must be around four hundred, and that's being generous.
To fix this, instead of ending at a cliff hanger, you could always keep writing. Also, you can describe the room when Benny wakes up, because, as far as I know, the reader has no idea how the room looks.
“After committing three felonies,” Dad says, no longer crying, “and raping that little girl, he was no longer my son, and you know it.”
Are you giving the reader this information as new information at this point in the story? If you are, and you'd been hinting toward it in previous chapters, well, this is a bit late. Unless this is a major plot changer, new information and exposition should be offered near the beginning of the story. NOTE: I did not say chapter one. Just at the beginning of the story.
“Judy’s pregnant, did you hear?” one high-pitched nurse whispers.
How does Benny know she's a nurse? Female doctors exist, you know.
This was an entertaining read, luv.
Keep persisting.
Aurora
I fixed those ellipses
Thanks for the review!