Things Fall Apart Chapter Two: Go-Time

Hi RH!

Another brief but very funny, enjoyable chapter! I can see that humour is the main theme in this story and that's hugely refreshing, especially since you're so good at it!

A few observations:

Breaking the fourth wall: You the author address me the reader which was a bit unusual, but I think that made it refreshing. It did make me think of "my" context in the story though. Am I inside the world with them, or are the characters peeping into my world to address me?

No action: I like that you have announced at the beginning that there is no action because it's different, and we get to watch the characters create their own shenanigans because they are bored, which was hugely entertaining.

However, I am worried about this format continuing for much longer, because I feel that so far, the story "engine" is missing - the compelling thing driving the story forward. Without it, your work may read like a joke book, with unrelated, non-progressive events which are hilarious, BUT don't grab me by the throat and demand I turn the page to see what happens next. I know you are intentionally writing against form, but sometimes there is a reason why those "rules" work to make a story stimulating. I like that you are exploring it, and am still excited to read on, but be careful, because Shyamalan also broke convention in a brilliant way, but couldn't create anything after Sixth Sense that could compare.

Title confusion: I can see that the first chapter, Better Things, is clearly a prequel of this chapter Things Fall Apart. But at first glance I was confused about whether they were one and the same story. Do you have a reason for this? I can't pinpoint one because both chapter titles are vague and bear no obvious link to the plot so far. If you were to publish it, what title would you choose of the two?

Things Fall Apart makes me think of the book by the same name, by author Chinua Achebe, and the tone of that book was a lot more serious and depressing than yours. Consider that your work may at first glance be associated with that book, and may mislead your target readers on what it's about. I would choose a title that highlights your strongest theme, which is humour as far as I can tell. Here are example book titles (which I've made up on the spot), and what they communicate to me at first glance:

The Noble's Daughter - A period romance, cheesy sounding, I'd pass it over because it's not my thing.

Blood and Mirrors - A thriller or horror, may pick it up if I was in the mood.

The Mysteries of Miriandith - The made up name in the title screams epic Tolkienian fantasy to me, and I'd give it look since I like fantasy.

Fin Hexian and the Vial of Dispair - This screams Young Adult action packed fantasy with a strong active protagonist. Since it's my favourite sub genre, and the book is practically sold to me the instant I pick it up.

Billy Boot's Purple Mannequin - Humorous story I would guess, and suspect it to be a children's book, but if by looking at it I could see that it was marketed to adults (thickness, cover art etc), I would definitely consider reading it for a laugh. The first punchline is the title, confusing, ridiculous and intriguing, and I'd want to know who Billy Boot is, why the colour of his mannequin is so important, why he owns one, etc. All this is just from the title.

I can go on for awhile lol, but my point is, let your title communicate exactly what it is you're offering. If I wasn't referred to your work, I might have passed it over as a depressing tragic piece (admittedly coloured by my experience with a book that had an identical title), and I would have completely missed the humour aspect.

A Nit to pick: Just a sentence which I think could use a comma. You decide:

So, summertime is my time.

""Thanks, Asteria," I say, feeling my face grin."
*I would reword "feeling my face grin". That just kind of sounds weird.

"because for years, he was"
*because, for years, he was (add in that comma)

I couldn't find very many mistakes at all. You are really good at writing and I will be sure to keep going! Good job!

lol

That's the first thing I have to say. Your writing style is amusing and fun, and I find it very likable. I love how you're seperating their personalities the way you are, and showing how each one is completely different. The only thing that I have a slight problem with is how short each entry is. It would be a little nicer if the entries were slightly longer, but I suppose this could be a style of writing. Either way, this is awesome!!

Hey there! Lefty here to review!

I liked this chapter a lot because it showed a lot about their sibling relationships. I feel like I know Juno better now, and I like her. It makes me happy that she doesn't let her blindness keep her from having fun. She plays pranks and knows she can get away with it, because she's blind. It's entertaining to read.

One thing I did want to mention, which is actually something I forgot to mention in my review for the first chapter was about their ages. Since they're triplets, they would all be the same age. In the first chapter, Frey says Asteria is eighteen, then in her narration she says she's seventeen. If they're all eighteen, they would be out of high school unless they were born later in the year or held back.

Just something I thought I'd point out. Good chapter! I'll be sure to read the third one tomorrow.

-Lefty

Deanie at your service again, your royal highness *bows*

I have to say, I loved it. I love the idea of all these siblings pranking each other with mayonnaise and toothpaste but knowing each other well enough so that they could squeeze their ways out of them. But my question is, does every person in that house get their own toothpaste? I mean, here we all share one, because well, sharing toothpaste is very different from sharing brushes Maybe you should mention something like they were all very choosy and had their own flavours they liked which is why they all needed their own toothpaste tube to themselves...

Also, because Asteria mentions that Frey has a back up (and rightly handing her her own) don't you think that Juno will then think that maybe Frey has an actual back up as well and go looking for this too? It would make a lot of sense, and it would mean that one person would actually be pranked. (And maybe Juno even wants revenge on Asteria too, for trying to get back at her!)

I like the sound of Emma. Her name is kind of reminding me of Ella Fitzgerald and I can't help but wonder if that is where you got the name inspiration from? Anyways, my feedback for this is sort of the same as in the previous review. Don't tell me about her as a character until I meet her! Only then do I want to hear things about her, and don't tell us she is her best friend who helps out with everything, but let us see it in the way they talk to each other and in the way that Emma takes her arm and guides her everywhere, opening her locker and filling her bag, etc. It would be nice to see! I don't mind you telling us about Meltdown Academy (lol, I love that nicknaming) beforehand, but I hope we still get a nice description of it when we do see it! I wonder, is it a trashy school, a posh one or something else? I guess I'll have to wait and see!

let's go to the action....of which there is none.

Asteria is the type who would tape a whoopie cushion to the end of my cane. Frey is the one who took it off.

Hey! IamTruant as requested!
I reviewed Chapter One for you, so I am following your story with every chapter!

Characters:
I love Juno. She is incredible smart and she puts that to good use by pranking her siblings. I love that. Its a classical (and healthy) family relationship! I love how you made Frey aware of "the mayonnaise prank" - that just cracked me up! And then when Asteria gave Juno her own toothpaste & Juno was thinking: "I'm not stupid. I'm blind. But not stupid." I loved it! It was extremely witty and it made me want to read on.

Dialogue
I can't really say much about dialogue because the chapter is short and detailed is needed, I mean, since when is a book all about dialogue? And even though your chapter is short I like how you put the dialogue where you needed to. You sandwiched it in with the detail. Good work!

Overall:
I love your story. It is great, it is well planned out, you can tell you've thought about your characters and how they are, how they react and what they say. A character needs life, like its a real person, so readers can relate to them. And that's what you did! You made it realistic and fun!

Can't wait to read more!

Hi there! Here I am back for more!

Ah, a crazy circle of pranks. I found it very amusing to follow this prank as it got more and more elaborate. It's like each sibling getting pranked was one step ahead of the other. You must be a master prankster to come up with this prank yourself

This chapter seems a little choppy to me. I think it's because of the constant changes in POV. Like I said in my review of Chapter 1, I'd like to see you have each chapter be a different person's POV. The flow of the story would be a lot better if you do it that way. But then again, it's your novel at the end of the day. And if you think it works best with three POVs in each chapter write it that way.

You've kept up with developing your characters. Awesome! I especially liked learning more about Juno's life. I mean, come on, she's blind. Who wouldn't want to know everything about the day in the life of a blind person? I think it's really sweet how she has a best friend at school that does everything for her. I do find it a little weird though that she doesn't bring Reginald with her. Sure he might be a distraction in class and everything, but won't she still need him to get to school? Like getting on the bus and stuff? Or maybe her cane is all she really needs.

The one thing I'd like to see in later chapters is some descriptions. There is good description here with the toothpaste prank. I liked that. But I still don't know what each of the characters look like. I want to know what color their hair is, what color their eyes are, what kind of clothing they like to wear; things like that.

Overall, this is another good chapter. Please let me know when the next chapter is posted!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**