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139,498 Literary Works • 672,588 Reviews
Rainn! I really love this! And I am here to review it for you!
I am going to do this in parts. Lets start out with the first four stanzas.
These:
I love these. You really expressed these feelings smoothly. It reminded me of war;what everyone's going through in Viatnam in and stuff like that. ( I probrably spelled that wrong...) But it was a very good message and I think this poem would send a GREAT message to people across nations, if you know what I mean.
Another thing I loved about this wondeful poem was the way you worded it. You really thought about it, didn't you? I really, truly, hope this isn't happen to you. All teh destruction you've added in this peice was very fearful. I just couldn't believe how well you seem like you've experienced this.
The flow, and the rhyme, just like what Audy said below, was pretty good. It was different in a way, one way that I somehow can't describe, but it was good, to be honest. Most poems are rhyming, though I didn't see that in yours. I know lots of them don't rhyme either. Just wanted to put that out there.
Four more stanzas:
The way you had added the question at the end. Depressing. I liked it though. The way you've kept the same emotion and didn't include the numerous mood swings, was pretty good though. Kept me wondering what the poem was meant for and all the ways it was about fighting;war and all that.
You ended each stanza with a period. I liked that. Other poems don't use that, but I think - me, personally - is the correct grammical way to put it.
Overall, this poem was very good and I can't wait to read more of you're work! Keep writing!
-Pixie
Thank you for this wonderful review
Rainn,
Overall, I personally think it's an interesting poem in the sense that the tension builds itself, so the form fits the content, I suppose xD I definitely get the sense of this oncoming, looming battle in the distance. The rhyme and the repetition actually helps accomplish this. Like a galloping horse, y'know? The sounds hit like clip-clop-clip-clop.
Thanks for your thoughtful review, here to return the favor
You want to be careful with form though. You set up the poem as a series of couplets and tend to deviate at points - stanza 3 begins an ABAB pattern that you never revisit again. And after that, it's like you abandon rhyme completely (with the exception of stanza five which is like a 3-line couplet [a triplet? 8D]) Deviating from the meter is not altogether a bad thing, but when you're inconsistent then it seems like it's randomly thrown together.
Also, you want to watch out for things like this:
When you have a short piece like poetry - you want to make every word count. Word repetition can be used to create an interesting rhythm, kind of like a chorus in a song, it adds emphasis. But sometimes the same sound over and over can be grating to the ears, like if you were to hear the same note over and over and over, you want to be sparring with words.
Overall, your flow and rhyme use was pretty decent. I found it flowed well and your rhyme didn't seem forced at all -- except for maybe referees ^^ other than that, you worked it smoothly!
Now, I mentioned the title of this stuck out to me. I think it's an interesting title because it pulls a lot of references in my mind -- but at the same time, I don't think the title fits with your ending. If this war is at a distance, why would anyone feel anxiety over it? Hmmm. Something to explore?
Good piece. Let me know if you ever decide to write a free verse. Hope this helps!
~ as always, Audy
Thanks, Audy! To be truthful, I haven't ever studied poetry before. Usually I just "go with the flow". I put down on paper what artistic inspiration I have in my head... Thank you for you tips though. I have been meaning to change the second 'distant' in the first stanza, but have never quite got around to it.
I had thought about the title being something different, but I guess my brain took a vacation...I just couldn't think. Once again, I thank you for this wonderful review.
~Rainn
In the distance I can hear,
Screams of long and distant fears.(good)
In the distance I can see,
Shots of guns, no referees.(referees???)
I can feel the coming war.
I can hear it's sound.
I know all about it now,
I can feels it's pound.(I like how this stanza flows.)
It rings inside my soul,
It pulses with my heart.(good)
The cannon's fire,
And will'(I dont think ther should be a ' thingy)s desire,
All sing with roa(r)ring streng(t)h like fire.
No place is safe,
Except deep underground.(I don't know if its just me, but this doesn't seam to rhyme)
I never seem to sleep,
I always stake awake.(nothing to say here)
For My mind is buisy(there is no i in busy) wondering,
Will I live another day?
PS, I love spell check
HaHa, thanks Wolf :3
I'll fix those when I get a chance.