Random Poem #1

I like it. I think it has great emotion in it and that's key to great poetry. Or at lest that's what i think. You got tremendous skills in writing. Your poem is great , my favorte part was



"Hiding in the shadows near,
Hiding in the earthen here,
Hiding with the breath we take,
Hiding in the souls we break.

Hearts of longing,
Hearts forgot,
Hearts are broken,
And still lost.

All we find and all we see,
All of the great memories,
All lost in the darkness moon,
Shrinking down like little 'shrooms"


I like this part because it just brings it all together, it makes it sound truly complete.

Great job,,


-T

I don't really have much to say, but here goes...


To be a part of what has become,
To be a single leaf.
To have a life of endless love,
To be a tiny tree.(I like this stanza)

If you will seek the meek and quiet,
If you will find the truth,
If you do want to be a freak,
Join me and my troop.(troop fits good, but I dunno, it just doesn't seem right to me, but thats probably just me.)

Do you really want to be alone?
Do you really care?
Do you have the gut it takes,
To be the different heir?(didn't see anything here)

So many of us say "Yay!"(to me it sounds like it should be "Yes!" not "Yay!")
So many of us do,
So many of us turn away,
When we find the truth.

Hiding in the shadows near,
Hiding in the earthen here,
Hiding with the breath we take,
Hiding in the souls we break.(nothing to say here)

Hearts of longing,
Hearts forgot,
Hearts are broken,
And still lost.("And still lost" didn't rhyme right in my head, but again it's probably just me.)

All we find and all we see,
All of(I don't think the "of" should be there) the great memories,
All lost in the darkness moon,
Shrinking down like little 'shrooms.

Wet like dry,
Wet like "Why?"
Wet like no one's passerby.(I don't understand this stanza)

Summer's dream,
Winter's spring,
Thoughts of heart and deep pressing.
All things quiet,
All things still.
Nothing moving,
All things nil of summer chill. (good.)


good work!

Very good.

Hello Rainn!

This poem was very enjoyable and thought provoking, in my opinion. I personally enjoyed the structure of the poem and how the repeating structure of many of the stanzas. The subject matter itself was very well thought out and it seems that you've been thinking of yourself and your "troop" for some time. There was a friendly yet rebellious aspect to the poem, something which I enjoyed quite a bit.

My favorite stanza was this:

So many of us say "Yay!"
So many of us do,
So many of us turn away,
When we find the truth.

Not because it was better than any of the other ones per se, but simply because it rang true through my head and heart.

Generally speaking I don't think that poems (or songs, books and other works of art) should be changed that much, and if they are then the original piece should still be available somewhere. That said, if there was one line I would change it would be to switch the word gut in the line "Do you have the gut it takes" to the word guts. Not because the original word is a bad choice or anything but because it seems to me that the word guts has more familiarity to the average reader and the message of that line can be understood a tad bit better. Again, I don't enjoy changing works so take my advice for granted.

When all is said and done, this was a fabulous poem! Keep on writing!

Ben Dietz.