A Castaway to a broken land,
brought by a battle of shore and sand.
Please keep me in mind,
as I am lost in your depths.
O Sing, sweet Island,
of all the secrets kept from me,
so that I may survive
your toils sent by sea.
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,424 Reviews
Great job, love it! It's short and beautiful, and it doesn't make me sit around for hours deciphering the language. So it basically has everything I like in a poem, and nothing I dislike, which is a major plus.
I'm only a little sure about the background info. Maybe you could post a short description? Also, the last line is a little anti-climatic. Rather than get rid of it, maybe you could add a third stanza and just make it a bit longer?
But really, awesome job!
And I posted another chapter to my book, so if you want to take a look it's Ch. 4 in the my Turtle Creek folder.
Hey Rain!
Nice^^~ I really liked how you expressed everything in such a few words. Its pretty simple and very normal looking(if you just look at how everything was written). Yet, it has that depth in it which really makes it beautiful.
However, there are a few things that i would like to point out.
Firstly, the topic. What I am trying to tell is that this poem does not have any particular topic and it really makes it vague.
Secondly, in some places it gets really confusing. And in my case I am confused about who the narrator is...a out of control ship/boat or some shipwrecked person...
Thirdly, this poem would have been a great one had it been a wee bit longer...say you could have added another stanza or something.
Lastly, the poem only tells us the hopes and aspirations of the narrator like how he is wishing to find any secrets in that island and that he does not want to die and all that. also, you have added about how he came there in the first place... I was hoping that you can work on it and maybe add more descriptions so as to give us readers a clear picture of what you had in your mind when you were writing the poem so something like that.
Anyways, overall it was a pretty simple and nice poem which has much potential of becoming something very good and sophisticated(?). ^^ Well, that's all I guess. Hope I could be of some help. Keep writing!
~ERZA
Really liked that. Short but effective. "Brought by a battle of shore and sand" That is just great =D Just makes me think of the shore and the sand battling against each other XD
Great little poem, well done
This is a wonderful poem! It really made me picture the scene and get the mood. My one recommendation is to get rid of the "oh" in the middle. It's a bit awkward when spoken aloud and it's not necessary so I would advise to just take it out. Otherwise I really liked. You're a very good writer!