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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
The rhyming of this poem, is good and I generally like it.
However, I don't understand how the "snow" turns to fire? Or was it simply just the soot falling down from the flames?
It also bothers me that the rhyme scheme stops in the second-to-last stanza, and then picks up again in the last one.
Ok...Also, you must understand that I never said 'fire'.
Thanks for your review.
Hi there, Rainn.
I am GeeLyria and I'm going to review for you today.
First, I want to let you know that the rhythm of the poem is fantastic; in my opinion, it flows beautifully. The punctuation seems alright, it is decently organized, and the descriptions are neat. These are things that I, as a reader, truly appreciate. However, I detect your potential as a writer, and this is why I'm going to be a little harsh with you.
The beginning is weak.
The phrase "Once upon a time" is so worn out that it doesn't give the right impression. My very first thought when I finished reading that first line was: "Another poem...", and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who felt like that. Although, that's not fair. We don't want your readers to think that way, because you're not just Another writer. You have the potential to stand out!
However, I understand if you don't want to change it. But I really want to encourage you to take the simple and make it art.
In this line you are telling us a simple fact; simple enough for me to get distracted and stop reading. And I wonder: Can you take those simple facts and transform them into something that is thought provocative and entertaining? Sounds hard, eh? ;]
To do this, you have to be silly! Yup. Silly enough to ask yourself silly questions. What is dancing? What if the word "danced" didn't exist, how would I describe that action? Can I create another way to say "sang"? What do I associate with "sang"? (melody, notes, voice) Is there a better adjective than "good" to describe those moments my characters were having?
You will find out it's fun! It would be lovely if you could show us how you see the world. :]
There's my grain of sand. Hopefully, I expressed myself correctly, but feel free to PM me if you have any questions. I expect to see more from you soon! Seriously. So keep writing and keep posting.
~GeeLyria
Why thank you for this wonderful review! I will take a look at the things you mentioned and probably will use them