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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

You Broke the Golden Chalice

by Radrook


Poem now displayed as recommended by: ellasnotebook

-------------------------------------

You broke the golden chalice that I offered

as if it had been proffered from the dregs

of putrefying waste.

Disregarded and discarded, I watched it

shatter against your impenetrable scorn.

Felt myself embodied in its demise

as you gloated with sadistic eyes.

Hatred took form.

Now in this dismal future

when your beauty has to be sutured

and death grins at your sins,

you offer me your silver chalice

and without malice, revenge begins.

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841 Reviews

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Fri Dec 08, 2017 2:26 pm
Radrook says...



Radrook says...


Please notice that I didn't abandon rhyme completely:

offered--proffered

disregarded--discarded

future--sutured

eyes--demise

scorn--form

grins---sins

chalice--malice
-------------------------

Poem in prose style:

You broke the golden chalice that I offered as if it had been proffered from the dregs of putrefying waste. Disregarded and discarded, I watched it shatter against your impenetrable scorn, felt myself embodied in its demise as you gloated with sadistic eyes. Hatred took form and now, now in this dismal future, when your beauty has to be sutured and death grins at your sins, you offer me your silver chalice and without malice, revenge begins.




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Fri Dec 08, 2017 1:52 pm
ellasnotebook wrote a review...



Hello! I really liked this poem! I liked the chalice parts, I think it's an interesting way to describe what this poem talks about.

My interpretation:
This is about someone(Person A) who offered their friendship or love (the golden chalice) to someone(Person B). The intended recipient(B) did not accept it, and instead broke the relationship because they felt they didn't need it/were more superior. The person who offered the friendship(A) begins to hate the other person. In the later future, the intended recipient(B) has lost their beauty, or charm, and runs back to the other person(A) and offers their friendship as a last ditch resort (the silver chalice). (Person A) begins to plot revenge.
(I'm sorry this is so convoluted, it's early in the morning and I don't have the heart to start over.)

One thing I noticed was that this poem didn't have any tangible rhyme scheme. Maybe you didn't intend to have one, maybe I just haven't noticed because I just woke up and the coffee hasn't kicked in yet.

Another thing I noticed is in the very last line, "and without malice, revenge begins." you said revenge was taking place "without malice". This seems impossible to me, but I can kind of see what you mean. Maybe think of a different word? This is just a suggestion of course, it really doesn't matter that much.

Overall, I really enjoyed this poem. It captured the growth of revenge throughout the poem, and I could clearly feel the emotions. This is a very good poem. Keep writing!

ella




Radrook says...


Thanks you for the review. Much appreciated.

The golden chalice was my love I offered a woman and which she encouraged via flirting and then rejected in a very nasty cruel manner.
The revenge without malice was simply my refusal to speak with her once she had aged and become ill and indirectly requested it. In short, I didn't actively go out of my way to obtain revenge for her unnecessary cruelties via playing around with my emotions as if I had been a toy.
I simply didn't want to associate. True, the expression seems self contradictory. Thanks for pointing that out.



Radrook says...


Please notice that I didn't abandon rhyme completely:

offered--proffered

future--sutured

eyes--demise

scorn--form

grins---sins

chalice--malice





Thanks for pointing that out! I did notice that you rhymed, I just couldn't find a consistent pattern between your stanzas, that's all. Maybe this is proof I do need more sleep, ha!



Radrook says...


That is a very good point. Since this is prose poetry, maybe it should have been written without stanza breaks.

You broke the golden chalice that I offered as if it had been proffered from the dregs of putrefying waste. Disregarded and discarded, I watched it shatter against your impenetrable scorn, felt myself embodied in its demise as you gloated with sadistic eyes. Hatred took form and now, now in this dismal future, when your beauty has to be sutured
and death grins at your sins, you offer me your silver chalice
and without malice, revenge begins.





Maybe, but I kind of like how it looks now. Maybe you should try this:

You broke the golden chalice that I offered

as if it had been proffered from the dregs

of putrefying waste.

Disregarded and discarded, I watched it

shatter against your impenetrable scorn.

Felt myself embodied in its demise

as you gloated with sadistic eyes.

Hatred took form.

Now in this dismal future

when your beauty has to be sutured

and death grins at your sins,

you offer me your silver chalice

and without malice, revenge begins.


Just without the breaks for the stanza?



Radrook says...


I agree. it looks and reads much better that way. Thanks. Will edit and display it that way.



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Thu Dec 07, 2017 10:31 pm
shusher says...



Please send me a message to remind me to review this. I've only 30 minutes till work. I just first wanted to find a work of literature that I liked (so there's at least that), so I could review it when I got home.




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Thu Dec 07, 2017 9:44 pm
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zaminami wrote a review...



Hello Radrook! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
You broke the golden chalice that I offered{,}

as if it had been proffered from the dregs

of putrifying waste.

-

Disregarded and discarded, I watched it

shatter against your impenetrable scorn.

{I f}elt myself embodied in its demise{,}

as you gloated with sadistic eyes.

Hatred took form. [I]{I would strikethrough this line to show that

-

Now in this dismal future{,}

when your beauty has to be sutured

and death grins at your sins,

you offer me your silver chalice{,}

and{ - }without malice{ - }revenge begins.


My interpretation:



This is about someone close to you that had rejected either an idea or you from their life and you aren't happy with it. The metaphor of the "golden" and "silver chalice" shows this.

Overall:



This is very similar to the poetry I write -- depressing, bitter, angry. That's not necessary a bad thing, however. I have found that poetry like that brings out the emotion into people. So I applaud you for writing this :D

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

Image




Radrook says...


Thanks for the feedback. Much appreciate it.




"Do not try to be pretty. You weren't meant to be pretty; you were meant to burn down the earth and graffiti the sky. Don't let anyone ever simplify you to just 'pretty'"
— Suzanne Rivard