I never gave you my mind, my heart, my soul,
Who said my thoughts were yours to control?
Whoever said you could have my heart to break?
What made you think that my soul was free to take?
You walked by my side then you tore my life to pieces,
You lifted my hopes so high, I could hardly believe this.
When we were flying in the sky, you dropped me and our life.
As I was falling through the night, nobody heard my cries!
All forlorn and alone, I hit rock bottom,
I was bruised with broken bones, ‘cause no one had caught me.
I surrounded myself with these broken shadows,
I nurtured my soul with thoughts that nobody knows.
Alone and broken, I trained my soul to cope,
With a life forever lonesome, I taught myself not to hope.
I got myself not to care, I was done with my compassion!
I brought myself not to love, I treated these as a distraction.
So now look at my life as you’ve made it, see this monster you’ve created.
I couldn’t see where I was headed, now I’m far worse than the one I hated.
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139,477 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
I love this. It walks the reader through the pain the narrator experienced in a very rhythmic fashion and it slowly brings you to hate the inflictor of the pain. The last two lines were what really made me love it.
A few things, though. Some of the rhymes were a stretch, like you needed a different word or a couple more words to make it flow more smoothly. That, in my opinion, is the hardest thing about rhyming poetry. But keep it up!
Thanks for the review! I appreciate the encouragement and suggestions. =D
Hey, I'm here for a review.
Wow, this is a great poem. I really love the meaning behind it!
Now for the review (and I will admit I am a bit rusty with these right now),
First thing that I noticed is that some lines were a stretch to rhyme.
Here it doesn't seem to rhyme at all. Rhyme poems can be hard and sometimes they will restrict your vocabulary. Just like the review before this one, the "you dropped me and our life" part is kind of confusing especially when you want to rhyme it too. Maybe some clarification will help in these lines.
When you asked the questions in this poem, I felt as if they were kind of repetitive. You could try making them into statements and having them defined as stone.
I have also noticed that you here have used a lot of commas. With some of the commas used, they easily could have become sentences alone.
Here, this easily could have been changed to,
Overall, this poem and it's meaning was resoundingly deep and I absolutely loved it. I hope to see more of your work. Best of luck!
Hey Hey!
How you doing? Ready for a review?
First thought: OH LA LA!!! That last verse was such a good ending!!
hold on I have to read it again if i'M ACTUALLY GOING TO REVIEW.
*Reads again*
Okay, one thing I notice is this verse "you dropped me and our life." it's not smooth. It's not an easy thing to read immediately. Maybe it's me? But try shouting this really fast and see if you can easily say it? If yes, then I won't say anything.
The beginning and end are strong and smooth verses, the middle needs some touch ups. Not a lot, because this is incredible, but one or two.
"As I was falling through the night, nobody heard my cries!
All forlorn and alone, I hit rock bottom,
I was bruised with broken bones, ‘cause no one had caught me."
Maybe because"I hit rock bottom" and "caught me" those verbs aren't the same pretense? I could be wrong. (My first language isn't English).
The rest is truly amazing! I also loved the "Not a beast or a dragon" part? Made me click! So well done!
*Reads one more time before leaving*
Love,
Lau
This was such a helpful review! Thanks for the encouragement and suggestions, and about those parts you pointed out, I felt kinda iffy about them myself when I wrote the poem. I'll look into ways of improving it. Thanks again for reviewing! ~Jedi
No problem! Happy to read! Seriously, great poem! Thanks for replying.