Drowning
Chains of iron bind my feet,
Steel shackles hold me down.
I scream, a sound of agony,
But who would hear? No one’s around.
-----
I could fight with no hope or purpose,
But no result would show.
I could try to rise and resurface,
But I'll always be below.
-----
The worst torment I’ve yet known
Is seeing the bright blue skies,
Above this water where I moan,
Through my slowly fading eyes.
-----
To know it is right there,
Still well within my reach
If only these shackles would tear
And this water I could part and breach.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,079 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Heylo, CC here
This poem has to be one of my favorites I've read here yet. It all flows so naturally, and the rhyming is less forced--good job with the editing.
Some could ask for a clearer ending, wondering what happens in the end. But I believe that that's the wonder of the piece--the mystery makes it what it is. And I don't believe the character's drowning. I believe that it is a deeper meaning...I can't quite put what this poem means to me in words--it's just like a faint, obscure feeling. Extremely captivated.
This version definitely improved the poem. Great job!
thanks for your encouragement! and the end was meant to be left up to interpretation. And yes, it does have a deeper meaning, thought even I know not what it is... but it's there. And sometimes when I read it I catch glimpses of it and understand my own words more and more each time. thx for the review!
Any time!
Hey there! I noticed that this poem was very original and religious beginning. I didn't exactly like how the poem rhymed, but it is okay. I thought that the rhyme scheme did not fit, and sometimes broke off all together and stopped working. It is critical to fix this as a poet.
"The life I’ve left is not my own,
Any thoughts still alive I wouldn’t scope."
I did NOT like this line. I thought that it just broke the rhythm up to bad, and ruined this part of the poem for me. Overall, good work!
Thank you for your review! I do struggle with forced rhyming, so these reviews are very helpful to me. And I do admit, I had mixed feelings about those lines as well. Very helpful, thanks for reviewing! ~Jedi
Hi,
A nice poem. Lovely; sad: Two words that really describe this poem.
So, I was thinking of this piano piece when I was reading this poem. It was just, I don't know, it just came to me. Recently, when I was reading something, songs started to just appear in my mind, so never mind that.
Anyway, let's continue.
Introduction. (or First Impression.)
Every poem has a message, and I was sure that I got what this poem texted me. What was that, anyway? I was just trying to tell you that this poem was clear enough. There wasn't really much confusing or weird things in this. A clap for you. I could see you were struggling with YWS's poetry format, I wouldn't explain it here, so here's a help. Wait, I hadn't talked about first impression. I was touched for the person in the poem. He was drowning and yet, he believed that there was still hope. Another clap.
Meats.
Okay. I noticed this poem was rhyming... but a little bit forced. Forced rhyming was a mistake to do in writing poem for me. It would make your poem a little unpleasant to read and a little dishonest and sound silly. Here's a guide for that. It's difficult, but worth the while. So the thing I noticed forced were "feet&bittersweet" and "hope&scope". What could bittersweet mean there? I just felt it was weird.
I loved the way you used the words, "chains", "shackles". You wanted to show that the person was trapped somehow and was just locked in the water. Beforehand, I knew that you had some literacy devices there, but honestly, it didn't really bring a good image. It was an impossible condition. You know what, I did honestly imagined some cage in the water used when you wanted to see some sharks. Well, whatever, try to find a better diction or words.
Conclusion.
And yeah! If only this poem was longer, I would love seeing what would happen next. Is the person going to die? Or is the person managed to free him/herself. Well, I did love this length though. Thanks for the poem, it was quite a read.
Keep writing!
NicolMemo
Thanks for this review! Yes, I do tend to struggle with forced rhyming, and that tutorial was helpful! I am new to YWS so I was definitely not understanding the format codes... thanks for the link! And most of my works are unfinished, and I don't normally write narrative poetry. Anyway, this was very helpful review! Thanks! I know most people don't seem to reply to reviews but this was really helpful!
You are certainly wrong over there. Most people did reply reviews until, I don't know, I've been missing out for months. I'm just being active here. And yes, you are welcome. I'm glad my review helped you.
~memo
haha thx, well I've only been on here for a day, how would I know anyway? My assumption was hasty I suppose. Anyway, just wondering... is there a way to edit something I have already posted?
What kinds of post anyway? If the post was this little reply, then no. If it was your work (poem/story/etc), yes, you can. There is a little column starting from About the Author and you can find the correct button there. If the post was your status, you only got an hour to edit after the post was made. Hope this helped too.
~memo
Ok! Yeah, I wanted to edit this Poem. Thx!
Good luck, I would love seeing that.