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Breaking

by ElvenJedi


My heart isn't broken, though most would say it is.

I'm not one to exaggerate, but I think it may be sick.

If it was broken I'd be dead, from depression, grief, and self-hate.

So I'll only say it's breaking, in which process it deteriorates.

---

I'm just so afraid for how long it's been breaking,

A spider web of cracks and constant aching.

I fear I'll never be fully mended; too many cracks to be taped back together.

I know deep inside this can't be replaced, so I'll be stuck with this mess forever.

---

My heart isn't broken, it's just falling apart.

Piece by piece day by day, my slowly breaking heart.

Every day I feel it tiring, dying,

But one day it'll be over. I'll be done trying.

---

But only then will I call it broken.


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Fri Jul 21, 2017 10:41 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review! Haven't seen your poetry around for awhile, though I'm glad to see that you're back. Without further ado, let's jump right in.

My heart isn't broken, though most would say it is.

I'm not one to exaggerate, but I think it may be sick.

If it was broken I'd be dead, from depression, grief, and self-hate.

So I'll only say it's breaking, in which process it deteriorates.


I'm not a fan of the punctuation used in this first stanza. There's no variety since the punctuation used in each line is an end-stop. I suggest incorporating enjambment into this first stanza, or instead, spice up the punctuation in the whole poem. The word 'it' is used five times in just this stanza. Spice the word choice up too, because if you're just going to use the word 'it' to mean the speaker's heart, the reader is easily bored. Like, yawn. Change the diction or wording here to make this more interesting.

To make this easier to digest for the reader. To give this a stronger and more fluid flow. That being said, the first comma in the second and third lines aren't needed. Starting the fourth line with 'so' isn't a great idea. There are a couple of S.T.A.B. words scattered throughout this poem. These are words that generally clog up the flow and are unnecessary, usually used to connect clauses though instead they're used at the beginning of a line. So, to, and, because/but. I suggest reading the poem aloud with and without these words before deciding to keep them in. For the most part you'll find that these words aren't needed for a line to work.

I'm just so afraid for how long's it's been breaking,

A spider web of cracks and constant aching.

I fear I'll never be fully mended; too many cracks to be taped back together.

I know deep inside this can't be replaced, so I'll be stuck with this mess forever.


I just now realized you've been rhyming, or attempting to rhyme through this poem. I didn't notice in the first stanza because it's not as obvious. That being said, 'is' and 'sick' from the first stanza don't rhyme that well, so the two don't mesh together. I can see that the rhyme scheme is AABB though this isn't all that obvious at first because the first two lines of the first stanza don't rhyme. This element of the poem doesn't do much or add much for me and is just there.

I feel the same about the last stanza and the ending line. I kind of wish that the subject matter ended up being a little bland or original with the poem being about heartbreak, a common trope. Not a lot new is brought to the table with this. Invent imagery that makes this interesting. Invent lines that make the reader care more and feel more. I'm not saying to go with a fresh idea, I'm saying to experiment to make this old idea fresh.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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Fri Jul 21, 2017 10:33 pm
myjaspercat wrote a review...



Hey there ElvenJedi,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review

Line-by-Line/Nit-Picks


My heart isn't broken, though most would say it is.
I'm not one to exaggerate, but I think it may be sick. I like this imagery, it's different and unique. Good job.
If it was broken I'd be dead, [remove comma] from depression, grief, [remove the comma] and self-hate.
So I'll only say it's breaking, [I would replace comma with a hyphen] in which [this] process [comma] it deteriorates.
---
I'm just so afraid for how long's You don't need the apostrophe and 's' it's been breaking,
A spider web of cracks and constant aching. since this isn't the start of a new sentence, you need to lowercase the 'a'
I fear I'll never be fully mended; too many cracks to be taped back together.
I know deep inside this[it] can't be replaced, [remove comma] so I'll be stuck with this mess forever.
---
My heart isn't broken, it's just falling apart.
Piece by piece [comma] day by day, my slowly breaking heart.
Every day I feel it tiring, dying,
But one day it'll be over. I'll be done trying. This stanza as a whole just seems like a repetition of what's already happened. It's not bad, and I do think it kind of ties in the piece, but I just want you to make sure you watch out.
---
But Only then will I call it broken.


Overall
So I think you have a pretty nice poem here. I like the idea and I think, while the idea is a little used, you managed to make it unique. So good job there. Mainly what I wrote above is basically common punctuation/grammatical errors and nit-picks. One main thing I want to mention is that while I see your rhyme scheme, the beginning stanza didn't quite fit. The words you used just didn't really work in my opinion.

Final Thoughts
All in all, I think you're good here. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.




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Fri Jul 21, 2017 9:21 pm
bvbAngel wrote a review...



Mind if I drop in for a review? Okay so first off I love how you said that your heart isn't broken, that instead its just sick. I like the creativity, the emotion the reader feels when we read it. It makes me wonder exactly what inspired you to write this poem. It makes me feel as if you really felt this type of pain. This poem is all too relatable for me. The wording that you used for this was Incredible. I really liked this piece. When you say that "every day I feel it tiring, dying, But one day it'll be over. I'll be done trying" that shows a lot of emotion and pain.

I noticed that the beginning if this isn't really rhyming, but then the second part rhymes. Just in my opinion, I could be wrong, but I think that this would be better if you either had it all rhyming, or all of it not rhyming. You know?

Honestly thats all that I seen. It was really good. I hope to see more pieces like this in the future! Thank you for sharing! Also I hope this helped you!





Monster is a relative term. To a canary, a cat is a monster. We're just used to being the cat.
— Henry Wu, "Jurassic World"