We'd cried already, that was over with.
An hour ago we all hugged you for the last time.
We'd sung already, me, you, and our friends,
the songs that held countless memories.
But that is over now.
You walk me back to my car.
We've already said our farewells.
That is over now.
The tears are drying already.
But this is the final moment.
I give you a quick hug, it happens so fast.
Your parents call you inside.
Your door closes.
I close my car door.
This is final.
What are you doing now?
Where are you?
I can't see you anymore where did you go?
Panic paralyzes me and poisons my brain
These thoughts pulse repetitively in my mind
Circling my heart making me dizzy.
I try to remember what I last said to you,
But I can't.
It's all a blur.
I'm screaming inside clawing at the walls of my heart
To escape and go back to you.
This is goodbye.
No. This was goodbye.
Even that goodbye was taken from me;
now there's nothing left.
This was final.
I'm shaking from concentrating on accepting that..
…That this was final.
...
I run out the car door and into my house.
No privacy.
Nowhere to cry and scream all alone.
I want to scream.
So badly.
I scream inwardly, but the need is still there--
the need to cry out and break something.
Still I refuse to counter the thought
That this was final.
This was forever.
Goodbye forever.
...
Somehow I find sleep.
I wake up my face is stiff with tears,
but I don't cry anymore.
That phase is over and I know it.
I get out of bed, I brush my teeth, I get dressed, I eat breakfast.
All the normal things.
Life continues.
Yesterday I felt like I would cry for years.
But today I'm hit with reality.
That life continues.
No matter where you are, how lonely, how much you want to inwardly scream until you break down from exhaustion.
Because this is final.
This is over.
This is done.
But life isn't.
And that's the hardest to accept.
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139,477 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
Beautiful. That's all I can say. I'd love to review but this is too wonderful.
Good job!
Hey there ElvenJedi,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review.
Line-by-Line/Nit-Picks
Spoiler
Overview
For the most part, I really enjoyed this poem. I found it to be nicely written and there were some strong emotions that I saw in the piece. However, there are a few overall suggestions that I would like to mention if you don't mind.
So, the first thing you'll notice in the line-by-line is that I bolded five out of the sixty lines total in your poem. Now, the one difference between the bolded lines and the un-bolded lines is the fact that the bolded lines have no punctuation. That's not a lot compared to how long your poem is. Basically, punctuation in poetry is similar to punctuation in prose and serves almost the same purpose as bar lines in music without which the words and notes won’t flow all together. In other words, punctuation assists in organizing your words into discernible verses:
b. aids in coherence and the presentation of meaning
c. signals when and where to breathe (very important)
So, let’s talk about the flow of a poem, determined by the POSITION of the punctuation it contains :
b. Run-on line/Enjambment – when there is no punctuation at the end of the line and/or the idea expressed in the verse is continued in the next
c. Caesura – when a punctuation mark comes within the line itself
You may be asking why I'm telling you all of this, well...punctuation gives the reader a brief release in tension, allowing him/her to pause for a moment and consider what has been read so far. This is why you must be thoughtful in where you break the line because your choices will affect the reader’s experience of the flow and motion of the poem.
In your piece, while the abundant periods help your reader understand that "this is final" (or at least that's what I got from it) it in-turn lag down the overall pacing of your poem. Every line I had to stop, even when I wanted to continue reading forwards. Just as well, there were moments in your poem that I kind of felt should have been slowed down --not to be confused with completely stopping-- but there were no commas. Anyway, I would suggest going through your piece a bit more and read it out load (more then once) and really think about where you absolutely have to have those periods, commas etc. You should also find the places where it could be left without.
You may not realize, but the more punctuation you have the slower the piece is going to read. But let's move on...
Capitalization; there was a total of five lines that were lowercased. Now I noticed that they were only lowercased after they followed a line that ending with a comma -which is great, since grammatically they're correct. However this ties in with the whole punctuation thing, there needs to be more lowercased lines then there are. Right now, you have a wall of text and to start each line with a capital letter can get kind of strenuous to read. But like the punctuation, changing this is all up to you.
I actually really loved the creativity of your formatting for this piece. The main concerns I have are: remove the extra space in between each line and add a couple more stanzas/ make the stanza breaks clearer.
As I said in the line-by-line the repetition of "this is over" became a bit to much. Personally. I completely understand what you're trying to get across, but sometimes reading the same thing over and over makes it lose its appeal. Other then that though I found that you had some nice imagery and that it all worked really well to get a strong emotion through.
Another thing though is that I did find the narrator of your poem to be slightly unrealistic. What I mean by this is that your character kept talking about how they're never going to see their friend again or what not, but if you're that close to someone wouldn't you find a way to keep in touch? I mean like, emails or vacations or what not. If something happened or if there was a specific reason why these two people will for sure never see each other again, then I think you should maybe find a way to make that clear.
Final Thoughts
All in all, I think you have a really nice piece here. It needs a bit of polishing, but what doesn't. I hope I wasn't too harsh, and I hope I helped. If you have any questions feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.
I don't normally reply to reviews but this was EXTREMELY HELPFUL! You are amazing at reviewing, I can tell you must've really taken the time to write a good review. Thanks so much for the review!!
Of course, I'm glad to be of help. I do actually spend quite sometime on reviews --depending on length and the type of piece. Like, I once spent three hours on a review for a chapter. But that's beyond the point. I'm glad you found my review to be helpful and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Hi! Thought I'd drop in for a quick review.
This poem is very beautiful and relevant. I think we all have a special friend who moves away at one point of time or the other, making us (and themselves) sad and frustrated. I can relate to your situation.
I think in the second line of the last stanza, you ought to add a comma or an "and" between "I wake up" and "my face is stiff with tears". Anyways, this is just a minor flaw in an otherwise amazing poem. I did not notice any other grammatical error. The words were written well and punctuation marks were used wherever required. I liked the format of the poem, where, at times, you began a new line somewhere from the center rather than from the extreme left. It was a unique and nice concept.
Now coming to the actual contents of the poem. It was literally and actually flawless. It was simple and straight-forward and yet kind if mystic. I loved it! You expressed your emotions and feelings so well. After a close person moves away, it seems as if, you know, the world has collapsed. Others may say this is exaggeration and urge you to stop overacting, but only the people who face such a thing know its absolutely true. And, you were able to express just that in your poem.
Overall, it was one good poem. Your creativity, talent and fire shone in every line. Keep up the wonderful work!
I can actually relate to this. However i was on the opposite side i was the one who moved away, and it's just as hard.