Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Another year passed and I carry on through.
I broke another heart, now I’ve stolen two!
My future’s looking grey and my mood is blue,
Crying all alone, don’t know what to do.
Cuts on my arms, blood drops off my wrists,
Wearing long sleeves, a fake smile on my lips.
Crying while asleep, dreaming of that kiss,
The kiss I’ll never have, and the life I’ll always miss.
Nightmares every night, I try to stay awake,
But bad dreams can be a sort of escape.
Staring at the ceiling, my heart about to break,
Shivering all over, depression makes me shake.
Another year passed and what have I done?
Broke a heart, lost mine, now I’ve got none.
Smiling at the moon, afraid of the sun,
What am I gonna do? my life’s just begun.
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140,075 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hey ElvenJedi, here again for Review Day,
Positives:Nice flow and good, consistent and simple rhyming scheme. It's clean, and I like that.
This was the only part of the piece that felt very creative. It was a twist, and it worked because you just explained something being as bad, but then turned around and essentially said, "but not as bad as not dreaming." Thought that was good.
Negatives:To me, it's just too simple. It's not that it's bad or anything like that, it's just that it's literally just there. There's nothing to it, and for me, there's not much reason to read it. I may be over exaggerating on this one, but that's what I was thinking at the moment.
Overall:It could use some love and some more attention to detail. Try to make it more of a scene, and replace anything that's just ordinary or mundane with a little bit of spice.
I give it:
Thanks for another helpful review, exactly what I needed to hear!
Dear ElvenJedi,
) From my experience, dreams are worse then reality! I once dreamt someone with cancer was gonna die almost every night for about two months before the person actually passed away. The nightmares were not fun at all! And definitely not an escape.
Eccentric Rose, here for a review!
Overall review, I like the feel of the poem.
"But bad dreams can be sort of an escape." <---- This line feels odd, as the reviewer before me has already said. (If I agree with something I like to say it. Two affirmations are better then one!
If you are looking for another line or something to change it up with, "awake" and "sake" rhyme!
Maybe: "I drink coffee, if only for my sake."
(To stay help stay awake)
I liked the rythm of the poem. The only time I stumbled while reading was for this line:
"Broke a heart, lost mine, now I've got none."
I think it is because every other line only had one pause (comma or question mark or the word 'and') but that line had two commas, making it flow a little differently.
Correct me if I'm wrong because I really have no idea...but should "My" be capitalized on the last line? I love poetry but I have much to learn about the different styles and rules. Don't take this advice for granted!
My favourite line. -----> "Smiling at the moon, and afraid of the sun,"
I liked the content and overall idea. It reminds quite a bit of my own style of poetry.
I hope to see more of your work! Please PM me if you have any questions.
~Rose
Hey there. Came across this in the green room and decided I'd check it out and help where I can.
You're trying to portray a melancholy emotion here, but in poem form, I'd love to see some imagery rather than 'crying all alone' and 'my future's looking grey/my mood is blue'. It'll add a good dimension that'll give to the feel you want to get through the poem.
Referring to self-harm here, which is a very sensitive topic so I've had a mod bump the rating up for you.
It gets pretty random here, and I'm not sure what relevance it has to the rest of the poem, so if you want to keep it then I'd like to see a connection with former and latter lines.
I think you can also get away with more creative imagery with the mention of nightmares. I'm also curious how bad dreams are an escape, because they seem to be more of a trap; a problem. So, escape from what? Elaborate on it, or get rid of the forced rhyming.
Through the rest of the poem, it seems to be very dependant on the rhyming, I'm seeing a few forced ones along the lines. And I like the storyline, but it's very blunt with little explanation, so try and work on that even if it compromises the rhyme a bit, and work with getting an emotional connection through it if you can. Hopefully I made sense? I'm a bit disoriented right now. But PM me with any questions:)
-amelie.
I can relate with the caption, sometimes people think just because you write poetry that is more on the 'sad' side, shall we say, they think your mood actually reflects that lol