Winds rip at my hair and let lose a strand,
And I pull my scarf to my face.
Couples walk past me hand in hand,
In their eyes romantic grace
I feel my own hand, limp at my side,
My fingers twitch for something to hold them.
My eyes sting from the wind against my stride,
...Or perhaps from the loneliness instead.
-----
A snowflake settles on my gloved hand’s palm,
Only to melt away.
I hear familiar notes, hidden in the season's songs,
Summoning memories of last Christmas Day.
Every note and every beat,
Bring the the memories to me,
And as the lyrics repeat,
So do past Christmas memories.
-----
Snowflakes get caught in my wind-tousled tresses,
And a wind wisps aside an unruly strand.
My disregard to this expresses
The solemnity of my state of mind.
Is there a place on Christmas Day
For those with broken hearted spirits?
Do we just wander through the fogs and pray
That next year won't be spent without those we hold dearest?
-----
The crunch of the frost beneath my snow-soaked shoes
Has become a beat to my mind,
One memory comes as another I lose,
Memories coming and going like time.
The contrast of this year and the last,
The memories made and in making,
Brings a pang to my heart for the beauty of the past
Against the pain of my heart as it's breaking.
-----
My vision is blurred and the light is smeared,
And it is then that I realize
That my lashes are heavy with tears,
Fogging my clouded eyes.
And I hope that no one can see or tell
That the tears aren't from the wind, this time.
Vaguely am I aware that I'm losing myself
As I have Christmas, with me, myself, and I.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Hello, ElvenJedi! Artemis here for a shiny review five days before Christmas!
A very early Christmas to you and keep writing!
First, I want to talk about the rhyme scheme. For most of the poem, you find words that make sense and also rhyme, which is great. But for some, it sounds like you've run out of fitting words and you're just desperate to end a sentence. For example, "them" and "instead" isn't the best rhyme to use in your first stanza.
Then in your second stanza, line 6, "the" is repeated. Take out the second one, please.
Onto the content, Jedi! The idea here is quite interesting. The fact that someone is alone on Christmas day is kind of a contradiction to the holiday itself. Again, an intriguing base for a poem.
However, throughout the stanzas I feel like you're repeating the same things over and over again. You've already established that the character is lost in thought and solemn, but in your poem it is told to the reader in a way that makes it seem too repetitive. Perhaps you could change the focus of your poem a little in order to make it less redundant?
I'm sorry I couldn't find much to change, but I hoped this review helped. If I came across as harsh, please let me know and I will try to fix that.
XOX,
Artemis28
heyo, ElvenJedi! Casanova here to do a review for you! Anyway, I'll be taking this section by section so I hope you don't mind. To the review!
Aye, two things to touch on here. I know it's a Christmas poem so I was expecting a bit of rhyming, but if you rhyme try to keep in consistent. A good rhyme scheme is alright, an all over the place rhyme scheme just seems choppy.
The next thing here is the formatting. I would suggest hitting shift + enter, as it makes the lines closer together and you don't have the extra white space here.
Overall these lines are okay, the imagery is there. But it does just seem like a Christmas poem whilst no emotion.
The next thing I didn't like about these lines was the last two-
Okay, three things here. First off- flow. In the first line it seems a bit speedy, whereas the second line seems too slow. I would suggest taking the comma out from between,"christmas," and,"with." I think that would help verbal flow.
Second off- the repetition of,"Myself." I found it useless to repeat it in the second line. You could just cut that line, in all honesty, and it wouldn't really harm the poem.
Thirdly- The first line there seems like a question and not a statement. I didn't know if this was intentional or not. Anyway, onward.
Aye, the formatting here gets it again, I would suggest a change. Anyway, overall the lines here are really good. In my opinion better than the first stanza, as these seem more upbeat and the flow better. Anyway, I think that's all I have to say on these, so onward.
I know it's Christmas and all, but don't repeat snowflakes as the starting line for a stanza. It seems a little cliche and like you're grasping at straws to keep your poem flowing.
Also, brokenhearted in one word, just so ya know.
The last line is a question, but it seems more like a statement. You're not saying,"Will the next year," You're just plainly saying that it is, if that makes any sense.
Anyway, that's the farthest I'm gonna go on this one. I hope it helped and have a great day!
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
This is Kaos here for a review!
Interesting poem, though I don't really think you captured what you were trying to get across with the title completely with me. I didn't really get that feeling of being alone, especially on Christmas or some other holiday It's a nice and pleasant topic to touch on or tackle, but I don't think you hit the right nerves on all of this. The detail about the couples could have gone further and you could have expanded for s stronger line like how the main character didn't have anyone to hold their hand (and perhaps only their pocket did).
This is a basic 4 x 4 structure, so I encourage you to experiment with it. Structure is more important than you think in poetry and while it may seem to fit this poem, it's definitely beneficial to try other things than just that because it helps you build a stronger structure. This is how everything is versed and worded, even punctuation goes into it. Punctuation is something else that I wanted to touch on as well as line length. Try and make the punctuation in this poem stronger, but keep it simple. When you have a throw-away line or any line that stands on its own, you don't have to expand on it. If there is an image that you want to build, expand on it, appropriately, of course. Line length is something that is something that probably bothers me more than other people, but be sure to switch it up once in awhile at the appropriate time; let it be able to flow on its own as well as you controlling that flow.
Not going to touch on the rhyme in this poem rather than I didn't really find a reason for it to be there and it restricts the flow or passageway or imagery so I'm against it. It holds a pattern though some of it is almost-rhyming and that feels off-a-beat with things such as "strand" and "mind" which is probably the best example from that. I wanted more imagery to break through in the poem with the snow-soaked shoes.
The third line in the last stanza is worded awkwardly but I do like the beginning and ending stanzas for being nice and cute. It seems as if you're trying too hard to sound like you have a poetic voice in some places rather than your own and I want you to cut that with all the fancy wording. Word choice is important, yes, but you need a better reason than that it sounds 'nicer'.
Capture more of the tone of feeling alone with imagery and I think that this poem could potentially be more hard-hitting than it is now. The punctuation is something that needs to be touched on because in some places there are comma splices and to work out all the kinks in the flow. Loved the concepts and ideas already here, I just wanted more. Give us more images to attach emotion to.
I hope I helped and have a great day!
Thanks so much for this review, very VERY helpful! I just edited and I'm not sure if its any better... not finished editing though. I like your points, and have to say I agree with most of them.
I liked that alot, and that last part, was perfect to me, I wanna look at your other poems if you have any more
Thanks so much for the encouragement