He Won't Speak to Me Anymore

Hi,
Wow... This poem is so amazing. I don't know how I could avoid this earlier when you published this, so shame on me not finding this treasure. And I'm not exaggerating here, I truly love this poem. One of the reason is because this poem is, oh God, there are so much that I can relate in my life to this poem. The second reason is because your style of conveying this is simple--I think--really raw and it just struck my heart. The third reason is, oh my, you're actually rhyming the poem, and I don't even notice that. Everything flows so right. I didn't notice you're rhyming the poem until the few stanzas before the last one.

Okay, now it is time to go into the meats! >_<

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I feel that this poem is very personal. I have some personal experiences about it too and every words hit me hard because on how true it is especially the title. Although I like this poem a lot, but that doesn't mean that your poem is flawless. I got many things that I simply want to point out and I will do that now.

First thing I don't like is that you're being so vague. I can get the images of the poem because of my experiences, but after I reread this without relating to me, I found this poem is abstract. Abstract is good, but does abstract-sity helps much here? Maybe, but then your poem would be like random. Each people would get different thoughts about this poem. Your true message might not reach them. What is concrete-sity? Something that can stand on its own feet. Something strong enough. However, I actually like abstract-sity, but I don't like it coming from the abstract-sity itself. I really love reading poem that can conjure good abstract values from concretes images. For example, think of a painting. It is just a picture of a wall, so what's so good about this wall that people would spend millions on that? The answer is the value the wall symbolized. The things beyond that.

Enough with that stuff, hope you understand what I was saying.

And it's not good to do puns about "you" and "You" here. I just hate that. It can create some misunderstanding, so try to fix this thing because I found it so disturbing. Another thing I noticed that you're repeating the same points. Yeah, it help to make your points stronger, but I think your poem is strong enough that you don't have to repeat the images of your tales of bonding. Although it creates a very good sad mood, but then, try not to overuse it.

***

I love this poem, that's all. This poem has a lot of potentials~! ^_^

Keep writing.

~memo

I'll jump straight in.

I like how you've kept it constant and in each stanza there are 4 lines.

Your rhyme scheme is constant which is also good.

One thing with the rhyming, in some places, for example, in the below, 'stories' and 'worries' don't rhyme and this kinda disrupts the pattern.

" We’d laugh together and cry together,

We’d exchange life’s stories,

We were to be friends for all of forever,

We shared our joys and worries. "


In other places like "each other we never opposed", the 'opposed' seems really forced to rhyme with 'woes'.

In the last stanza, 'heaven' doesn't need a capital.

The one thing with your poem is that you're telling us too much, you're pretty much spoonfeeding information to us, instead, show us what's happening. Make use of imagery. Don't explain what happened, we can decipher that for ourselves, just give us the tools to (i.e. smells, emotions, metaphors, etc)

So all in all well done but keep working on bending the rules a bit with your poems and making them deeper

This is Kaos here for a review!

So this is pleasantly not at all what I thought it was going to be. I myself don't believe in any religion but I thought that this poem was clever in what it was with the reveal at the end. Before this, though, you give us a vague poem without really any personal experiences, none that go too into detail. That's something of your choice, if you want to keep it so that the reader can fill the shoes of their relationship with God (if they have one, of course) or if you should change it to fill more of your personal relationship.

I think it would be good to see the latter since not everyone has one, such as I, but I do like this poem from a perspective on the outside because it wasn't what I thought it would be with the stereotypical love poem. One thing I did want to heavily mention for this poem was structure. You seem to only want to write in stanzas with four lines in them and I think that the rhyme is nice but for other poems, I want to see you try and break out of this habit because I think you as a poet can move further on from this. I'm not saying it's a valid one to use sometimes but I think that you can do more than just that.

You can play with white space or prose-poetry or simply just write a poem without having to maintain this structure. I did want more hints or hints that delved deeper earlier in the poem that kind of hinted that this was about the speaker's relationship with their God. This is because right now or at the moment the poem comes off to be something of a punch-line poem. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who calls it this, but it's when you base the poem around its ending and kind of use filler in the other places, so I wanted more depth all the way throughout the poem. Keep writing and experimenting.

I hope I helped and have a great day!