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Dream Star

by ElvenJedi


We climbed the tree, you and I,

Up into its branches barren with winter.

We stared up together at the sky,

Breached by the limbs guarding us sisters.

A refuge, a fortress, held us high,

Above the world, beyond their whispers.

---

The desperate winds brought tears to our lashes,

And I told you words I’ve told not my dreams.

I told you the thoughts that would have anyone laughing,

But you understood, you hear with concern my thoughts’ stream,

You joined with me in our fantastical melancholy, the magic,

You didn’t scoff and leave me for the nonsense it seemed.

---

The sun set without our notice,

And our hands started to quiver but we did nothing.

The moment was far too precious,

So we dragged our thoughts away from cold and its cutting.

We relished the solemnity we share when our hearts are closest,

So we paid no heed to the darkness as it was coming.

---

Your quiet voice shook me from my haze,

“Look, you see that lonely star?”

As night fell like a blanket over your face,

The sky was lit by only one spark.

“Let’s catch it,” I heard myself say,

“Let’s catch it and make it a fire for this dark.”

---

So I felt through the air for that lonely white speck,

And we cried out to the sky to give us its star,

So that we might receive dreams better yet

Than the nightmares that precede the midnight hours.

But when I felt the light resting in my palm, just a sun’s fleck,

I knew it didn’t belong with our human hearts.

---

“Let’s give it back,” I told you, a whisper,

You must have felt the same,

For you nodded looked up to the sky, clouded with winter,

And we cried as we saw it fly back to whence it came,

And the emptiness echoed through our tears that glittered,

And I wonder now if I’d have had a better dream

---

If we’d kept that star, you and I,

If we hadn’t returned it to the night sky.


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Thu Feb 02, 2017 5:37 am
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LadyShadows wrote a review...



Hello! My name is LadyShadows and I'm going to review this piece!

My initial thoughts is the fact that this was definitely an excellent piece. I loved it a lot! To me it had a fantasy, dreamy like feel to it. I like poems that have that sort of feel.
Now let's review, shall we?
The poem was in my opinion not too short and not too long. There was a little bit of repetitive parts in this but that's fine. You didn't over do this. I also noticed that you took the time to chop the poem in parts, which is a good thing, because it makes the poem clean. However you capitalized each line of the poem whether or not a sentence may have ended. And you know what? I'm going to tell you what I said to someone on a prior review: Don't sweat it. It's a simple mistake. I do it too, and yet I've written for a good portion of my life. But going on, I've noticed that in this poem that there is supposed to be rhyme, and yet it seemed forced. Meaning you tried to find words that rhymed with each other and yet did not; these words merely sounded like each other. You must be careful of that. It ruined the blooming consistency you had coming on. However, I think I may be a fan! :) I will see more of your works. Keep writing and have a great day! :)




ElvenJedi says...


Thanks for this very helpful review, and I appreciate the encouragement!



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Thu Feb 02, 2017 2:02 am
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herbgirl wrote a review...



Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
To begin, i think this poem is very simple and very sweet. i do not have a sister, but i fell that this poem encompasses that emotion, or at least as i have observed it between friends. It was quite enjoyable.
Now, i do have a few suggestion as to how you could improve this. To begin, i was bothered by the rhyme scheme. Oftentimes it seemed you were forced to twist your words into awkward phrases to fit the rhyme scheme, which resulted in some confusing sentences, like in the last few lines of your second stanza. There's not much you can do about this while maintaining the current rhyme scheme, besides just reading through and adjusting lines until they make more sense. Another thing that threw the flow off was the number of syllables in some your lines, like in the sixth stanza, and more subtly in most of the others. Again, i would recommend just reading through and seeing if you can adjust the syllable count per line until it sounds right. There's not much, in my opinion, one can do with traditional rhyme scheme poems. Although this was very nice, i encourage you to explore other poem styles, like free verse, to experiment with less constricting forms of lyric.
The other thing that really bothered me was the ending. It took me a couple times of reading through those last two lines to understand that they were a continuation of the sentence from the previous stanza. i suggest just forgetting the pre-existing pattern and just adding those two lines to the previous stanza, it would make more sense. Also regarding those two lines, i'm not quite sure what the message of this poem was. i was getting a real sisterhood/love vibe, but the final stanza seems to try to make a connection to some deeper pain, but i'm not sure what. try to make this clearer, maybe add another stanza or a few more details throughout to help you.
Anyways, i really did like the sweet vibe i got from this poem. If any of this was unclear and you need clarification, feel free to contact me with any questions!
Keep up the good work!
herbgirl




ElvenJedi says...


Thanks for this very helpful review, really appreciate the feedback!



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Thu Feb 02, 2017 12:32 am
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there, ElvenJedi! Niteowl here to review this poem.

Overall, I like the story and imagery of this piece. Rhyming poems are often hard to pull off, but I think it worked well in this piece except for a few spots.

The first stanza was great, but the second one is my least favorite. It feels long and rambling, and the rhymes feel more forced. I do, however, like the line "And I told you words I’ve told not my dreams." I would consider making these lines a little shorter and clearer.

We relished the solemnity we share when our hearts are closest,


This line felt clunky when I read it out loud. I think it's the word "solemnity" that's getting to me. Maybe something shorter like "peace" would work.

Than the nightmares that precede the midnight hours.


It seems like nightmares would come after the midnight hour, not before it. I would replace "precede" with "follow".

You must have felt the same,

For you nodded looked up to the sky, clouded with winter,

And we cried as we saw it fly back to whence it came,


The meter is off here. The last line just feels too long. Potential solutions include lengthening the first line (e.g. "You nodded, for you felt the same.") and/or shortening the last line (e.g. "crying as it flew black to whence it came"). Also, same/came don't rhyme with dream, breaking your rhyme pattern. You may want to consider changing your ending words so they match.

And I wonder now if I’d have had a better dream


This line feels weak, as the phrase "I'd have had" sounds like filler words. I think replacing it with a stronger verb could be really cool. Something like: "I wonder now if I would chase brighter dreams".

Overall, this is a nice story with good imagery. Keep writing! :)




ElvenJedi says...


Thanks for this EXTREMELY helpful review! I'll be sure to edit this soon, considering all your suggestions!




"Honey."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi