The pain, it slows you down.
Once flying, pulled back to the ground.
But life won’t wait for you to stand.
Time keeps on, you’ll understand.
You cry, you say, just can’t go on
When your other half is so far gone.
But you can’t just keep waiting
For the memories to just stop playing,
You’ve got to stand on your own,
You’ve got to cross this ocean all alone.
‘Cause you can’t wait for life to apologize,
No, you can’t pretend these truths are lies.
You can’t stay all alone until it’s all better,
‘Cause these things just get worse till they shatter.
So don’t wait, you’re running out of time.
If you stay, life will leave you far behind.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Hello! LadyShadows here to review your piece!
Now I have only read one piece of yours, and needless to say, I'm definitely a fan! This was a very nice poem, and it wasn't too short either. I do have a taste for at least somewhat lengthy poems. Now yet again, I noticed that just like the last poem, there seems to be forced rhyming. Read the poem out loud. I have told people this before, as your voice will catch on to inconsistency. And just like the other poem there is a capital letter for every line. That is generally frowned upon when writing a poem. Overall though these are simple mistakes, and this is a very deep poem. It speaks truth about life in a nutshell. Keep writing!
Thanks for the encouragement and helpful review! Yes I do struggle with forced rhyming, so your feedback on that is very helpful, thanks for taking the time to review this!
Hey ElvenJedi, here for a Review Day review,
Positives:
This part was probably the best of the poem, in my opinion. I enjoyed it because of the fact that you've given us two sides, and while one is crying and sinking lower, we can assume that the other side is doing something different. You've tried to appeal to this second side in the following lines, which is a good way to build your reader through the poetry.
Negatives:The unfortunate part that I see with this poem is that, were it to have some good music in the background and lead vocalist with a good voice, it would be perfectly fine, but as a standalone poem, there's just not all that much here to make me impressed. Your topic is simple, and okay, but your choices of words doesn't really seem to support it all that much. There's just not enough "oomph" here, if that makes any sense.
You've got the structure and the format all laid out, which is to say it has a good foundation, but there's not much flesh on it, and that's probably the most important part. I've seen terrible poems that don't actually amount to much, but that had all the right frills and thrills get the most attention. So I would focus on that with this piece.
I give it:
Thanks for this awesome review!
Woah, your poem is soo amazing, every word you used on here just stuns me.
These two verses:
‘Cause you can’t wait for life to apologize,
No, you can’t pretend these truths are lies.
Really intrigued me, and I must say it made me love the poem more because of the intensity and depth of the words you chose.
Keep up with the good work
Thanks so much for your encouragement! Really appreciate it
This is amazing. The very first line blew me away and I was like WOW!!. You have got really nice thoughts. The use of plain words and the innovation of your imagery make this poem a very interesting. It has got everything a poem needs.
You are great.
I have just one issue with this poem. The line:
"You cry, you say, just can't go on" I think the word say does not fix here properly. Instead,words like "break down" will suit here.
"Just can't go on" can also be replaced by you get tangled.
So " you cry, you break down, you get tangled" perhaps will make it more interesting.
However, this is only a suggestion. But overall, the theme. punctuation and everything is amazing.
Keep up the good work
Thanks for your review! Very helpful... I appreciate encouraging but also helpful reviews like this one!
Welcome dear,
Hey Elven. Here to try to point out any revisions that need to be made that I can find.
I like the lesson it shows.
"You cry, you say, just can’t go on"
You kind of awkwardly added in 'just can't go on' at the end and I think this would need to be revised somehow, perhaps with word choice or in a different part of the line? Or just something simple such as: "You cry, you say you can't go on".
Perhaps in the ending sentence to make it more effective you should say something different unless you want to keep the theme of the poem which I completely understand. "If you collapse, life will leave you in the dust like the world did me". Some type of twist always makes it more interesting. Shock value really.
But you could just keep it the way it is because it doesn't really matter anyway as it doesn't have any real problems that need fixing.
Thx for this review! Very helpful! I think I'll edit it soon, I agree with your points