Some hearts are broken like chocolate,
divided for our loves to enjoy.
Other hearts are broken like glow-sticks,
shining softly in the dark.
Some hearts are broken like silence,
the unbearable numbness shattering to pain.
They are often broken like safety seals
to expose the raw emotion within.
Some hearts are broken like circuits,
where the spark fizzles away.
Some hearts are broken like rules,
giving rise to the lawless soul.
Other hearts are broken like beer bottles:
sharp, sweet, and hazardous.
Most hearts are broken like wristwatches,
And simply cease to move.
All hearts are broken like shackles.
So we must move on.
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey there Chaser.
I'm trying to go through the Review Checklist Challenge and I found your poem. And you never really got a proper set of reviews, so I guess here I am to do that.
I'm kind of surprised that this didn't get any likes or attention, because it's actually pretty great. It probably just kicked out of the green room too soon by the other peeps that tried to make it work, but yeah you've got no real feedback from them.
Let's just take it from the top?
You've got the comparisons of what the different hearts are like all the way through, which I would usually call out for the repetition, but it's not too obnoxious. Usually the same starters get tiring by like the second use but this is actually tasteful, so I'm finding myself actually really liking this poem. That's kinda weird for me to find a poem that I really like and only have like 5 critiques for.
The imagery is gr8 overall. The one thing I'm not a fan of is that it gets like a little vague at the end, which is kinda to be expected with this. The comparison of broken shackles is not quite fitting right in my mind, because that seems like a more positive emotion to be attaching to love. I guess that you meant it as they were forcefully broken free from each other and parting ways, but it just doesn't come across quite like that.
These are having a bit of tendency to conflict. I get the sharp and hazardous with the comparisons of the relationships, but sweet isn't quite working. I sort of get the emotion that you're going for here, how it's mixture of different things and some are more positive. But my knowledge of beer bottles and their smell, turns me off of thinking about any sort of romantic thing.
Go for something else?
I feel like this review has been really unhelpful but I can't really think of anything else to say.
Ask if you've got questions.
Happy RD.
~lizz
Radrook here to provide feedback.
I understand much of the the poem as describing how we as humans respond to the frustration caused by a realization that the one we were devoted to and trusted was actually entirely different and perhaps even an enemy. The different ways in which our devotions, represented by our hearts, are suddenly changed or broken. I like the way that the poem offers one simile after another which is good since it serves to clearly differentiate it from prose by constantly engaging the visual imagery of the reader's mind and demanding an understanding via interpretation.
Hey Corrupted Arrow here with a review!
(The Comma Police is here! Anything I say here is just constructive criticism. If I offend you in any way, I apologize in advance.(I will try to be humorous.)
I'm impressed! You are really, really good! I hope I can review more of your work soon!
"Some hearts are broken like circuits,
where the spark fizzles away.
Some hearts are broken like rules,
giving rise to the lawless soul." There shouldn't be a comma after 'circuits' and 'rules'.
From what I can see you don't have any grammar and/or comma mistakes. Keep up the writing, have a good day.