Considering the distinguished competition, the odds of my writing a comparable review are laughable. Still, I have the time, and I've been reading a lot of Hamlet these days, so I thought I might as well enter the contest.
I feel mixed about this, to be honest? My major problem with this script is that it feels...unmemorable, for lack of a better word. Mackenzie seems interesting, given how she seems relatively unfazed by her surroundings, but that's the problem - she is unfazed. After a dream like that, I wouldn't want to go off alone, much less repeat the circumstances of my dream in the process. Yeah, her actions edge close towards cliche, since she puts the minimal amount of effort to waking her husband up, and also readily descends down a dark staircase in a creepy castle. It's good to see that Findler is personable and inviting (though, I confess, walking with an insomniac man who has some barely-hidden affection should raise some red flags in Mackenzie's mind, and it's odd that she isn't bothered), though I'm not sure how much of an act that is. He still manages to prop up the script at the end, since I find his dialogue kind of charming. Its formality hints at his age, but also makes him come across as a gentleman (and I like the gentlemen type in general). His final line, complete with a beat, sets up the next part of the script nicely by indicating his future actions. I suspect, based on that line, that this 2 AM-walk will not be simple - Findler might try to turn Mackenzie, or make some kind of odd request, or something like that.
However, though the dialogue is one of this story's strong suits, there is a weak spot. Findler's comment of "Indeed" just comes across as incongruous. I'm guessing Mackenzie doesn't believe in vampires at this point, and I don't think Findler wants to be this open about their existence. So, why even make that statement? It might be better if Findler says it more as an aside (I figure this is more of a TV script than a play script, given the rapid scene changes at the start, so it'd be more like the voiceovers that appear earlier), if at all. Mackenzie's lack of response to the odd confirmation of her statement is also conspicuous. And that loops back to my earlier statement that she's a tad unfazed. Actually, I'd say she's more unresponsive. She reacts to the relatively cliche dream in a relatively cliche setting - bloody violence in a creepy castle - appropriately, and does cast doubt on herself when she talks to Findler, but I feel like she's not as reactive as she should be. I'm not the average person, but, after creepy dreams and strange voices, I'd be more hesitant, anxious, and trying harder to wake up my spouse. A relative stranger wanting my attention would also be suspect. Hence, she comes across as a bit flat.
I think that's why I like Findler more than Mackenzie, and the past part more the present part? His journey of revenge and isolation is summed up neatly, and the accompanying voice overs do a wonderful job explaining his regrets. "I should never have taken that deal," is cliche, yes, and I feel like the last part of his voiceover better covers his feelings, but you do a fantastic job of characterizing his emotional arc and present state. He's well-rounded and conflicted, which makes me interested in seeing how he might influence the plot. Back on the topic of the past scene, the appearance of the old man, Findler, and the forest are also well-described. I will admit, though, if someone put that much effort into killing Findler and Isabel, it does surprise me that they didn't finish the job concerning Findler, who didn't try to hide his still being alive. Then again, it was practically a mortal wound, and this was in the middle of a forest - the assassin was not expecting anyone else to show up. But yeah, I love the whole past scene, including its transitions and setup.
I don't have much else to say, so I think I'll focus on some inconsistencies. For instance, I do have some issues with the formatting here? "Old Man" and "Noise" are completely capitalized, but similarly introduced people, like Isabel, are not. Ideally, you'd want either one or the other for all people, and I feel like full capitalization emphasizes their significance to the play in the reader's mind. It would also be nice if the action descriptions were more clearly distinguished from the dialogue; the former is shifted to the left, while the dialogue is shifted to the center, but I did find myself confused at "He seems at a loss for anything to say...". Perhaps the action descriptions could be italicized? But yeah, overall, this is a pretty decent script. I feel like a number of the elements are more cliche, and the plot and dialogue do contain some weak spots. At the same time, Findler's character is interesting, the past scene is well-constructed, and you do a good job of establishing the circumstances behind the next scene in an interesting fashion. So yeah, all in all, well done!
Points: 24185
Reviews: 299
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