Note: For some reason, the paragraph spacing is not working, so the stanzas aren't appearing separate.
The roses have wilted
since the last time I've been here.
What were once bright, crimson petals
alive with the days we lived,
are now dried up remains,
black as ashes,
parched as though they have not been graced by rainfall.
The days have darkened,
your golden glow has dimmed.
The sliver of orange
that used to peek over the horizon
and kiss the mountaintops
exists no longer.
Resting on the shelf,
what once seemed like an everlasting candle.
Now the wax has gone,
and the fire has reached the end of its wick.
Hope burns no more.
Laying on the corner table,
beside the sofa of distant memories,
a frame; glass shards scattered,
dead rose petal atop the casing.
At least the photograph stayed the same.
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139,471 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
wow, I really liked it, especially the way you used the candle and the "sliver of orange". That was great.
what a poem?! its so refreshing...it seems as if its been written with no effort at all!!
i mean it flows so easily and all the verses make sense alone and together! i like the second verse most where you get all descriptive and talk about '...the silver of orange..'
'The days have darkened,
your golden glow has dimmed.
The sliver of orange
that used to peek over the horizon
and kiss the mountaintops
exists no longer.'
i know am supposed to be critiquing this work but i find no fault in this poem...
happy writing
Hello I'm Vernon and I'll be your reviewer, now the plesentaries are over, I'll begin, this had potential. But rereading noticed stuff, I'll explain with the review:
Why Roses, first of all, they're such a cliche flower, you should try something a bit more original here. Say like 'the lupins have wilted' only an example, mind. Look up different type of flowers meanings.
Now 'red' sounds so generic as well as bright, try instead crison or scarlet. For this line 'are now dried up remains' try instead are decayed remains, black as ashes. And end on parched. That way it's much stronger.
Best stanza in my opinion!
One suggestion here too, instead of last line, to indicate sorrow more put in 'Only the photo ever stayed the same.' see? It sounds more powerful and worded better too.
I hope this helped.
VSN
Hey there Shina! Here's my review
I really liked this. Perhaps you could add a few more sensory details?
No Comma after bright.
This line doesn't really seem to flow in context with the rest of the poem. Maybe you could delete it?
Good description here.
Maybe try: The days have darkened, and your golden glow has dimmed?
What rested on the shelf? Add a subject in this stanza to make it a little more clearer.
Hmm . . ."petals" will always be dead. Maybe you could do "cracked", "dry"?
Cute ending. Anyway Shina, this was great! Even though It's poetry, meant to be vague, I'd love it if you got a little more into what happened to this place. I'm hooked. I want to keep reading
What a very powerful imagery. It is vivid and vibrant.
What a sad poem. Great job of portraying that emotion. Your imagery was fantastic, and I enjoyed every bit of this poem. The only real critique I have comes in the third stanza:
You're ending line is great. It's the stuff before it that's a little confusing. If there is a way to combine those first four lines into a more coherent line, that'd be awesome. Right now, I got stuck trying to figure out what you were trying to say there.
Other than that, an excellent job! Keep it up!
kf
Like everyone else had said....it is a very pretty poem.
Your writing does bring inspiration.
I don't have much to say really ....except that your a really good writer.
Keep up the good work!
awesome poem..keep on writing...very inspirational...
loved it.
Seems very classical, and origninal.
you should check out a poem i wrote i think that you would love it..
by the queens poet.
Very wonderful poem..really
Good poem; liked the flow. A few things I would change:
I recommend changing to just "ash"
This line is a bit lengthy and, In my opinion, messes up the flow a little.
Fantastic piece, great job giving a setting. You probably know this already but the last line totally changes the piece and makes it a lot less serious. If you were going for that, great job! If not, change it.
Wow, that was amazing and deep and had virtually (or at least not to my sight) no errors what-so-ever. You are great at poetry! Keep on writing!