Lavender eyes
you paint the skies
a shade of purple and blue.
I want to find out
if what we have
is loving,
pure,
and true.
Each time I see you
I want to be with you
but you wander far away,
leaving me
with no words to say.
You always have
a tear in your eye
and I don't want
for you to cry.
But what can I do
to stop it?
Someday I want to meet you
under a dazzling silver sky.
I'll make your tears go away
and I'll make the one
that hurt you pay.
Under a full moon
the townspeople gather
beside the crescent lagoon.
The people sing and dance
their bodies moving
as though in a trance.
But I lay down and rest.
I dream about your soft pink cheeks.
I remember your sweet smile.
I wonder about where you are
and fell as though my heart is lost at sea.
I wake up in a heart beat,
my body covered in sweat
with another girl beside me.
I'll never forget when I lost you
as long as there are stars in the sky.
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140,543 Literary Works • 673,415 Reviews
Wow. This captures anything that is innocent and in love. You did a great job of the rhythm of the poem.
Hmm. This is nice, it flowed very well and has some pretty imagery. However, quite a few phrases and images seemed cliche to me. My advice is to go through it, decide which parts are the most overused and unoriginal, and think about how you could replace them with stronger language. This has the potential to be a powerful poem, but you definitely need to sift through it a bit.
Nice work though, keep writing! ^_^
Hey there! I'll try and make this as brief and to the point as possible.
The poem's message is well communicated, but i think you can go furthrt with it, mainly by pruning away unnecessary stanzas like this one:
Each time I see you
I want to be with you
but you wander far away,
leaving me
with no words to say.
This part seems like filler, as if you couldn't think of something worthwhile to say and just put down something really quickly. Well now that people have read it, you can go back to it! Or even cut it out; it feels irrelevant and adds nothing whatsoever to the poem's argument.
The rhyme scheme is inconsistent in parts and some of the choices you make are a tad forced. If anything, I suggest a decent rhyming dictionary!
This stanza I love:
"Under a full moon
the townspeople gather
beside the crescent lagoon.
The people sing and dance
their bodies moving
as though in a trance."
The image here works brilliantly, but "trance" feels odd and artificial. In any case, you need to think more at this kind of level, using subtle but sophisticated images to convey the speaker's thoughts. If it helps, concentrate on one strong visual picture like this one and base the poem around it.
I love the idea of "lavender eyes" - simple but beautiful. Maybe make this into an extended metaphor?
Good luck with editing! Hope this helps!
Gahks
6/10
The only thing that bothered me was the rhyming/rhyme scheme. You had a pattern going, and then all of a sudden it would break and throw off the flow of the poem. Some off the words you rhymed with felt a little forced to me, and sometimes you changed topics form stanza to stanza and I couldn't quite see the connection. Also, try to keep your stanza's the smae lengthto give your poetry structure. I absoluetly adore the last two lines though. Overall, there was an underlying story that I enjoyed, and this has a lot of potential. Keep going!
Hey there Shina, dear! June here!
.
I know, I know, I haven't had the time to review anything by you, and I'm terribly sorry! I didn't want to rush and do this because if I did, then what I would have to say would not make any sense. (Also, I am half tired right now, so my brain is only half functioning)
Let's get down to business!
I like your opening alot, dear. The only thing about it I would suggest is sticking a little phrase like, "With your," on to the beginning so that it doesn't sound fragmented? It's not necessary, but I just thought it would give the poem a bit more of a steady pace/flow.
Okay, judging from the last few stanzas, I'm guessing that this is from a guy's point of view? I couldn't have guessed that from the previous lines... in a way it sounded very girly. That's NOT a bad thing, at all. It's just, when voicing characters it's important to pay close attention to the words that set the tone. Some words are of masculine and feminine gender and I think that the feminine ones dominated this poem. *is geeky*
Anyway, moving on!
I really liked it! You captured youth and love perfectly in this poem. It just flooded over with emotion, and had a faint hint of regret towards the end.
I like how complete your stanzas are. Sometimes people write poems and the stanzas feel incomplete and hole-y. Yours-- in this poem-- do not. They seem strong and well written enough to be able to stand alone without leaving the reader in a quizzical state.
You did a brilliant job, my dear. Your imagery was vivid; I loved it. Your word play was very subtle, but dramatic; I loved that, too.
On the whole, it was very, very sweet. You did an amazing job with this poem. Good job!
Keep it up. Sorry I wasn't much help with constructive-ness
10/10!
June
This doesnt fit here it interupts the flow of the poem.
I thought it to be well written but you try to hard to make it rythme. Im sorry this is such a short review but I did like it
Good job!
~Tiffany
Okay, the end threw me for a loop. Is the narrator a girl or a boy? I just assumed that, since you're a girl, this narator was. But you never really mention it before that last bit. It might be wise to clarify on that point before assuming your readers know what you're talking about.
Besides that, I thought this was (wait for it!) very sweet. You're probably very tired of that word, but it's so soft and gentle that there's nothing else to really describe it! Lavender Eyes is a good title to use.
Also, at the beginning, you say 'what we have'. But then, at the end you say you lost it. So, shouldn't it be 'what we had'? where might be other tense mix-ups concerning the whole losing love thing. I didn't quite realize they had split up until the last line.
And I'm not going to say that this is good for you writing this when you were an eleven year old, because I'm only twelve and I hate it when people say that. But, I will say I liked it as a poem. It was...
Sweet.
~Evi
Hey, I really liked that.
It had a very nice balance of longing and youthful innocence. And getting that balance is hard to do sometimes. So congratulations on that!
When I was reading the first two stanza, a big flash a de ja vu hit me. Don't worry, I've never read this poem before, though it did seem kind of familiar. I don't know if any of you others feel this way too, but the first two stanza kind of remind me of a Jonas Brothers song. I don't know why, though. Maybe it's just me.
Good job! Keep on writing!
Thank you for that ^^ I can't believe I missed that xD I must've been typing fast. I did type this late at night though >< So maybe I shouldn't be surprised I messed up.
This is very good! You did spell "dream" as "dram" in the second to last stanza though.