The Damage of Reality

EVery damn detailed have been pointed out!
LOL Hey I'm Kat! I was going to review, but someone stole my words away...
I liked this. the beggining reminded me of Mariah Carey's song, Bye Bye.
Sorry, that's all I can say. i did enjoyed reading this piece

*Kat*

^_^ Not an expert on poetry, so hopefully this can prove to be a little helpful, and if not, my apologies!

Do you know the real damage you have done?

Leaving them here,

while you tried to run.

The trouble you've caused them

will never fade away.

It's tattooed on their hearts,

and forever is to stay.

You thought doing it* would erase your problems,

but it only made them worse.

You've done something eternal in your life,

and it cannot be reversed.

Here at last!

Overall- I found this a little hard to understand. You're telling a story, yes, but what you are talking about isn't that clear. I don't see how the title fits in with everything. Also, who/what is the POV? If it from the people they have hurt, or the people who are hurting?

The individual lines however are very nice. I particularly liked this one:

For it was not you they hated,
but the sharp blade in your hand.

Well, I am not an expert at poetry but the beginning two paragraphs kind of off-ed the beat a little. I feel like you could do better with them, especially the first paragraph with the brothers and sisters, ect. I think you need to find a more powerful beginning line.

However, I felt the last paragraph was beautifully written, especially the last line. I thought you did wonderful with that =]

Just keep on tweaking the beginning and it’ll slowly improve

Also, the title, I felt you should somehow incorporate it in there because when I first read the title, I thought I would be about something totally different. But as I read, I think it does fit but I think you should put more emphasis on it, you know?

Otherwise, I thought it was a good piece

Hey Shina!

You already got some good reviews, so I'm just going to talk about the content. I liked it, a lot. It had a message and it was powerful and you didn't stress the rhymes. I liked the last stanza because it tied the whole theme together and it ended this nicely. You're a really good poet and if you keep your poems flowing and meaningful, I think that others will too.


Thanks for the read and keep writing,

~Angel

Hey angels_symphony,

Here I am again, haha.

I just love helping you out, anytimes, anywhere!

Anyways, you replaced wicked with eternal.
I didn't like that.
I thought it was a boo-boo.
Maybe a turn in the wrong direction even.
Sometimes, it can be difficult to find a good word but you gotta search and search to find the one that describes the motion.

"Eternal" really wasn't what the reader is looking for here.
It sounds awkward and flimsy, but other than that I saw no other problems.
A good little piece here

Hi symphony! Of course I'll review this!

Your mother, your father,

Your sister, your brother,

your aunts, your uncles,

and all the others.

Good opening, makes me want to read more. This shows you don't need fancy metaphors to make it interesting.



Do you know the real damage you have done? I don't know what the narrator's tone is, but you could think whether "Don't you know" would fit better. I just want to point out something you may not have thought about. Leave it this way if it's the right one for you.

Leaving them here,

while you tried to run. Uh... why the bold? If you want to emphasize the word, rather put it in italics.



The trouble you've caused them, no comma

will never fade away.

It's tattooed on their hearts, I like this metaphor.

and is forever to stay.

Slightly plain, with the common words "trouble" and "forever", but the metaphor in the middle saves this stanza.



You thought doing it would solve all your problems, I think this is too long and it breaks the flow. Maybe ditch "doing" and "all", or then completely reword.

but really it only made them worse. Is the "really" really relevant here?

You've done something eternal in your life, "Eternal" doesn't seem like the best word here. Then again, remembering the context and what the eternal thing he's done probably is, it's actually quite clever!

and it cannot be reversed. Works quite fine, I think.



You thought you were the conflict, Ah! Nice!

but they knew that wasn't true. I'm a little torn about the vague "they", but maybe it's good this way.

Look what your tiny struggle Why was it tiny? I think the stanza could work without the "tiny", but if you feel it's very important, then keep it.

has destined you to do. Alright.



You should've just faced them.

They could've tried to understand. I don't really care for the abbreviations "could've" and "should've" in a poem. It also makes this a little tongue twistery. But I can't come up with anything that wouldn't ruin the flow and rhyming.

For it was not you they hated,

but the sharp blade in your hand. An okay, quite effective ending.

Your mother, your father,

Your sister, your brother,

your aunts, your uncles,

and all the others. For some reason the rhythm of this last line doesn't click for me. I may be reading it wrong. Interesting opening over all though



Do you know the real damage you have done?

Leaving them here,

while you tried to run.



The trouble you've caused them,

will never fade away.

It's tattooed on their hearts,

and is forever to stay. Funky wording on this line... I'm not sure how to go about fixing it though



You thought doing it would solve all your problems,

but really it only made them worse.

You've done something eternal in your life,

and it cannot be reversed.



You thought you were the conflict,

but they knew that wasn't true.

Look what your tiny struggle

has destined you to do. I ADORE this stanza. It's amazing and makes the poem for me,



You should've just faced them.

They could've tried to understand.

For it was not you they hated,

but the sharp blade in your hand.

Thank you everyone for your honest reviews ^^ My attempt at poetry wasn't as bad as I thought it was. I hope you noticed each time you add something I should change, I change it by the time the next reviewer comes along. Thank you again for your reviews!

Sweet ending!
I mean sweet in the slang term for good, not that the ending was literally sweet haha. Sometimes it's hard to tell what I mean online xD.

Anyways, on to the crit you requested me to do.

Your mother, your father,

Your sister, your brother,

your aunts, your uncles,

and all the others.

[this is a pretty good beginning ]


Do you know the real damage you have done?

Leaving them here,

while you tried to run.




The trouble you've caused them,

will never go away.

It's tattooed on their hearts,

and is now forever to stay. [you don't need now in this line]



You thought doing it would solve all your problems,

but really it only made them worse.

You did something wicked in your life,

and it cannot be reversed.

and this line soundss rehearsed!!
from something wicked to reveresed, I just don't like the sound of it. It's unnatural and the rhyme seems forced.



You thought you were the conflict,

but they knew that wasn't true.

Look what your tiny struggle

has destined you to do. [very nice stanza here, especially the last two lines]



You should've just faced them.

They could've tried to understand

For it was not you they hated,

but the sharp blade in your hand.

Overall: Good job with the words. I didn't sense much imagery in this piece but sometimes poetry isn't about that. Sometimes the words are strong enough so that pictures will be going off in the minds of the listeners or readers anyways. I felt you did that very well in this piece. Especially at the end, that was a good twist to the tale. It leaves me using my imagination because I don't what happened to the character. Also, I can connect because sometimes I do have a really rocky relationship with my parents and occasionally it gets this bad. Great story. Universal theme. I like it quite a bit.
8.5/10

I love the title. I thought the poetry was swell, especially the last part. I did have a few problems though...

Your mother, your father,
Your sister, your brother,
your aunts, your uncles,
and all the others.

I liked that opening. It was original.

Do you know the real damage you have done? I think you should rephrase it so it's not a question.
Leaving them here,
while you tried to run.

The trouble you've caused them,
will never go away. Instead of go, I would use fade
It's tattooed on their hearts,
and is now forever to stay.

You thought doing it would solve all your problems,
but really it only made them worse.
You did something wicked in your life, Suicide isn't really wicked, so I would consider changing that.
and it cannot be reversed.

You thought you were the conflict,
but they knew that wasn't true.
Look what your tiny struggle
has destined you to do.

You should've just faced them.
They could've tried to understand.
For it was not you they hated,
but the sharp blade in your hand. I absolutely loved that last line.

Hey Symph! June here again to tear up another piece of work. I'm vicious.

You've got a great rhythm going here; I love it. I can totally see this recited at some poetry slam or something.

Your stanzas are good; you have a slight drag in the first line, and that staggers the feel of the poem a bit.

The words "and" and "but" are filler words. They don't have much of a meaning and are scarcely necessary in poetry. With a little bit of line reconstruction, you can totally give the reader the same effect without the usage of "blank words."

Watch your enjambment! (Pardon my usage of big words, enjambment is simply the running over of a sentence from one line to the next) it has to fit. Like this:

The dog bathes in the sunlight filtering through the porch door screen.

When using enjambment, you have to put your breaks in a place where it will be effective.

The dog bathes in the
sunlight filtering through the porch screen door.

See? That's pretty much a lame way to structure it; so what I'm saying is to just keep an open eye on how you do it. You should be able to read it aloud and put half a break/pause there without it sounding awkward.

Again! Revise your poems by reading them aloud. Goodness knows that that's the best type of revision.


Lastly! Focus. I'm not saying you lost focus here, but pay attention to how it sounds. Focus on the direction it's going in; the way you speak, the way you write it... make sure it sounds right. Stanzas are puzzle pieces. They fit together to make a complete picture.


Great job here, Shina, incredible. This makes us think.


Keep it up.

Good job!
June

I love the way your poem definetly has rythum to it, (something that is close to impossible for me to accomplish) and the beginning of it was awesome:

Your mother, your father,
Your sister, your brother,
your aunts, your uncles,
your cousins and all the others.

Introducing all who the person you talking about is hurting, very creative! What I loved most was the way you ended it. Perfectly.

For it was not you they hated,
but the sharp blade in your hand.

After an entire few stanzas of guessing what this poem could've been about, you put their questions to rest in seven words. I enjoyed this and can't wait to see more!

Hey there AS! Stella here!

Your mother, your father,
Your sister, your brother,
your aunts, your uncles,
your cousins and all the others.

and is now forever to stay.

You should've just faced them.
They can try understand.

For it was not you they hated,
but the sharp blade in your hand.

Heya angels-symphony and welcome to YWS!

Ok, so, review! Right, a few nitpicks and one idea which you can discard if you think it's a bad one: this poem may work equally as effectively as lyrics - especially if there's a beat to go with it. I don't know, just a thought that went through my mind when I read it. XD

and and is now forever to stay.

They would've understand.