Young Writers Society

Get yourself some better insults
Because with “geek” you’re a bit late.

GoldenQuill wrote:Hey there. I'm Aushy, and I'll be reviewing your poem today.

I really enjoyed that. You certainly have a way with words.
But certaintly you didn't post this up just to hear postive remarks?
So, it's all flowly and nice and beautiful and then...

Fine then,

Smash them,

Destroy them.

Shatter them to pieces.



It doesn’t matter.

I’m not an idiot lacking common sense.

I’ll be frank and just say it

I’ll spare you the suspense.



You’re all damn bullies

Stupid, moronic jerks.

Take those stupid looks off your faces.

I don’t want to see your foolish smirks.



You’ve all caused me enough pain

So the least you could do is shut up.

Zip your lips and move onto to another kid.

Or better, lend a hand rather than remain corrupt.

It doesn't flow anymore. the words still rythmn, but you just curse them out too much.
For example:
I'm not an idiot lacking common sense...
Wow. Wayyyy to long. It rythmns, but doesn't flow. Try cutting it down, rewording it, or simply making another idea.

Again, this peice was great. Just work with the word flow.

Wow. This is exactly the kind of thing I'd like to tell some of the people who go to my school, and exactly the kind of thing every kid would like to tell whoever bullies them. (And yes, every kid DOES have someone who knocks them down and tells them they are worthless, whether they are a bully or the nerdy kid that lives down the street.) I even want to tell my inner critic something along these lines every once in a while. Anyway, some things I would change are,
1. Don't cuss so much. We understand that you are angry. A few cuss words will work just fine.
2. You might reference the glasses again at the end. Maybe something symbolic like taping them back together and putting them back on would work. Just a sugestion.
That's about it. Great job otherwise. This was very symbolic and easy to relate to.

Hey there. I'm Aushy, and I'll be reviewing your poem today.

I really enjoyed that. You certainly have a way with words.
But certaintly you didn't post this up just to hear postive remarks?
So, it's all flowly and nice and beautiful and then...

Fine then,

Smash them,

Destroy them.

Shatter them to pieces.



It doesn’t matter.

I’m not an idiot lacking common sense.

I’ll be frank and just say it

I’ll spare you the suspense.



You’re all damn bullies

Stupid, moronic jerks.

Take those stupid looks off your faces.

I don’t want to see your foolish smirks.



You’ve all caused me enough pain

So the least you could do is shut up.

Zip your lips and move onto to another kid.

Or better, lend a hand rather than remain corrupt.

Oh I really liked this and can totally relate. I don't have glasses, but I'm basically one of those people that isn't even on the social pyramid, much less on the bottom of it. I haven't been bullied that much, but I see how people act, and I know what they think of me and my friends. I've seen the people who aren't brave enough to say something to your face, but will stand in the corner and jeer.

Personal opinions aside, I thought this was good. I liked the idea (obviously), and the writing was good as well. I couldn't really find any of those little nit-picks everyone searches for. Wait, I lied, I do have one little thing. Some of your lines seemed noticeably longer than others. Or at least to me anyway. They didn't horribly throw off the flow, but they were a but distracting. Kinda like just a little ringing noise in your ear (yes, I know, I have weird analogies). Other than that however, great job! Gold star!