I am a dreamer,
A resident of my fantasies.
This world I create
Is one of my own.
I can alter its future,
And change what I like.
For its destiny
Is what I wish for it to be.
If only I could live in this world,
This world of my dreams.
Where everything
Is what I wish.
Where no one ever dies,
Where no one ever suffers.
This is my world,
The world of my fancies.
The world where
My heart is free to be
As it pleases.
This pleasure,
Is the beauty of the human mind.
To dream whatever I want to dream.
My fantasies
Are my castles in the sky.
But this dream
Is only in my mind.
It exists only where
I allow it to exist.
When someone tells me,
That I can’t dream all day
Because that world isn’t real,
I’ll take there advice this time.
Because the world of my fancies
Will only exist in my mind,
Until I set it free…
Second poem I have not enough points for:
Imagine a your heart,
Steadily beating,
Continuing without a doubt
Of its destiny.
A light pounding,
A medium tempo.
This is your heart beat.
Now imagine your heart again,
But this time it’s pulsing.
Throbbing in your chest.
It’s tempo has quickened,
It’s color has darkened
And become a dark red,
Dark as blood.
And now
Every time you see,
That person,
It begins to beat faster
And faster.
That person,
Makes your temperature rise.
Your heart continues to beat,
Like a pounding bongo drum.
And your stomach,
Begins to flutter,
And you feel like you’re flying.
Well guess what?
You’re in love.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hey there! I'm Kat, nice to meet you! I was gonna say welcome to YWS but it seems you're here for awhile behind, but still Welcome!
On to the review!
The first poem:
I really like your topic. But as has been mention above the imagery is a little weak. I agree with Fand about the two first stanzas. it actually is a bit confusing when put in that way.
The wording is good, and it has a nice marked flow, which is really good.
Love the ending.
Second poem:
This one isn't bad either, but it isn't as good as the first one (at least, in my opinion).
I like the concept you used to talk about love. People almost never mention the "simptoms2 of falling in love. Like hands sweating, how people get so nervous, and so on. The imagery is good. As for grammar, I didn't find anything wrong. I love the ending on this one too.
I don't have anything more to say...
Well, keep writing!
*Kat*
[I've run out of time, unexpectedly, and shall only be critiquing the first poem. Apologies!]
Poem #1
I like the idea behind these; the malleability of dreams and the future always makes for fertile ground, particularly for poets. Your execution, though, is lacking a bit. Don't get me wrong--what you have here is a fine little poem, and I'm sure you'd get a good grade on it if you were handing it in for a middle/high school class. But it's not even close to what it could be.
1. - Remember your imagery! The possibilities are endless when dealing with dreams; you can litter your poem with symbols, with significant images, with the surreal and the absurd. You have a free pass here--why not use it? As it is, you really only have one significant image--the "castles in the sky"--and it's a cliche. Try to show us, instead of telling us.
How? Well, you talk about changing your dreams; so change them, rather then telling us about how you could if you wanted to. Be active, not passive!
2. At the beginning of the second stanza, you reverse what you say in the first. In the first, you are in your dream world, you live there, it's a physical place. In the second, you say you wish you could live there. This kind of turn is actually a very common, effective literary manoeuvre called a "volta." You can see them at their most prolific in Shakespeare's sonnets, where he spends (usually, at least) the first 6-12 lines to establish something before completely reversing it. Generally speaking, the volta is more effective when it comes towards the end of the poem; you have your volta at the beginning of the second stanza. I'd recommend rearranging your stanzas to pop that in at the end.