I trusted you
You broke my heart.
I should’ve known you’d do this to me.
I should’ve seen it coming.
I did see this coming.
But I shoved it aside.
Because I trusted you.
You told me you loved me
But all I heard were lies
Why I believed you?
I’m not sure.
Maybe I was, caught in the moment.
You made me feel.
You made me see.
You showed me your world
And you opened your arms to me
How could I feel anything but welcome?
But why didn’t you tell me
That you didn’t want me?
That I was just a mere player in a game you play?
I was the innocent pray,
While you were the hunter.
You knew
The best way to destroy someone
Is to take them down from the inside.
Well you did it.
You destroyed me.
You brought me into a glass castle
And left me blinded by the beauty you brought into my life.
I couldn’t see how fragile it all was.
Living in glass.
Being held captive in glass.
I should’ve escaped while I could’ve.
But you brought me in too deep.
It’s not your fault I fell for it.
It’s not your fault I fell for those
Beautiful gray eyes.
But you said you cared.
You lied to me.
You said I was your everything,
That you’d give me your all.
That was a lie.
All that remains in my life now is the broken shards of glass that remain lodged in my skin.
A reminder, of how fragile one can be
When they love someone….
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In this first stanza you say the same thing, in several different ways. I could break this down to one line easily. Where is the imaginary? Where is the passion? Why did you trust them? How did they break that trust? How did you see it coming? We as readers need more.
The things I put in bold are words that you repeat often, and not in a positive way. Try checking out the Thesaurus to find some inspiring new words. It's a great reference when you are at a loss for words, and find that you are repeating yourself.
Again, I see what you are saying, but I feel none of it. Make me feel your pain, don't tell me about it. Tell me how your stomach knotted every time he said the words, because you knew they weren't true. Tell me what it feels like! Right now I can't see any passion in this, it feels like a list of things that he did. Try painting a picture. Think of a specific time that he said it, what did his face say? How did his voice sound? What did you feel? Were you excited that he said it? Were you hurt because you knew it was a lie?
Tell me how, what did he do that convinced you to feel? What did you see? These lines are so very... meh. I can't feel, I can't see, so why do I care?
This metaphore has been used a lot, in countless different ways countless different times. Point? It's old. Try to find something in your own mind that has not been used before, something no one would have thought of that makes them think... hmm. You can even use the same concept of predator/prey. You just have to tweek it and make it new.
Again the repetition here is doing nothing to add to your work, it's distracting.
Here you get into a little more description, I like the idea of the glass castle, although once again the repetion of "glass" adds little. This part here has a lot more potential than the above. I would love to see you build off of this idea.
Hope this helps
OverEasy
What I liked most about this poem, was that it's long. I don't like long poems, but I have a problem with making mine long. *chuckles*
Make changes as you wish. But don't change the name. I admire the title.
I thought it was pretty good for a beginner. It was easy to relate to and beautiful. Keep up the good work!
Well, I thought I'd do this one as well. Very different from your other poem, but not bad at all.
Some little things.
I liked this.
prey, not pray
This is so long, can't you break it up into more than one line?
Overall, I enjoyed this one as well. You experiment with imagery and you do very well. You also manage with shape. It's very carefully constructed and it really shows. Your language is simple and you manage to convey what you want to say really well.
I'm not great at poetry, but again, I really like this. You should write more poetry, I'm clearly a fan.
Sorry I couldn't be of more help,
-Stella.
Hello!
I just wanted to give you a few ideas.]
I really enjoyed the imagery in this piece. It was beautiful, the whole idea of living in a glass castle and then suddenly it all came tumbling down. I can sense that this was very personal, however - and I really don't mean to put you down I'm just giving my honest opinions, It was all a little too plain for me.
Especially the hook. You HAVE TO, it's absolutely key to have a wonderful and catchy hook to keep your reader interested. I don't feel you have done that here.
Also, you don't need to begin every line with a capital!!
You can, if you choose to but here.. I didn't think you should have. It felt all wrong.
I need to talk to you also about the structure of your poems. It was just soo bland for me. There were no exciting licks or twists, it was all very formatted. I felt you could have done so much more with this wonderful idea but you were weighed down by the common practises, in turn, making your poem less interesting.
Below, I'll copy your poem and add some things I might have done:
I trusted YOU
You b r o k e my heart
I should’ve known you’d do this to me
I should’ve seen it coming
but wait, I did see this coming
I just shoved it aside
because I trusted you.
YOU told me YOU loved me
all I heard were lies
Why I believed you? [this line sounds a bit awkward... I don't exactly know why, it just doesn't flow right. I might change it to something like "Why did I believe you?"]
I’m not sure.
maybe I was[comma not needed] caught up in the moment
You made me feel.
You made me see.
[the above were both two great lines, but I wanted an expansion on them. How did he make you feel? What did he make you see?]
YOU showed me your world
And you opened your arms to me
How could I feel anything but welcome?
[you use the word but a lot so i took it out here] why didn’t you tell me
That you didn’t want me?
That I was just a mere [another desciptive, hate-filled word sure would go great here] player in a game you play?
I was the innocent prey[typo I guess, it's prey not pray]
YOU were the hunter.
YOU knew
the best way to destroy someone
Is to take them down from the inside.
YOU did it.
YOU destroyed me.
You brought me into a glass castle
And left me blinded by the beauty you brought into my life. [I really am not liking the way these two lines sound at all right about now, but I'll leave it for you to figure out on your own, as well as the rest of the poem
I couldn’t see how fragile it all was.
Living in glass.
Being held captive in glass.
I should’ve escaped while I could’ve.
But you brought me in too deep.
It’s not your fault I fell for it.
It’s not your fault I fell for those
Beautiful gray eyes.
But you said you cared.
You lied to me.
You said I was your everything,
That you’d give me your all.
That was a lie.
All that remains in my life now is the broken shards of glass that remain lodged in my skin.
A reminder of how fragile one can be
When they love someone….
Overall: Watch your use of commas and puncuation. Look over the examples I have provided in you and NEVER be afraid to let your creativity get the best of you! I know sometimes it can be scary to post on here and hear random strangers opinions, but sometimes it is all the more worth it and I consider every person on here either really brave, or just plain cocky. Again, the images you use are great, I just need some expansion especially towards the beginning of the poem. That's really boring! No offense, but it needs a really good hook to work. The ending is great too. It made me think of anime the whole time, are you into all that stuff? Anyways, feel free to contact me for any more help and/or questions or reviews. Thanks, Tamara.
7.5/10
Okay! So! This needs work. On the whole it was good. It's not very original, however. A poem about a girl after a breakup using the "you message"-- it's pretty much often done. However, that doesn't mean that this is bad.
I think that this would be perfectly written as a Sonnet. It would have to rhyme then, but, often a question is raised in the first part, and answered in the second, so that's why I said that.
To speak, I think that this needed a skeleton. It needed a bit of structure to lean on. For now, it's a bit too free-form. Your line lengths change; your speech tone changes, and you begin questioning. It's kind of an iffy poem at that.
Repetition in a poem has to be done well. The usage of refrain is good; refrain is simply the repetition of a certain phrase or word to remind of a point. If you were going for the rhythmic effect, then maybe that would be good. Since you weren't I suggest dropping it.
On the whole, Shina, it had good potential. It wasn't bad; it just needed something to follow.
I understand you're much more of a story-writer than a poet, but I say, don't give up. You must keep writing. I'm sure you have it in you. You just need to find it
Great job. Keep it up!
June
I quite liked this poem, but I wasn't sure what to make of the structure. It seemed a bit all over the place - which doesn't have to be a bad thing, but I don't see how a broken structure would compliment this poem. Having said that, I think it would have been good if you had a much clearer structure, but with a break in there somewhere, because then the structure would be fragile. I don't know if anyone would agree with me on that, though.
Usually it's best to put commas at the end of lines which don't end with a full stop. It's okay to make exceptions but, again, I don't see any reason for the lack of commas. As it is, the reader basically carries on reading, without pausing, for several lines until the odd punctuation mark, so it can be quite tiring.
I don't know why, but I especially liked these lines:
"It’s not your fault I fell for those
Beautiful gray eyes."
I guess it's probably because the "Beautiful gray eyes" part stood out.
Finally, one small spelling mistake-"pray" should be "prey" (unless it's an American spelling variant that I wasn't aware of, like "gray" instead of the British "grey").
Anyway, this was good, so keep it up!
Thank you for reviewing my poem xD I'm not exactly poetic, I'm more of a story writer and I was hoping to get better at poetry. Thank you for your advice! I'll keep fixing this one until it's as close to a poem as possible. Do you think you could also review the first few chapters of my story? Just go to my profile and select Angel's Symphony.
Helllo and welcome to the YWS! If you have any questions about the site or need help finding something feel free to message me.
I thought this stanza was the best:
This is the actual poetic part of it. The rest of it is telling, or rather speaker, to whoever "you" is. But this stanza actually makes the emotions concrete. The glass castle is a lovely metaphor and I think you should expand it, and instead of just mentioning it, write your whole poem around that metaphor.
It was a really long poem and didn't say an awful lot for the length. The ideas are there: You loved someone, they hurt you. This is a basic idea, but that's okay, because people can relate to basic ideas. The problem is it's also a cliche idea. Thankful, representing it as a glass castle makes it unique, which is another reason I think you should hold tight to that piece.
Even though people can relate to the idea, your poem makes it hard for me to relate. You just talk about what happened, what you should have done, but you don't show anything and you don't open the emotions and ideas to the reader. You need to let them connect with the reader. This is a really hard thing to figure out how to do at first, and my best suggestion would be to read poetry so you can see it in action. Some of my favorites are T.S. Elliot, Emily Dickinson, and Ezra Pound.
Try to make the idea and emotions into something relatable, tangible. Connect them with imagery of the senses (not just sight!), use descriptions to show how things happen instead of simply telling them.
I hope that made sense and helped! If you have any questions feel free to ask. Best of luck!