The Person I've Been Watching

Hey Shina, no worries about inactivity. ^^ I haven't been on much because of insane loads of homework, and everyone starting school understands.

Now, I actually didn't like this poem. You know how in that example-welcome you posted, you put me as the smiley with the whip? ~_^ Well, yes. You were right on. And I apologize in advance for the following review. >_> Ahem. Yes.

Firstly, there's nothing really poetic about what you have here. You managed to add some formatting-- although I think you forgot to seperate stanzas, or New YWS forgets spaces?-- and I guess you have one or two nice phrases, like 'the pain of desire leaking from her sides'.

Typo, though:

And your gaze burns a whole through my chest.

But!

whole = "I am going to devour this whole pie!"

hole = "Oh, let's dig a large hole!"

Also, um, a tiny remark that I'm a little embarrassed about pointing out...

It says his gaze is burning a hole through your chest, and, well, that seems to insinuate that the guy is staring intently at your...well...chest. >_> Perhaps spare readers the awkward questions and put 'heart' instead of 'chest'? xD

Alright, moving on!

Anyway, like I said, you have taken about zero liberties with your poetic license. There's practically no apparent rhythm. Now, of course free form is great-- but I can't help but feel like the poem you have here is more a hormonal, love-struck teenager girl gushing about an artificial crush. I know this is stemmed from personal experience, so please don't take offense with that, I'm just critiquing the work. >_>

For example:

And you’re not such a hot actor.

This modern lingo ("hot") makes your narrator seem immature and shallow. You could rewrite this sentence with a lot more emotional depth, which is rather lacking thus far in the piece. You don't really have any metaphors that stretch beyond the rather cliched teenage love symptoms, and I found myself skipping ahead in the poem just to see if it changed any-- which, I'm sorry to say, it didn't.

So, firstly-- add some imagery, love. ^^ Striking phrases and images that stick with readers are what make poems interesting, so don't abandon them! I think it is a really nice idea for a poem, however; which brings me to my second point! =D

You lost me right here, when I read through this the first time.

Then why don’t you assist another girl?
Perhaps the one who’s silently had her eye on you;
The one who’s always been your friend.

I thought, initially, that this is the narrator referring to herself. Like she'd starting talking about herself in third-person, about how she wants the guy-- in this case, the "you" that the narrator is talking to --to notice her. But then I realized (with the help of a second-read through and the next paragraph that she's talking about an entirely different girl. One who actually does like the guy.

So, yes, you might want to clarify this. ^^ Because as of now, the introduction of this second girl goes too unnoticed. You'll want to being the stanza with her entry into the love triangle.

Also, as far as "your" (the narrator's) feelings for this guy-- am I right in the impression that she doesn't actually like him? Or love him, or want him, or anything? That she'd rather he be with this other girl, who's obviously envious that the guy loves the narrator instead of her?

...



If that's the case, you have some loose thread the weave tighter. Right now I got a very faded picture of the relationships being depicted there, and up until the second or third read-through I thought that the narrator liked the guy she's talking about. The title makes it seem that way, too-- like she's watching him out of interest. But, according to how you explain it, it's actually him who's watching her, and she just notices his gaze. Right?

So, all in all, this could use some tightening up. ^_^ You've got a great love conundrum to work with-- especially by choosing the viewpoint of the girl who isn't yearning for the relationship instead of the girl green with envy-- and I think this could be a great poem if you added some imagery, metaphors, and deeper emotion than the frilly teenage stuff you have here. Lastly, clarify your characters relationships before trying to have too much going on at once. (Because, in the end, you suggest that the narrator is trying to get the guy who's in love with her to realize that another girl is in love with him?) It just gets a bit confusing.

PM me for anything, and good job! ~_^

~Evi

EDIT: I started this crit before you edited the formatting and then had to go to dinner, so ignore any points I made about the formatting.