BadBoy
So cold you seem,
So harsh you appear,
But it's all an act,
a cover,
a show.
The words you speak
are all just lies,
and the masquerade you perform
is just a disguise.
Let your body do the talking.
Your actions are much stronger
than your words.
Your cruel words,
form tears in my eyes
and make my heart ache.
But your loving and gentle actions,
tell me it's all fake.
You do it to protect me
and it stabs me like a dart.
But you are what you are,
a bad boy at heart.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,471 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
What series is this from? Is it vampire knight? because it reminds me of Zero. please please please tell me!
I Really Liked This ^^
Structure is fantastic.
Vocab. is brill.
Nothing Bad To Say At All!^^
x
Hola Shina! I'm back!
So! Basically, this is a work in progress, and I totally love the way it's progressing. Let's just point out a few things that are slightly iffy right now:
In the lines/stanzas before this, you're using the "you" message. You're like, forcing your words upon "him" in using the "you message" but then here, you're like... going too soft. It's like, instead of continuing, you're differing here by changing the wording to "let"-- and then, that brings these last two lines to sound fragmented
*
Let's take a look at this:
(You can stab me for being so strict with rules
• By using a period in the "lone line" you're bringing us to a full stop, and you shouldn't.
In poetry, a comma is a half stop-- meaning that it's a pause or a slight turn in the way that something is going.
A semicolon is your 3/4 of a stop. It can change something, but still connect to what came before.
But! The period is a full stop. That's when you give us something fresh, and unconnected or begin a new sentence.
Aaaand, the space between that line and the stanza is giving it an "awkward hang".
• Also! Don't use the word "they". You're basically just filling in space with that word, and if you don't bring us to a full stop with the period before hand, and use a comma (or nothing at all) then you don't even need "they".
*
June
Hey Shina!
As a whole I liked this. There was only one thing I can nit-pick about but really it's just a suggestion.
I think you should switch harsh with cold because how can someone appear cold? Besides, I think it would sound better this way:
What do you think?
Oh and you really don't need these two lines. It just messed up the flow for me.
Favorite stanza:
I really like this part. It's a good addition to the poem.
All in all, keep writing poetry, you're good at it,
~Angel
This was a really good poem, and I didn't have any nitpicks that hadn't been covered by the other reviewers. It's one of my new favorites and excellent job. Gold star!
fluteluvr77<3
Hey there, Shina! June again
.
. Mwaha.
Everyone has gotten to this before me! They've touched on everything that could be fixed.
There isn't much to say about this, really! I believe everyone has said anything that I would have said, but, let me ask you:
What is the reader supposed to base this upon? How do we relate to this "cover"? Are you telling us enough in this to make us believe that there is a sustainable message behind this? What can we learn and benefit from this?
Can you give your readers a little more? Can you write an action in the invisible words that lurk between the lines that will make the readers understand this "bad boy" more?
Also! Like Hannah pointed out, pay attention to your resolution! At the beginning, you have us assuming that he is good, masking all of his goodness underneath badness so that you stay protected, but! As we come to the resolution, we're contradicted! You, as the author, have the freedom to contradict us, but, there's something about it that seems a bit... off?
On the whole, it was an amazingly refreshing read! The rhyme scheme was very nice and unforced (great job!) and I just wanted to press your brains by asking a bunch of questions
Great job, dear. Amazingly well done!
June
Wow I really like this one. Nice rythming technic and good topic! its very relatable.
Nice visualization here its really a set the tone picture
A little off que. Umm everyone dies? a little too dramatic for this piece.
It gets confusing here you were saying his actions spoke louder than his words but than his words are so cruel that they make you get emotional as well.... pivk one maybe?
So are his actions mean or loving? gentle or harsh?
Nice ending
Overall I liked this piece very much. Once again awesome job
~Tiffany
I like this a lot but you shouldn't have used the word seem twice within the first couple lines. It take away from the poems potential but other than that great job!
I really like the premise of the poem, and your rhyming works
But to me, it's a but unconsistent
When your doing your stanzas, keep sort of a pattern going, otherwise your reader won't be able to understand what your trying to do
I kind of didn't
But it might just be me, I don't know
It has great potential though
It was really good, except for one minor detail: in the first two lines you used "seem" twice. Was that for effect?
Well, I find that when I give critiques, most of it is obviously my opinion! Everything that anyone says, you are free to disregard or to listen to -- it's all based on your judgment, since it's your writing, Shina! ^_^
Now~ Here are my comments on the poem! ^_^
For the first two lines, besides repetition, I'm thinking you might want to consider where you want the emphasis. Right now, it's about 'seeming' different things since you've placed 'seem' at the end of the line. I think, however, to get the reader focused more on the character of the person you're describing right from the get-go, you might want to change those lines to focus on the qualities 'harsh' and 'cold'. You'd do that by moving THEM to the end of the line; 'You seem so harsh/ You seem so cold'. That way, cold also kind of rhymes with show too! ^_^
Hmm, here I don't know that it keeps with the tone you had in the rest of the poem. Obviously, this is from the point of view of a girl that knows this 'bad boy' and I don't think she'd have that much control/familiarity with him as to TELL him what to do? Also, if his actions are stronger than his words, why is she stung by his words so much? If, as this poem shows, she sees through his cover, why is she still upset by him?
Hmm, I am wondering if the point of the poem is to say he's good at heart but acts bad or if he acts bad, acts good, and is still bad at heart? That last line should resolve everything, and if this is your resolution, then it leaves the conclusion as 'this guy is bad, no matter what he does'. ^_^ Just consider it~
I like this poem a bit, but I feel that if it had a definite message at the end, the rest might fall in to place.
-Hannah-
Thanks for the reviews again. Sorry , Evi and Rose. I didn't mean to sound mean xD It's just the whole standards and rules thing for writing is one of my pet peeves. I had a 4 page rant about it xD But I just prefer when people say "I suggest" rather than assuming they are right.
First of all, I looked at your reply to Rosey's critique. You really don't need to keep reminding everyone that it's not necessary to stick to rules and standards. We know that. Rosey was just giving you a review, like you asked me-- all reviews mention things that could be changed to be 'better'. There's no avoiding it, and no need to defend your work. She had every right to be confident with her opinions and her critique.
I like the ending, but it's a bit contradictive. You've been saying that he's really only a bad boy on the outside, and inside he's all mushy and protective and kind. But then you end by saying he's a bad boy at heart. See what I mean? I mean, technically it's no big deal, since we know what you mean. But I just thought I'd point that out.
So! This was also nice. The rhyming here was a lot more solid than in the others of yours I've critiqued so far, and I'm all for solid rhyming. Hope this was helpful!
Thank you for the reviews ^^
Hiya Angles! Here as requested!
These lines get really repetitive. I find the first two lines of a poem are the most important to hook a reader, and that they set the tone for the rest of the poem. Really make them sparkle!
I don't know the manga series you are talking about. For me, these lines aren't quite deep enough to convay much emotion.
I don't find these lines fit with the stanza you have put them in. They could stand to be on their own.
Put these lines all in their own stanza.
Surprisingly, this flows rather well. Because you are so consistant with the alternation between short and long lines your eye just follows along and isn't jolted out of the rhythm by a super-long line.
As for the guy you are talking about, personally I would avoid him from this poem. Maybe you should put more emphesis on his good points and not focus on how cruel he is to make more people fall in love with him. I actually knew a guy like this and I stopped talking to him because he was so harsh.
If you have any questions, PM me.
~Rosey
oooh
LOL
what's the series called?
Thanks for the review ^^ I really love the person I based this on too. He's from one of my favorite manga series and basically he seems like a bad boy on the outside and has to be cruel, mean, and heartless to protect the girl he loves. I love him so much xD
oooh I liked this alot!!!
)
(this guy sounds really hot
hey!! I rhymed!!! uh huh oh yea!
Soooo....anyways....this won't even count as a review, becaaaause, guess what? It's not!
There's nothing I can find to pick at...aka...this is one of my favorite poems!
Loved it, loved it, loved it!
well, I must go now
XoXo~AsH