(note: read this with rhythm.
Take the sun
And save tomorrow;
Bring the world to its knees.
Stand there waiting
Far from fading;
Save us, won’t you, please?
Overcome the darkest forces;
Fight for what is right.
Show the people
Your compassion;
Show them your kind heart.
Give them hope
And let them rise;
Reveal those clear blue skies.
Bring perspective
Back to your hometown,
Give them retrospect.
Play your music,
Boy, just do it;
Sing it all night long.
Silver gleaming,
Bright new feeling;
Purify those souls.
Ease their pain
And defend the believers;
Melt those hearts of stone.
Steal away the shadow of depression,
Light those smiles up.
Get their feet
Moving to the beat;
Let them bask out in the sun.
Bring out sunshine,
Throw them a rainbow;
And make their souls free.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,471 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
Hi.
This flows well overall, but it's jerky in parts, for example;
"Ease their pain
And defend the believers;
Melt those hearts of stone. "
I'd try reading it aloud so that you can get a better sense of how it sounds, and smooth it out accordingly. If you're interested in rhythm, I'd try reading some Langston Hughes-he's a master of rhythm, and definitely worth a look.
I'd also look at your rhyme, and make it regular; decide upon a pattern and stick to it-this will flow the better for it.
I'd steer clear of cliches like "hearts of stone". What I like to do sometimes with my own poetry once I've done a draft is to get a pen and cross out anything that sounds like something I've heard before. That way you're left with the good, original lines, and can come up with more to fill the new gaps.
The best advice I can give you is to read poetry.
Hope this helps.
Jas
hey hey hey, dogs here
i think that this is a beautiful poem. i truly enjoy reading all of your poems. this flows great and it sounds really good. unfortunately i can't find anything bad in this poem except for a few minor grammar errors.
in the fifth stanza you say "liven up that place" i think that it kinda just disrupts the poem and it kinda ruins it a bit for me. I am not quite sure what to say there but i am sure something other than that would make it sound better. and me personal i think that this sounds much better as a poem rather than a song.
apart from that i think that this is a great piece and i have no other suggestions
TuckEr EllsworTh
Hey Shina, I apologize for not actually reviewing this, but maybe it would fit better in the lyrics section then?