Young Writers Society

Dark and mysterious, I found it very interesting, you made it seem as though you were the angel of destiny or the grim reaper, this was something different, I got lost on the last couple of stanzas it seemed like you switched subjects some what,but that's not a bad thing! Very good! Can't wait for more!!

Amazing. This actually gave me the chills. Very much reminded me of the subject of the book I just finished. Very coincidental lol. Now*rubs hands together* down to business.
In a few stanzas, but only a few, your rhyming felt a BIT forced. The flow was great, but a few of your rhymes threw me off a bit. They just felt like you didn't say what you wanted to because you were "rooted" to the rhyme.

You all come to love life
and the lives of many others.
But the ending is the same
for you and for your brothers.

I am the dreaded monster
who feeds on human breath.
I am your destiny,
I am your fated death.

This is a really cool poem. The rhythm is even, which is something that I really look for in a poem. It should sound right when you read it out loud. Some people before me have already mentioned points and punctuation comments that I found while reading the poem, so I won't go into that.

Awesome job!

wow. very good. i liked it alot, deep, dark, but straight and to the point, very good.

I think that was a really good poem. Creepy, but in a good way (or is that even possible?) well if its not you just possible! Of course I don't really know much about poems (though i'm thinking about attempting a haiku) so I wouldn't rely on me. LOL

Hey Shina(mind if called like that?) I saw your poem until now,sorry. I was seeing your portfolio,and I found this one. I have to say i really like it, it's an interesting picture you gave me. Very gloomy, quite dark but I liked it. It was good poetry at least for me since I like this kind of poems. Your personification of death was cool. there were some things here and there but they were all pointed out already.

sorry, i read this til now
pudin

Hiya Shina! Here as promised.

So! I love this poem; even though the rhyming is quite strict I think you've pulled it off in many places and I also love the idea of Death's POV. Very nice. I do have a couple of comments though (obviously ):

One thing I noticed is that in the first line you refer to death as a person, and then you go on to say it (he, she, whatever) has a life (of deception) and basically, throughout the whole poem, it's given human traits. I find that a little bit weird because obviously...death isn't human? I mean, personification can be good, but I don't think it works here. Especially the life thing, because while death can't exist without life (it's like, you can't have short without tall or light without dark), death can't actually have a life because one of the fundamental things about life is that it begins and ends, which death doesn't. Because death does the ending...if you see what I mean.

Plus, this is in third person. So death is referring to itself as human. I feel like death would be watching all the puny humans and going "ha, ha, I am kept 'alive' by ending you!" or something; feeling superior, maybe. I feel like you almost touched on this in one stanza (forget which) but then didn't continue with it, which was a little disappointing.

So...that's why I sort of like Jessica's 'master of deception' suggestion.

The other thing I noticed is that the rhythm seemed a little off in places, but it might be just me, so I'll just say that you should read it again and maybe out loud; I'm sure you've done this a thousand times, but it never hurts.

Hope this helps!
xxx

Thanks everyone for your reviews ^^ Yeah, I'm aware of the tenses, and it was fixed. Maybe it just appeared wrong for you guys.

And now I shall do a comparison with my version and the version Jemimapuddleduck wanted. I'll explain the ups and downs of your version. Thanks for helping, though

I’m the person in the shadows
the one that no one knows.
Hidden by the darkness
dressed in simple peasant clothes.

I’m the person in the shadows;
the one that no one knows.
Hidden by the darkness,
dressed in simple peasant clothes.

You may not know of me
but I certainly know you. <--- the word "certainly" kills the whole shadow dark theme, and it's too many counts.
I move around discreetly
leaving not a single clue.

Shrouded by the shadows
I'm absorbing all the light. <-- darkness doesn't absorb light, then the darkness would become light. There can't be both light and dark in the same spot, one has to shrink while the other grows. And absorbing isn't a good word to use either because darkness doesn't want to eat light. It's not the Twitches world.
I incinerate your being,
yet you don't put up a fight.

Teardrops cloud your eyes <-- teardrops on your face don't cloud anything, because it's on your face. I used "tears" because tears are in your eyes, teardrops are on your face.
from my true reflection.
But this who I am, <--- okay, death is not "deception" death is death, no hiding that. It's death's job to deceive people, though. Which is why I put it.
a master of deception.

Killing is so easy <-- why is death being so casual? "so" is not the word fitting to the theme.
when I can turn your face pale white.
I am the curse fate forced upon you - <-- death is not a curse, it does not linger.
the creature of the night.

The words you may have called me
were used countless times before. <-- I'll admit I like countless ^^
This meager task is simple,
but it's still my evil chore.

I watch you in your love of life <-- not everyone is in "a love of life" some people kill themselves or live depressed lives, but later come to love life, or the life they've lived.
and the lives of others. <-- not enough counts
But the ending is identical <---sounds like you whooped out a thesaurus, which is not good
for you and for your brothers.

My life, in truth, is simple: <--- The tone is ruined with the words you used, and it looks like you're embellishing it, not good.
i live only to end yours. <-- eh, this version isn't so good. It took out the note that death was made to kill others' lives.
Rather than to open,
I am closing all your doors.

I am the dreaded monster
who feeds on human breath.
I am your destiny,
I am your fated death.

okay. I changed it a little but you don't have to listen to me


I’m the person in the shadows;

the one that no one knows.

Hidden by the darkness,

dressed in simple peasant clothes.


You may not know of me

but I certainly know you.

I move around discreetly

leaving not a single clue.


Shrouded by the shadows

I'm absorbing all the light.

I incinerate your being,

yet you don't put up a fight.


Teardrops cloud your eyes

from my true reflection.

But this who I am,

a master of deception.



Killing is so easy

when I can turn your face pale white.

I am the curse fate forced upon you -

the creature of the night.



The words you may have called me

were used countless times before.

This meager task is simple,

but it's still my evil chore.



I watch you in your love of life

and the lives of others.

But the ending is identical

for you and for your brothers.



My life, in truth, is simple:

i live only to end yours.

Rather than to open,

I am closing all your doors.



I am the dreaded monster

who feeds on human breath.

I am your destiny,

I am your fated death.

angels-symphony wrote:My attempt at poetry once more. I hope it's alright xD



Killing is fairly easy
when I can turn your face pale white.
I am the misfortune fate forced upon you,
The creature of the night.


I am the dreaded monster
who feeds on human breath.
I am your destiny,
I am your fated death.

OMG angels! that was SO SO SO good!

1 <3 u

Harsh. Joking I just wanted to see those smiles!

Uhh 1-10 I'd probally give this young lad a 8. It was decent. Describe to me what I am reading. Lol. Getting info from and 11 year old is quite okward.

Heyy! I love this poem...I wish I could write something like this..Anywayz, the only real thing that I saw that was wrong with this poem was that it kept switching between the tenses...Like,
the first stanza :

I’m the person in the shadows

the one that no one knows.

Hidden by the darkness

dressed in simple peasant clothes.

Tears clouded your eyes

from my true reflection.

But this is my duty,

my life of deception.

Shina
Kirsten here, to do the first of your eight prize reviews, lol. Anyway, seeing as this is meant to be long, indepth and actually good we better get started. (I'm talking about the review btw, not your poem. xD)

My attempt at poetry once more. I hope it's alright xD

Shina!

I am here! No doubt about that, of course. However, I am on a time crunch. I'm not sure how much I'll say before I have to bust out of here for school. But I read the poem, and I want to make my comments before I forget. xD

Grammar

Not much grammar as punctuation. There are commas and such you can play around with. Remember that commas are not used just for pauses. They are usually there for a reason. Such as the comma after yet comment -- I would disagree 'cause grammatically, that's incorrect. It would go before it if there was more sentence to it. xD So I would rid myself of that comma.

And poems aren't always capitalized in every line. However, with sing-song poems like you have here, it didn't bother me one bit.

Structure

I notice you start off as a lonely and creepy child in the shadows. Well, not necessarily a child, but a peasant. And then we jump to a monster. I think this works fine. It's sort of a surprise! because the beginning could go with either a lonely child or a monster. It's brilliant story-telling. The reader expects one thing, but something else results. It's pure genius, and you really did nothing wrong in that respect. In my opinion. ^^

Some of your stanzas felt a bit choppy, however. Like... you didn't know what to put there, so you went to Rhyme Zone, found a word that rhymes, and somehow put it in there so you can move on. xD *experience* I'm a musician, and I have an internal metronome. When there's a poem with a rhythm like this here, I can easily catch the glitches. It happens more around the middle verses though. Like:

Tears clouded your eyes
from my true reflection.
But this is my duty
my life of deception.

My life, to be honest
was made only to end yours.
Rather than to open,
I close all of your doors.

Hi Shina! Summer here!

Shrouded by the shadows

I take away the light.

I incinerate your being.

Yet you don't put up a fight.

Killing is fairly easy

when I can turn your face pale white.

I am the misfortune fate has forced upon you,

The creature of the night.

You all come to love life

and the many lives of others.

But the ending is the same

for you and for the others.

My life, to be honest

was made only to end yours.

Rather than • open,

I close all of your doors.

To me, it's still as good as the first time I read it. Really, I only ever nitpick on a poem when it needs it and this does not need anymore revision, it's good the way it is now. Sorry, if I wasn't of much help but I really really really like this poem, Shina.

Keep writing,

~Angel

Mad_Moo 25524 wrote:Hi there!
Most things here have already been picked up on, so I'll just let you know I thought this was really good. You have nice flow in writing, but the third stanza doesn't really seem to fit in that well compared to the rest. Apart from that, I really enjoyed this Well done.

Happy Writing!

-Moo

I really enjoyed this poem. I usually don't like rhyming poetry, I find it takes away from the poem, but in this case I found it soo fluid and think it worked well. The imagery was really good, and made me think about what the author was trying to say.

angels-symphony wrote:


Tears clouded your eyes
from my true reflection.
But this is my duty
my life of deception.

I like your poem a lot and I think you should continue writing poems.
Choosing a favorite part in your poem is not easy because every part is good
I guess mine is

My life, to be honest
was made only to end yours.
Rather than open,
I close all of your doors.

I have a problem with this verse

Shrouded by the shadows
I take away the light.
I incinerate your being.
Yet you don't put up a fight?

This verse contradicts the simplicity of your poem
I can't really seem to get your point.

I've already given your poem a gold star and I will love
to read more from you.

Hi there!
Most things here have already been picked up on, so I'll just let you know I thought this was really good. You have nice flow in writing, but the third stanza doesn't really seem to fit in that well compared to the rest. Apart from that, I really enjoyed this Well done.

Happy Writing!

-Moo

Angel of Death wrote:Hey there Shina!

I really liked this and it looks like all the nitpicks have been done, but really I don't see anything wrong with this. Usually, when I review a poem I have to go on about how the person who wrote it is letting rhyme eat up the meaning of the poem, when here, this was executed wonderfully and I was thinking about writing this fantasy romance type story with angels and demons and stuff and this really sounds like one of the characters, Hunter, so this really made me smile.

Hiya Shina! Here as requested!

Well, since you rip me apart for nit-picks, I'll just do some overall stuff:

Structure: I like the 2nd and 4th lines rhyming here. It's personally my favourite rhyming structure, and I find it works well for this style of poem. You haven't made things sound forced, which is nice, and the structure just adds something. Since the theme of the poem is more about endings, having the last line rhyme works nicely.

Consistency: You can be a bit inconsistent here. Namely, the second stanza. If you put another couplet somewhere near the end (ie- Another stanza with two lines that do not rhyme before the last stanza) then you have consistency in this poem, and those two lines won't stick out like sore thumbs.

Theme: I found the theme got a bit fuzzy after the couplet, since it seems to go from somebody who's lonely, to a monster, to a vampire and finally to death itself. I would suggest picking a more distinct thread in this, just so we aren't completely confuzzled about what this poem is about. Of course, that is simply my suggestion. You don't have to do it if you don't want.

So, that is what I noticed about this. Hope I helped!

If you have any questions, PM me.

~Rosey

Hey there Shina!

I really liked this and it looks like all the nitpicks have been done, but really I don't see anything wrong with this. Usually, when I review a poem I have to go on about how the person who wrote it is letting rhyme eat up the meaning of the poem, when here, this was executed wonderfully and I was thinking about writing this fantasy romance type story with angels and demons and stuff and this really sounds like one of the characters, Hunter, so this really made me smile.

Favorite stanzas:

You all come to love life
and the many lives of others.
But the ending is the same
for you and for the others.

My life, to be honest
was made only to end yours.
Rather than open,
I close all of your doors.

I am the dreaded monster
who feeds on human breath.
I am your destiny,
I am your fated death.

Hi angels!

I really have no knowledge of how to nit-pick poems, but I can say this: I thought it was brilliant!
It was more than "all right", no matter how much time it took to write! Haha. That rhymes in an odd way, just saying.

Hiya angels-symphony!

First of all I'd like to say you've got a great poem here, as June said, it's pretty but dark but you've definitely got a good balance of each going on here.

As for my favourite stanza, it had to be this one:

I’m the person in the shadows
The one no one knows.
Hidden by the darkness
Dressed in simple peasant clothes.

You may not know me
But I know of you.

Shrouded in dimness
I take away the light.
I incinerate your being
Yet you don’t put up a fight.

I really wrote this in 50 seconds, so sorry. I hope it's alright xD

I’m the kid in the shadows
The one no one knows.
Hidden by the darkness
Dressed in peasant clothes.

You may not know me,
But I know of you.

Many times,
Our eyes have met;
Simple moments,
I can’t forget.

Tears clouded your eyes
From my true reflection.
But this is my duty
my life of deception.

Shrouded in dimness
I take away the light.
I incinerate your being
Yet you don’t put up a fight.

Living in this gloom
I become your certain doom. ←
The misfortune fate forced upon you.

I am your destiny.
I am your death.