I've had a dream once,
Where everything seemed possible, hopeful and bright,
A world alive with color,
Where joy bloomed in every sight.
I've had a dream once,
Where peace was mine to keep,
A space untouched by worry,
A place where silence whispered deep.
I've had a dream once,
Where I was always in control,
Solving every challenge,
As if it were written on my soul.
I've had a dream once,
Where nothing stood in my way,
I soared above the clouds,
In the dawn of endless day.
I've had a dream once,
Where brick by brick I built my wall,
A fortress strong and steady,
To shield me from the fall.
But I've lost a dream once,
When everything shattered, turned to dust,
Fragments of hope scattered,
In a world I couldn’t trust.
I've lost a dream once,
As it faded into the night,
A whisper in the shadows,
Dimming out of sight.
I've lost a dream once,
A piece of me that slips away,
Gone forever into oblivion,
Leaving silence where it lay.
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,748 Reviews
Hi, hey, hello! I'm here to leave a review. First of all, thanks for sharing this piece of poetry. I like that it has a distinct rhyme scheme and it sticks with the pattern throughout its entirety. Your selections of words/phrases rhyme pretty well. The overall poem also sticks with its own theme and doesn't wander off into incoherence. While some abstract writing is fine in poetry, this one is an example of a poem that's more clear and concise and to the point.
I also liked that this poem is divided up into two "sections," more or less, with the first being "I had a dream," and the second being the contrasting "I've lost a dream." I would suggest, however, that you could change the "I've" to the simple "I" you used in the first portion and it would accomplish your vision while sounding a little smoother and more consistent.
The last suggestion I'll leave for you is to work on rhythm and meter. This is something I am still perfecting myself (and I also have to look up what the difference between them is all the time too lol). You've done pretty well, and if this is how you like it, then I'd say it's fine, but if you're willing to work with tweaking some wording/phrases here and there, it might flow better.
I can see that you've put thought and effort into this, and you've done well. I think this piece also touches on an emotional experience to which many people can relate. Once again, thanks for sharing, and I wish the best for you!
I feel that [totally my opinion] the starting was not too indifferent than many poems in the children books. The middle too i found to be lackluster, until the last verse. That last verse alone was like a glue for the many scattered pieces and memories.
"A piece of me that slips away,
Gone forever into oblivion,
Leaving silence where it lay"
Interesting how it emphasizes the transient nature of our dreams. It might even be a dream come true, if we remember any one of our dreams. else, they are just gone. Born from dust, into the dust.
And don't stop writing.
AbsCon
Thankyou so much for the review