Young Writers Society

Oh my, what nice lyrics these are! Its kind of cliche but I like it that way.

Depending on the sort of music this is going to be put to these could work, they sound as though they are for a standard pop song, by no means Bob Dylan!

Hello! I don't recall if you asked for a review on this, or if I picked it out at some point while looking for things to read, but wither way it has made it on to my list and is the last in my queue to review! Don't you feel special

Specifics

1. The first stanza doesn't capture me. There's nothing that screams original, just kissing at night and references to moonlight. What makes these two people different from everyone else? What's unique about them? Do they have a spot where they kiss, under the bridge or at the old playground? Give us something that will plant an image in our mind and that will add a personal touch to this romance.

2. I love the first line of stanza two. In fact, I like pretty much everything about stanza two - it's fluid and it paints a solid picture. Very nice.

3. You need another syllable in that second line of the chorus. Something as simple as 'a magic ending like in Hollywood' is good and would give you the right emphasis.

4. I'm not sure about line three and the suggestion there's going to be another love. Where's the certainty that this guy was the one or could have been? I find that a slightly odd line and it really comes out of nowhere and kind of breaks me out of the song.

5. I don't think you need the 'now' in line one of stanza three. It's a little disruptive. The rest of that stanza works and now I kind of get that previous line, but I'm still not sure if I like it. I like that she has found another man but do you need to hint about it before? I don't know.

6. Stanza four works nicely!

7. Woah. Stanza five is far too rushed! You have too much going on and don't give us a chance to get to grips with any of it. I think you need to spread that over two stanzas instead so you can move us through it more gently.

8. The sixth stanza is a little flat and uneventful. I'd like to know more of their reunion. Does he bring her a present? Or does his hand still fit the small of her back? Kissing at their 'spot' is too vague and could, again, reference any couple. I want to feel the personalities of this small town girl and the town boy turned city man.

Overall

The ending is sweet and I liked that it went full circle. Generally this had a really nice story to it and followed through well, but it felt like it could have been just a little longer or more fleshed out in places. I liked that it wasn't the typical romance though and that it took them time to come back together, but they never lost sight of one another along the way. A very nice storyline!

Hopefully this gives you a few ideas - keep it up and feel free to ask questions.

All the best,

Heather xxx

It's really good. There was really one thing that really bothered me. I don't want to repeat whats already been said, so that leaves one thing.

You only label the chorus. And in songs there is, an intro, verses, choruses and outros/codas. (Pre-choruses and bridges too. Though those aren't always needed).

That is my only problem, it helps me understand the song better. Other than that I enjoyed your lyrics.

If you have questions about this review, just ask.

-LifeUnknown

This is beautiful. It tells a story like a true country song. Some of the phrases you use I absolutely loved, like "Big city dreams broke my small town heart." In all, fantastic job.

You might want to be careful on a couple lines where you use cliches ineffectively. For example, "A man so true," just does not feel right. Also, the line that says, "Your two divorce trials confirmed your worst fears," seems very unmoving for something very sad. Maybe something along the lines of, "Two divorces made cracks in your soul." I understand that doing that would mean having to rework the rhyming sequence, though. Just a thought.

So, yeah, basically, like GeeLyria said... this is magical. And I think hearing it sung would be an absolutely amazing experienced. If you ever get it recorded or produced, please notify me

Thanks so much for sharing!

Niteowl, hi!

Geez! I am almost never in a romantic mood, but this gave me goosebumps and all. >.< Thing is that not only this song is about two people who love each other but it's about these couple who live in reality, not in the ninth cloud.

If someone asks me to describe your piece with one word, I'd say magical. Because even though I am reading and not listening, I feel the melody as I read. The narration is really touchy, and I love how you altered the choruses in clever ways because that keeps the reader from getting bored.

However, I find this verse to be quite different when you compare it with the other ones:

Heard the knock on my door, had to let you in
Thinking of what I need to say
But you kissed me instead and said "Let's begin
To reshape our youthful love today"

Alright so this is my first review and forgive me if I don't say that much. Ok so I really like these lyrics. I am a big fan of love songs, so these lyrics are really awesome. You must have a very good inspiration for these lyrics. There is no grammatical corrections, but I think you should add a little more to the song. For some reason I already got a tune for this song in my head. And just wondering would you want this song to be like a slow ballad or kind of a fast paced song. I was just wondering because it seems like a fast paced song to me. So that's pretty much it.

Peace,
musicgirl5001