Young Writers Society

Hey Blue! Here for the reviewing contest. I would like to preface that my review is just my opinion and what I say may not work out for this story, so take this with a spoonful of salt

Just a nitpick to get out of the way first: I feel like the sentences in the second paragraph have more "hads" than necessary. I know that it's a flashback describing how the orchard had become wild, but I ever read somewhere that you only need the "had" to slip into the flashback, and then out of into the present.

Setting:

I also think that the description of the orchard was a little lacking, at least to me. While I appreciate the background context of it as an interesting and important tidbit (at least to me) I would have loved to see it shown in the description of the scenery. Like specific nouns and verbs displaying a clear picture of how wild it became. For example, you could write that ivy was creeping up the walls of the cottage, and that beside the paths Andumiel and Reevu had probably cleared up, it was all matted with bracken. A few extra specific details would help me imagine the scene more clearly, I believe.

One other thing I'd like to point out is that the scenery could be livened up more if you had the characters interact a little more with it. Andumiel's sweeping was a great example of this interaction (like using branches) and I feel as though I'd have liked a little more placed in their dialogue. Like either one of them fingering a rock or something or (if there's fruit) Reevu munching on one of them when Andumiel arrives.

Characters:

I really liked the relationship between Andumiel and Reevu. Just a brother-sister kind of relationship. I can imagine that this is going to mentally benefit them greatly as the story progresses and (maybe) as something bad happens and possibly throws the characters in turmoil. Reevu's pretending not to already know Andumiel's trick felt pretty sweet of him, and it made him a likable character.

Though I liked their relationship, I also thought that Andumiel's complaints sound as though she and Reevu don't know each other as long as they do. Assuming she's been a princess all her life, she probably has those complaints longer for quite a while. Compared to Reevu's "Your mother" (which sounds very, very natural) Andumiel's elaboration on how her mother is quite stringent feels much less so. Maybe it would be better if Andumiel said something like "Yes, yes. She was angry with me yet again about this dress. How am I going to do anything if I've got to keep it clean and pretty?" or something like that. Maybe that example isn't particularly good, but the point is: Andumiel and Reevu's known each other for years, so their banter should show that in my opinion.

One final aspect that did confuse me a little was about how Andumiel jumped from (what I assume as) a bad mood to a cheery, playful mood. It's entirely possible that she's ten years old, and volatile, and has a red hot temper that easily cools down. And maybe that violent sweeping may have taken away the anger. /opinion And in the beginning, I didn't really see the "mood" in her as she headed to the garden. Maybe saying that she stomped through the garden or something that conveys frustration or anger or anything causing a bad mood would make this better. Again, it's possible I misread "she was in a mood that day" and may have a comment completely off the hook.

Hope this review helped!

-Ink

Hello Blue! Hopefully I'll have more luck in reviewing this than I've had in reviewing the Chosen Grandma.

Okay, so first I'd like to talk about the characters.

Andumiel sounds like a typical ten-year-old -- storming off but recovering from it pretty quickly. She seems stubborn as well, but the "I don't want to be a proper princess" part seems a bit cliche to me. I wonder what they want her to do at the age of ten other than not ride horses? Anyway, she's the main character, but doesn't seem very... aware? I wonder what she will end up doing, what the conflict will be, because I can't really see one happening unless there's an event which forces her into the world. She clearly has an interest in exploring, but she doesn't seem to see the gravity in any decision she might make.

Reevu, on the other hand, doesn't seem quite like a real character. Maybe a fourteen-year-old would still play with a ten-year-old, but it would be a lot closer to babysitting, which this doesn't seem to be. I also think that most fourteen-year-olds are rather ill-tempered -- maybe not all the time, but they're part of the way into the world of adults, so there's generally a different air about them which Reevu just doesn't have.

Another thing about him is his relationship to Andumiel. They've been friends since they were small, but she's a princess. Since she finds him outside the gardner's cottage, does that mean he's a gardener? If so, how do her parents feel about this friendship? Is there anyone else in the palace her age? From this short section, it seems as if the palace is sparsely occupied, as Andumiel doesn't run into anyone -- even guards -- on the way to Reevu.

There's also this part:

Andumiel treated him a lot like an older brother, except that they didn’t annoy each other that much. He could see that she was in a mood that day.

He could see that she was in a mood that day.

thinking her trick had worked as she always did, because Reevu never let her know he expected it.

“Your mother?” he asked, casting an amused glance at her muddy dress. They entered the roofless structure.

“Yes,” replied Andumiel, somewhat sullenly. “She hates it that father taught me horseback riding and that I’m such a horsewoman. She wants me to be—” The girl made a face—“a proper princess.”

Andumiel grabbed a fallen leafy branch off the ground and started sweeping the floor of the cottage with extreme prejudice. She shoved leaves from overhanging trees and stones from the long-gone roof into a large pile. She violently swung the branch at the pile, so hard that it broke and half the rubble flew out the door. But she was small for a ten-year-old and the fierce exercise winded her.

Reevu shook his light brown hair.

Then she seemed detached from reality, staring vaguely past him at something in the forest. Reevu knew what was coming, but he didn’t move. Sure enough, Andumiel suddenly yelled, “You’re it!” and tapped his shoulder. She ran off, laughing, thinking her trick had worked as she always did, because Reevu never let her know he expected it.

Hey BlueAfrica, here I am to review for the contest! I'm pretty excited to review a chapter from your other fantasy novel. The title itself is gorgeous and attractive; I can imagine an equally beautiful cover that comes with it if it's published. For this review, I will focus on characters, plot, setting, and others.

Characters

“So? If they knew they’d also have to worry about grown-up problems and keep their pretty dresses clean, then almost none of them would want to be princesses.”

The old stone gardeners’ cottage had fallen into disrepair, wildflowers had taken over, the grasses on the banks of the small stream that encircled the orchard had grown tall.

Andumiel grabbed a fallen leafy branch off the ground and started sweeping the floor of the cottage with extreme prejudice. She shoved leaves from overhanging trees and stones from the long-gone roof into a large pile. She violently swung the branch at the pile, so hard that it broke and half the rubble flew out the door. But she was small for a ten-year-old and the fierce exercise winded her.

“Your mother?” he asked, casting an amused glance at her muddy dress. They entered the roofless structure.

“Yes,” replied Andumiel, somewhat sullenly. “She hates it that father taught me horseback riding and that I’m such a horsewoman. She wants me to be—” The girl made a face—“a proper princess.”