It's something we all know it.
But no one moves to change it.
It's a situation we know well its hard,
They are alone no weapons no guard.
With smoky sky , raining bombs
And most of all , broken hearts
All this and we still like snails,
While they are going to jails.
Where are you people ?
Your hearts become like hard metal
Black as ash ,
No white flash .
I willsend this Freedom call .
But please dont throw it to the wall .
So listen up,
Im not gonna shut up,
i will keep write,
until the truth ,
light up their sky again …
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hey Tiny here!
I'm just here to point out your errors no big deal.
It's something we all know it. I would suggest changing this to a comma
But no one moves to change it.
It's a situation we know well its hard,
They are alone , no weapons no guard.
With A smoky sky , raining bombs
And most of all , broken hearts .
All this and we still like snails,
While they are going to jails.
Where are you people ?
Your hearts become like hard metal
Black as ash ,
No white flash .
I will space these outsend this Freedom call .
But please don't throw it to the wall .
So listen up,
I'm not gonna shut up,
I will keep writing,
until the truth ,
will light up their sky again … No need for these here
Just a few knit picky things. I overall enjoy this piece very much despite the few grammar errors
Keep writing
You make a clear point but sadly the poem has a few grammatical errors I can spot. Its hard to make a good rhyming poem but at the same time pay attention to the structure but you have explained it really well. It seems as though people as a whole are ignoring world problems. Its kind of persuasive in a way and I come across many poems that are about emotions and love and suicide on here but your poem is about an education view.
Ella's here to review your poem! This seems like a very serious poem, and it warms my heart that you care as much as I do about issues like the ones you pointed out in the poem. I am going to try to define paragraph of the poem more deeply for this review and fix small grammatical errors. Your grammar started to break towards the end.
"It's something we all know it.
But no one moves to change it.
It's a situation we know well its hard,
They are alone no weapons no guard."
This paragraph defines most third-world countries. They are there with just barely the three essentials to life, and no protection whatsoever. We all know about it, but hardly anybody is deciding to do anything of their own will.
"With smoky sky, raining bombs
And most of all, broken hearts.
All this and we are still like snails,
While they are going to jails."
Very true. Countries are being bombed, resulting in families being torn apart. Most people are relaxing at home while people in the third-world, adults and children alike, are captured and tossed into a jail cell.
" Where are you people?
Your hearts become like hard metal
Black as ash,
No white flash."
All people care about these days is money and hamburgers.
"I will send this Freedom call.
But please dont throw it to the wall.
So listen up,
I'm not gonna shut up,
I will keep writing,
Until the truth,
Lights up their sky again…"
A direct call from the heart of the writer to the reader. I hope the message gets out to everybody. Everyone needs to help. Everyone deserves to be free. Good job, keep writing!
Just to say, I don't have the best grammar either, especially when I'm just trying to get something done fast. I may have even made some errors in this review :3
thank you for the review , and the " like " , it's the first time i get a like just minutes after posting my work
Hello there Smile, here to review your piece.
This was a nice work, with a good message, but it was a little confusing in some parts.
This verse is grammatically wrong, because of the "it" at the end. There is already an "it" in the beginning, so no need for another one.
There is also a mistake with the "it" here. Here though, there are two options. First one, you can change the "its" to "is", and you can add a "that" before "we". Or, you can add a period, so it goes like this:
Then this:
This is not wrong, but it could still be improved. We don't know who you're talking about. Who are they? If you added a verse or two to explain this, it would be clearer and we would understand the poem better. This would help because when we can't really understand, the poem (or song) does not flow as well as it could.
Same with this, maybe you could explain a little better. Also, periods go right after the sentence, without a space.
The "I" is always capitalized. Also, in this verse, "write" is wrong. The correct way of saying it would be
And finally the last verse:
The correct way of saying it would be
Also, it might be better if you could divide the poem into different stanzas.
However, this is a good poem, and it has a lot of potential if you change some of the mistakes. Good job, and keep writing.
Hope this helped,
-Alfonso
thank you so much for the review , and yeah it helped