a flying beetle protests
from outside the sunroom window
.
nub of a tail flicking
my cat sits under the sill
drawn to it like mosquitos near sitting water
.
asks me to contribute to the lost cause
eyes unblinking like two mirrors
facing each other
.
i think about how many definitions
are used for the english word "poor"
.
one two i open
the window
before three
.
the cat
pounces on the beetle
it leaks black
like oil
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello! It's Yubbies!
I understood it in a moment. It all made sense, the dropping subtle clues! I love it, it is amazing. Other people though, who aren't keeping close track of the going-ons over-there, will probably not understand it. Using such a complicated metaphor is difficult to understand sometimes.
It's a great poem and I don't think I would change anything about it. It has a clever metaphor, excellent rhythm, and perfect wording. Congratulations on a job well done!
Keep Writing!
yubbies21 or Knight Yubbies
to be honest, when i read this i was a bit disapointed. I would have never been able to get that this poem was a metaphor for the strikes in Pakistan. i do like that concept though, of creating a poem as a metaphor. That is really creative.
I dig this.
I do think it could be enhanced with punctuation, but the line breaks were placed well enough that it isn't a huge issue. Nice work
I'm reserving a spot to review this, just so you know!
Okay, thanks!
Oh! I forgot about this! I'll review it soon.
Unless there was a reason to using no punctuation and or capitalization, I would recommend changing that. It seems far to casual and as for the message of the poem, I honestly don't know what you are trying to get across. All I understand is that it's got something to do with a window, a beetle, and a cat, but I just don't get it. Maybe you could work on you clarification... The ending is even stranger, do you think you could explain it to me? Also, I don't understand what the title has to do with the poem itself...it all seems so weird...
The best of luck to you!
As for the positive in this poem, I really like the detail you've included. I can just picture this cat ready to pounce on this beetle. The scene is so well described that I can almost feel it, but like I said, you should include a message or maybe tweak a few phrases so that your audience can understand it better.
For what it's worth, the poem is basically an overarching metaphor for US drone strikes in Pakistan.