Hey rbt! I'm June. Can I call you Ribbit?
I don't want to spend time picking this poem apart line-by-line, so I'll just give you the rundown of things that stuck out to me:
• Rhyme scheme! Rhyming poems are a difficult art to master, and even though your rhymes worked in this poem, I got the feeling that you were trying to cram so much into a small space for the sake of rhyme and I don't like it. It limits your creativity and doesn't hold the readers interest as well as it could without.
• Punctuation! An ellipsis [...] is three dots, no more, no less. Barring that tiny error, I don't like the usage of it in poetry, because more often than not, it lends a degree of uncertainty to the poem that makes it feel, well, uncertain, for lack of a better word.
• Repetition! I didn't like the frequent use of the word "and" to begin lines with; here and there, it's okay, and sometimes, I even love it, but in this poem, your ands aren't connecting much. Furthermore, your ideas seem to sort of repeat, so it feels like you're dwelling on ideas too long-- move along, give them the sunshine they need to grow.
Keep writing,
June
Points: 15394
Reviews: 1464
Donate