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137,563 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hey rbt! I'm June. Can I call you Ribbit?
I don't want to spend time picking this poem apart line-by-line, so I'll just give you the rundown of things that stuck out to me:
• Rhyme scheme! Rhyming poems are a difficult art to master, and even though your rhymes worked in this poem, I got the feeling that you were trying to cram so much into a small space for the sake of rhyme and I don't like it. It limits your creativity and doesn't hold the readers interest as well as it could without.
• Punctuation! An ellipsis [...] is three dots, no more, no less. Barring that tiny error, I don't like the usage of it in poetry, because more often than not, it lends a degree of uncertainty to the poem that makes it feel, well, uncertain, for lack of a better word.
• Repetition! I didn't like the frequent use of the word "and" to begin lines with; here and there, it's okay, and sometimes, I even love it, but in this poem, your ands aren't connecting much. Furthermore, your ideas seem to sort of repeat, so it feels like you're dwelling on ideas too long-- move along, give them the sunshine they need to grow.
Keep writing,
June
This poem is really good. The fact that you've stuck to the rhyming scheme in almost every stanza is amazing!
But I really did not get what you meant by the fourth line of your first stanza.I feel you could have capitalised the 'I's to make it complete because you've capitalised it everywhere else necessary.
Overall it is a very touching poem!!
ThAnKK YoUU UuUUU
Hey there, I'm here to review this poem you have here
Now before I begin, I want to warn you that poetry isn't my forte, so I'm not sure how useful this review will be. I will try my best though!
I know it's a bit difficult to avoid and change, but I'm not too keen on the repetition of could in these lines because they make the wording sound a little awkward.
I know this is probably just me being stupid, but nothing i would what? Nothing I wouldn't do, nothing I wouldn't say? Nothing I wouldn't think? It doesn't really make any sense. Bout should also be 'bout as the actual word is about, so you need an apostrophe to mark the missing a.
It should be Thinkin', not Thinkin. Ellipses ('...' at the end of a sentence) also have three dots, not two
I don't really like this line, especially with the rest of the stanza. It just sound a little disjointed and awkward, so maybe you could reword it a little?
I don't understand this simile. I mean, in literal terms, a cone is just a 3D triangle shape thing. That wouldn't be able to melt a volcano. The only relevance I can think of is a snow cone... but if that is the case, you need to specify that. Although a snow cone could hardly melt a volcano anyways, so I doubt that's what you meant.
Again, put an apostrophe before that bout!
I actually really like the concept and idea of this poem, and I think it has a lot of potential. You've written about something really interesting, in my opinion, and I like the way you've approached it. I think it's a realistic perception of the world and the people in it, and I love it when people portray issues like this in their writing. Nonetheless, I do have some things I want to comment on in this poem because there's always room to improve, eh?
One major thing I noticed as I read this poem is concerning your phrasing. Admittedly this may just be because I'm pretty slow and am easily confused, but I have to say that I didn't actually understand some parts of this poem. The opening stanza is a great example, especially in the third line because, well, I don't know what the third line is actually talking (not literally talking of course, but you get the idea) about. The reason I don't think I understand some lines is because of the phrasing, and especially with poems, phrasing is very important because it's what can make or break something. If I were you, I'd go over and revise what you've written to try and tweak some parts so that they make more sense.
Something else I want to mention is grammar. I find it a little distracting because the way you have it at the moment, you don't capitalise your I's, but you capitalise everything else. With poetry, what I personally feel is that when it comes to capitalisation, you either have to capitalise everything when necessary or not capitalise at all. Basically, if you're going to keep your I's in lower case, then you must also keep every other letter in lower case and not capitalise months and the beginning of sentences. If not, just keep everything as it is but capitalise all of your I's.
One last thing I want to mention is that while rhyming in a poem can work wonderfully, you've got to be careful that you don't force the rhyme because when you do that, your readers can usually notice and it can make the poem sound a bit awkward. There are some nice rhymes in this that don't sound at all forced, but every now and then you'll thyme two words together and it does sound a bit more on the forced side. Basically, I can tell that some of your word choice is simply down to 'because it rhymes'. The third line is an example of this because I feel you may have chosen to end the line with would simple because it rhymes with could. As a result, the third line doesn't actually make sense because you've focused on making sure it rhymes.
Negatives aside, I think this poem definitely has a lot of potential. If you tweak some things here and there, it could be great!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Thanksss.. Ill Try To Edit It Once More.
This is kinda a weird way of wording it maybe take out the first as and change the first far to distant.
"As i stood far as i could,
far as one's eye could see."
These two lines don't make since to me, I don't feel they go together. Try something like Even though they should, in the first line to make it make more since and keep your rhyme.
"There was nothing i would,
lost in their world & didn't care bout me."
These lines are good, they fit hand in hand!
"Said all they had to..
all they could possibly utter."
I don't really get the first line here and for the second one I'd change like to with.
"Thinkin without a minute or so..
And the world closed down like a shutter."
I really love these for lines!
"They were something here,
something hard to bear.
And somebody else there,
Somebody not to fear."
I would change the to this and insert are before they.
"And so for the reason
named as two faced they.
Everyday and every season,
Starting from June to May."
I love these first two lines. In the third line I'd switch they and melt even though I don't understand that line. The fourth line is good too!
"They are hated; left alone
Cause two faced they were born.
And melt they away like a volcano on a cone,
Still to be perished and far away gone."
I like these four lines.
"I wasn't one of them to be
But the world was shattered
And didn't care bout me
Their life was to be tethered."
I would change the to this and insert are before they.
"And so for the reason
named as two faced they.
Everyday and every season,
Starting from June to May."
Thankz SO Much
Hi there, I'm Alliyah here to review your poem! I like the ideas behind this of a crumbling two-faced world, but some of the line's meanings are a little hard to decipher out.
Especially the first stanza, I just do not understand:
"As i stood far as i could,
far as one's eye could see.
There was nothing i would,
lost in their world & didn't care bout me"
That 3rd line, what do you mean by 'nothing I would...' Nothing you would what? The only spelling/grammar suggestions I have would be to capitalize 'i' because you used capitalization anyways in the names of the seasons, and it's a little distracting.
Another issue I saw was that although most of your rhyming is clever, there's one that just doesn't work: "bear & fear" do not rhyme in the 3rd stanza. They're spelled the same at the end, but this is not the same as the exact end rhymes you have in the rest of the poem. If you need help finding rhyming words I would suggest 'googling' rhyming dictionary, they're really helpful, and can give you some more ideas!
Lastly, You begin quite a few lines with the word 'and' so I would suggest varying them a little more, or just taking out the word 'and' altogether, in a few places the meaning really wouldn't change if you took it out.
Great job on this poem, and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future!!
~alliyah~
Thankz