Young Writers Society

Hey rbt! I'm June. Can I call you Ribbit?

I don't want to spend time picking this poem apart line-by-line, so I'll just give you the rundown of things that stuck out to me:

• Rhyme scheme! Rhyming poems are a difficult art to master, and even though your rhymes worked in this poem, I got the feeling that you were trying to cram so much into a small space for the sake of rhyme and I don't like it. It limits your creativity and doesn't hold the readers interest as well as it could without.

• Punctuation! An ellipsis [...] is three dots, no more, no less. Barring that tiny error, I don't like the usage of it in poetry, because more often than not, it lends a degree of uncertainty to the poem that makes it feel, well, uncertain, for lack of a better word.

• Repetition! I didn't like the frequent use of the word "and" to begin lines with; here and there, it's okay, and sometimes, I even love it, but in this poem, your ands aren't connecting much. Furthermore, your ideas seem to sort of repeat, so it feels like you're dwelling on ideas too long-- move along, give them the sunshine they need to grow.

Keep writing,

June

This poem is really good. The fact that you've stuck to the rhyming scheme in almost every stanza is amazing!
But I really did not get what you meant by the fourth line of your first stanza.I feel you could have capitalised the 'I's to make it complete because you've capitalised it everywhere else necessary.
Overall it is a very touching poem!!

Hey there, I'm here to review this poem you have here Now before I begin, I want to warn you that poetry isn't my forte, so I'm not sure how useful this review will be. I will try my best though!

As i stood far as i could,
far as one's eye could see.

There was nothing i would,
lost in their world & didn't care bout me.

Thinkin without a minute or so..

Somebody not to fear.

And melt they away like a volcano on a cone,

And didn't care bout me

This is kinda a weird way of wording it maybe take out the first as and change the first far to distant.
"As i stood far as i could,
far as one's eye could see."

These two lines don't make since to me, I don't feel they go together. Try something like Even though they should, in the first line to make it make more since and keep your rhyme.
"There was nothing i would,
lost in their world & didn't care bout me."

These lines are good, they fit hand in hand!
"Said all they had to..
all they could possibly utter."

I don't really get the first line here and for the second one I'd change like to with.
"Thinkin without a minute or so..
And the world closed down like a shutter."

I really love these for lines!
"They were something here,
something hard to bear.
And somebody else there,
Somebody not to fear."

I would change the to this and insert are before they.
"And so for the reason
named as two faced they.
Everyday and every season,
Starting from June to May."

I love these first two lines. In the third line I'd switch they and melt even though I don't understand that line. The fourth line is good too!
"They are hated; left alone
Cause two faced they were born.
And melt they away like a volcano on a cone,
Still to be perished and far away gone."

I like these four lines.
"I wasn't one of them to be
But the world was shattered
And didn't care bout me
Their life was to be tethered."

I would change the to this and insert are before they.
"And so for the reason
named as two faced they.
Everyday and every season,
Starting from June to May."

Hi there, I'm Alliyah here to review your poem! I like the ideas behind this of a crumbling two-faced world, but some of the line's meanings are a little hard to decipher out.

Especially the first stanza, I just do not understand:
"As i stood far as i could,
far as one's eye could see.
There was nothing i would,
lost in their world & didn't care bout me"

That 3rd line, what do you mean by 'nothing I would...' Nothing you would what? The only spelling/grammar suggestions I have would be to capitalize 'i' because you used capitalization anyways in the names of the seasons, and it's a little distracting.

Another issue I saw was that although most of your rhyming is clever, there's one that just doesn't work: "bear & fear" do not rhyme in the 3rd stanza. They're spelled the same at the end, but this is not the same as the exact end rhymes you have in the rest of the poem. If you need help finding rhyming words I would suggest 'googling' rhyming dictionary, they're really helpful, and can give you some more ideas!

Lastly, You begin quite a few lines with the word 'and' so I would suggest varying them a little more, or just taking out the word 'and' altogether, in a few places the meaning really wouldn't change if you took it out.

Great job on this poem, and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future!!

~alliyah~