I want a mark or
maybe a symbol.
Something quite small,
the length of a thimble.
*
Nestled in a crook, a crevice or cranny
hidden from the malevolent stares of the uncanny.
The fold of my elbow will do - just so
and so I must start, to begin, I go.
*
Not to the parlour;
their ink is too black, too big and ugly
and their henna wears off.
*
I need something permanent.
I need something strong.
I need something of my own creation.
*
So I create by myself; a little red mark,
Its colour - one of strength.
And so when the bleeding finally stops
my scar is a thimble's length.
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138,364 Literary Works • 672,109 Reviews
Hi. This is Kman134. I'm here to review your work.
At first, when i read this, i thought it was a superhero fic. however, the more i read, the more i can tell it is about something else.
I saw the symbolism of self-identification and many people always wanted their own individual self as we go through an existential journey throughout our lives. However, I'm not sure if that is what you were going with. the emotional undertone of want really emphasize the poem really well.
"So I create by myself; a little red mark,
Its colour - one of strength.
And so when the bleeding finally stops
my scar is a thimble's length."
the ending where you finally found who you really are was really good and it sets the poem to the right mood. the metaphor of red shows the fiery passion and determination that reflects who you truly are and it reflects what you went through to find who you are.
anyways, this was pretty good. i hope to read more.
Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it.
This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!
So the first aspect of this poem that I noticed is that there isn't a defined rhyme scheme, yet you're rhyming. Most of the time if you're going to use rhyme in your poetry, you want to be able to have a pattern. For example, in the first stanza, you have a rhyme scheme of ABCB, while the second stanza is DDEE. A general rule of thumb is to stay consistent with your rhyme, otherwise, you'll probably confuse the reader. What I'm most concerned with, is that in stanzas three and four, there isn't a rhyme at all. In short, be consistent if you're going to use it as a poetic device, even though I'm not sure how much this poem actually benefits from including it, and I want you to consider abandoning it.
The theme that this poem is attempting to display is a little confusing. I became lost when attempting to understand what the message is that you're trying to get across. The speaker claims that they don't want a tattoo, but they want to make a mark for themselves. I'm confused as to why they'd want to cut themselves with a scar the length of a thimble, that I'm almost positive would heal. That's the logic that stopped me from understanding this poem in full.
What I also would have liked to see is more of a development of why this speaker wants to have a scar that small. More fleshing out on their emotions and why they happen to have this view. Perhaps they want a scar that will last, though this motivation almost seems similar to something of self-harm, though I'm not sure if that's your intent since you call red a color of strength, which is usually what it is associated with.
The fact that you associate it with that is what makes me doubt that this has to do directly with self-harm, though the speaker wants to harm their body, if that makes any sense. I found that to be a little contradictory, and if you could shed some clarity in that area, it would be great. Expand and flesh out with stronger imagery and a use of the poetic devices to get your point across to the reader, since it seems that aspect of the poem is important to you as the theme is mainly what the poem is built around.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask. I hope I helped and have a great day!
Hi Nikayla
Thank you for the time you took to write a review - it was really helpful. Yes, I completely agree - the rhyme scheme was random and not structured. I like the idea of rhyme, and the way it sounds when you read it but I don't want to force it, so I kind of abandoned a scheme. Do you have any ways in which I could change this?
The overall poem was the narrator wanting a small mark on their body - to give themselves a sense of identity. The poem outlines why the narrator doesn't want tattoos, etc... and hence the narrator self harms. The reason for this in the poem is to "make a mark" yet as you said; this is contradictory to the reason most people self harm. I wanted to show that the narrator didn't realize that self-harming was "bad" or had all the negative connotations most people attribute to it. For him; it was just a mark. I think I was trying to show a different perspective on it - but I guess I was trying to strip the idea of self-harm to its bare bones, it is essentially marking your body like any other form. I understand your confusion though.
I called red a colour of strength - because it that was its significance to the narrator, and as you said, is its usual connotations. However it may contradict to people's idea about self-harm, that it is weak. In this way I was just trying to show that marking your body like this wasn't always weak.
Thank you for the tips - I will edit the poem. Your review was really helpful.
Tick Tock
I know I didn't say this before, but more unusual rhyme schemes are a possibility. But that's the thing, they're still schemes or patterns that you create or follow, and I'm pretty sure if you wanted to, you could probably create one yourself.
As for the message that you were trying to get across with this poem--yeah, I figured. I just didn't want to assume wrongly if it were something else such as self-harm. And it is, just not in the way that we usually think of it.
Also, I'm glad the review helped! Have a great day, Tick Tock.
Thank you - ok yeah - I'll have a think.
You too!
hey
i love this poem it reminds me of who i was and what i thought its brilliant and creative but i did get off guard on the second part or the poem but i was very pulled by the rest of this poem amazing work!
Thank you!
Heyo! 'Lias here, just Roman' around to drop an interview!
DANG! First thing's first, I adored the rhythm of this poem.
Second thing's second, I'm just warning you: I stink at critiquing poetry, so here we go. XD
I like how in the beginning, you made it sound so hopeful! You want to make your mark on the world! You want people to remember your name! At least that's what we think at first. Then in the second paragraph (stanza?) we see that... something's not right here. This bit didn't have that hopeful tone, that desire to make your mark. And when you mentioned your elbow, the penny finally dropped. The only thing that we can think is:
Oh no...
If that was the effect you were going for, you got it spot on. The way you did it, smoothly, not just dropping it all on us at once, there is no better way that you could have done it. SO excellent job on that!
In the third stanza, however, you got me confused. It may just be me, though. I'm not all that bright, and, frankly, I've never had to go through anything like that, but to me the whole thing about the darkened parlour and the henna confused me. Again, it's probably all me, so feel free to explain it if you so desire!
And then, in the third bit, we have that same 'Oh no' sort of feeling. We know that the urge is growing strong. And you 'needed something of your own creation'. This is the DANG moment that I was referring to earlier. It's a fairly poetic way of introducing this subject matter, and it was very interesting to hear it being portrayed in this way!
The final paragraph was excellent. It tied it all together, and confirmed the suspicion that we had (assuming that we hadn't figured it out already). and we know that this is the start of something major.
There's nothing that I can recommend to change it! Excellent job!
Just keep writing,
'Lias
Hi! Thank you so much for your review - it was so nice to hear feedback.
I'm glad you liked the rhyming and the subject matter - yes that's exactly what I intended.
In the third stanza - I was referring to tattoos and henna (other marks you can have on your body) as if contemplating other ways in which to "make a mark" - but yes, I agree that was probably too ambiguous. I might delete that verse.
Thank you so much!
Tick Tock
Hey, no problem! I think you could keep that verse. I thought you meant "Parlour" like some old-fashioned room. Now that I know that you meant a tattoo parlour, it makes a lot more sense.