Free
I open my eyes to the dusty floor,
It's cold in here,
Daddy hasn't fixed the door.
-
Outside the sky is grey,
No one is up yet,
But I want to go and play.
-
The treehouse is my favourite spot,
It's high and hidden,
Away from the bad men and the knives they've got.
-
The ladder is broken too,
But I can still climb up,
If I take off my shoe.
-
Its pretty when you're way up high,
The sky is always grey,
But it still makes you want to fly.
-
If I stretched out wide,
And closed my eyes,
I could almost pretend, if I really tried.
-
I could pretend I was free,
And not scared to fall,
-
Not scared of dying,
No not scared at all.
-
Not scared of bad men,
With their bad knives,
-
Not scared of being taken,
As a present for their wives.
-
Maybe the wind will take me,
Far far out, away from this tree.
-
But if I say please, I don't think it will,
I tried that with God,
And mummy's still ill.
-
My eyes are closed tight,
My arms out wide,
I uncurl my toes - I'm ready for flight.
-
The leaves start to rustle,
The wind has come!
Now the count down begins,
Three...two...one.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,210 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
I love your poem and it was good. I like all the rhyming and the stanzas. In the end was very interesting and the beginning to the end tells what is going on and what is going on in the end even though the author end the story. this book is about a miserable life. Ilike the way you also describe the setting i want you to publish it in real life brillant work
Wow! Thank you so much! It's great to here the feedback. It was actually meant to be a poem but I get what you mean - it was a bit like a story. Thank you!
Tick tock
Hey its Becca
I really like the poem, its well structured, I love the diction and how you've painted an interesting scene.
I would love to read more of your writing.
Thank you so so much. I really appreciate your comment.
Tick tock
Hello, it's Ruby, just popping in for a review!
So just wanted to begin with complimenting the imagery in this piece. Many of the stanzas gave images that really overall contributed to the overall mood of the poem, which was very gloomy and depressed. I'm not complaining there, though, because I'm always one who enjoys the darker sides of poetry that deal with real, raw emotions. "The sky is always grey" really conveyed that how the weather/sky is outside is representing how you (or whoever this poem is focused on) feel inside.
I enjoyed the progression of this piece as well. Beginning with someone lying in bed and being stirred enough by her own thoughts, it leads a reader to wonder- why is she sad in the first place? Why hasn't her father fixed the door? As the stanzas go on, I figured it was the sickness of the mother that was the cause for the depression represented in the poem. I think leaving the reader to speculate on the motivations of the subject and then presenting it at the end was great, and leaves a good impact on the audience.
Overall, I really enjoyed this! The only thing was that in the last stanza, I thought it might have worked a little better if you switched the first two lines and had the speaker count down from three instead of to three- but other than that, I thought this whole thing flowed well and was an interesting subject.
Hi Rubykae!
Thank you so much for your review! I'm really glad you liked it. Me too, I think there's more point in writing a poem conveying raw emotions that people have to battle with everyday.
And thanks for your suggestion - I might try that.
Thank you!!!
I've just changed it - tell me if you like it.
It looks great- it really finishes the poem well! I'm just glad you actually liked my advice
Thank you! Yeah it helped so much!
hi, this is Kman134, here, to review your work.
this is a somewhat cold and dark poem; its like it's explaining us the wait for the sweet bliss of death and the coming of the cold winter.
"Not scared of being taken,
As a present for their wives.
-
Maybe the wind will take me,
Far far out, away from this tree."
i couldn't tell whether you are comparing yourself to a baby bird, or something, but it's a pretty good symbolism.
the grammar is well constructed and the writing is well-written; the symbolisms and themes within this was pretty deep, which is what has gotten to me. anyways i hope you keep writing.
Hi! Thank you so much for your review! I'm glad you liked the symbolism, and yeah, I guess in some parts I was comparing myself to a bird but the "present for their wives" was more to convey the constant fear of being taken in this place where there may be war, or a dictator or something. I think I was basing it around someone living in one of those war torn countries.
Thank you so much.
Simply beautiful, although there's a few minor spelling errors, but it's alright. This painted a beautiful image in my head.
Thank you!!! I'm really glad you liked it.