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Stone faces

by ticktock123


One by one, they walk in rows,

Wearing jackets, hats, suits and bows.

Blue, black, brown or grey,

The same colours every day.

Shiny shoes and curly laces,

Black bags and stony faces.

Taking notes on white paper,

Until a little while later,

They file out in rows,

Wearing jackets, hats, ties and bows.

But when the last one has gone,

Still no one has bothered to turn the lights back on.


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Thu Sep 24, 2015 8:57 am
deleted21 wrote a review...



Hello tick,

welcome to the site, hopefully you've been enjoying. I can see you've already got some awesome reviews which I'm sure was helpful for you. So, i won't talk much! XD

I think i should say that, I totally loved your poem. The way you described the whole thing, i can picture of the corporate world, but not much of the political world. So, that's something, in my opinion, you're lacking in, as i don't have any idea of which country you're talking about. But, the political situation of my place is definitely more awkward. If you want to imagine it, feel free to think of the hunger games or can i just suggest the Tom and Jerry show? :P I'm not kidding though!

What i loved most about your poem is the very last line! That no one remembers to turn the lights on, which I believe where you wanted to say about the change, the change for good. That, at the end of the day, at the end of the fiscal year, we can barely see the change. But, one can't bring change alone. We must stay united for that!

Very good work anyway! Have a great day!

~Nire




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Thu Sep 17, 2015 1:30 am
Harker wrote a review...



Hey there, ticktock123! Welcome to YWS. My review will be focusing on a few short phrases from your poem, but first I want to suggest something drastic: do away with the rhyme scheme. I think it not only gives your poem an amateurish feel and does not contribute to the flow of the piece, but it restricts you to a certain vocabulary--which is not as expressive, I know, as your voice as a writer. So we have a gap. A gap between your internal monologue and the way you express this internal monologue. And rhyme is creating this gap. So... a tip for the future: think hard before using it.

Anyhow! I'm going to make this short and go through with phrasing and grammatical changes one by one. Ready? Let's do this!

Shiny shoes and curly laces,

Black bags and stone faces.


In this second line, it feels like there's a syllable missing. This can be remedied by replacing "black" with a more expressive word, like "charcoal" or "jet-black". So it'd be "Shiny shoes and curly laces, / Black bags and stone faces."

Big board, presentation,

Fixed eyes, full attention.


This doesn't really rhyme, and it doesn't really make sense. I'd get rid of both of these. ;)

They nod and approve,

But like robots they move,


Again, the rhyme is really confining you here.

They think they have it all figured out,

But still no one has realised, the lights were always out.


I really love this metaphor, and I really love the way you executed it! I'm sorry if this came off as overly harsh--I want to help you be the best writer you can be.

Don't forget to be awesome!

IronSpark



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ticktock123 says...


Hi IronSpark
Thank you so much for your review! I don't have much experience writing so your tips have helped a lot.

I pretty much thought this poem up on the spot, and didn't really have time to polish it so thanks for your ideas.
Yes, I agree with the second line, I have changed it to "stony faces" and I have deleted the ones you suggested.

I'm happy you liked the metaphor... I wasn't sure if people would get it.

Thank you again for your review.
Tick tock



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Wed Sep 16, 2015 10:46 pm
dogsrule5 wrote a review...



Another unique poem, i have read. Very interesting indeed.

Hola, Dogs here for a review. (Hola means hello in Spanish, just fyi)
So very interesting poem. I will start out with nitpicks (Mistakes) Since your new here, I am just trying to help you out. Not trying to be rude or harsh, but I'm going to point out your mistakes so you will become a better writer. Not saying your not good, your great, but everyone needs improvement and everyone can get better.

1: You spelled realized incorrectly. You spelled it "realised" when it's really realized. With a z and not an s after the i.

You did a really good job thought. I don't think all the commas are needed. Really great poem.
Keep up the good writings,
Love,
Dogs



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ticktock123 says...


Hi Dogs!
Thank you for the review!!! Its great to hear feedback. Actually, where I come from "realised" is spelt correctly with an "s"... not like the American way.

Thank you!
Tick tock



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Wed Sep 16, 2015 9:00 pm
steampowered wrote a review...



Hello, steampowered here for a review!

So, I obviously have no idea which country you happen to be from but I happen to be from the UK and politics is a really big thing over here at the moment due to the election of a new and rather interesting party leader who wants to try and shake things up a little in Parliament. Having read this poem, I could identify with it and how detached politicians seem to be, whatever their nationality.

On the other hand, assuming this is actually a poem about politicians, you give it something of the feeling of a stuffy (and uncannily cooperative) board meeting at a big international company. Personally, I always thought politics was a bit more heated than this. In Britain the sentiment seems to be that our politicians are smartly-dressed out-of-touch aristocrats shouting at one another and not really listening to anything anyone else has to say. I can kind of agree with some of the sentiments expressed in this poem (such as the fact politicians talk but nothing much gets done) but I feel like maybe some more context is needed. What is this meeting about? Is everyone playing for the same side, or are there opposing factions here with representatives from across the political spectrum?

They think they have it all figured out,
But still no one has realised, the lights were always out.


I feel like this was a weak ending to what was otherwise a promising poem. First of all, you had some good rhyming going on here, yet you repeated the word “out” as if you couldn’t think of another rhyme. I instantly thought of the word “shout” but that’s just a word I generally associate with politics. ;)

One by one, they walk in rows,
Wearing jackets, hats, suits and bows.

They file out in rows,
Wearing jackets, hats, ties and bows.


This bit was definitely my favourite. Hopefully this review was of some use to you, and keep writing! :D



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ticktock123 says...


Thanks for the review!!! It was really useful to hear the feedback...and glad you liked that bit! :-)

I get where your coming from with the politics idea, it's a really interesting concept but the poem was meant to be slightly more general actually. I actually wrote it about business men, but its completely open to interpretation. I think this is perhaps why you were disappointed with the ending.

Thanks for the review!!!!
Tick tock



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Wed Sep 16, 2015 8:49 pm
camillefalgout wrote a review...



This is a really meaningful poem. I have only a few suggestions. First, I think a better rhyming word wold sound better with "presentation" and "attention". Also, paper and later could rhyme better... And the last two lines might sound better with rhyming words instead of using the same word... but that is just my opinion, it is not necessarily wrong. I really liked the poem overall, good work!



Random avatar
ticktock123 says...


Thanks for the feedback! Yeah I completely agree, so I deleted those 2 lines... and I've changed the last 2 lines. They still have the same meaning but I hope this sounds better. Thanks!
Tick tock




Just because you don't feel like a hero in your own story, doesn't mean you're not a hero in someone else's.
— Tenyo