Young Writers Society

Hello tick,

welcome to the site, hopefully you've been enjoying. I can see you've already got some awesome reviews which I'm sure was helpful for you. So, i won't talk much! XD

I think i should say that, I totally loved your poem. The way you described the whole thing, i can picture of the corporate world, but not much of the political world. So, that's something, in my opinion, you're lacking in, as i don't have any idea of which country you're talking about. But, the political situation of my place is definitely more awkward. If you want to imagine it, feel free to think of the hunger games or can i just suggest the Tom and Jerry show? I'm not kidding though!

What i loved most about your poem is the very last line! That no one remembers to turn the lights on, which I believe where you wanted to say about the change, the change for good. That, at the end of the day, at the end of the fiscal year, we can barely see the change. But, one can't bring change alone. We must stay united for that!

Very good work anyway! Have a great day!

~Nire

Hey there, ticktock123! Welcome to YWS. My review will be focusing on a few short phrases from your poem, but first I want to suggest something drastic: do away with the rhyme scheme. I think it not only gives your poem an amateurish feel and does not contribute to the flow of the piece, but it restricts you to a certain vocabulary--which is not as expressive, I know, as your voice as a writer. So we have a gap. A gap between your internal monologue and the way you express this internal monologue. And rhyme is creating this gap. So... a tip for the future: think hard before using it.

Anyhow! I'm going to make this short and go through with phrasing and grammatical changes one by one. Ready? Let's do this!

Shiny shoes and curly laces,

Black bags and stone faces.

Big board, presentation,

Fixed eyes, full attention.

They nod and approve,

But like robots they move,

They think they have it all figured out,

But still no one has realised, the lights were always out.

Another unique poem, i have read. Very interesting indeed.

Hola, Dogs here for a review. (Hola means hello in Spanish, just fyi)
So very interesting poem. I will start out with nitpicks (Mistakes) Since your new here, I am just trying to help you out. Not trying to be rude or harsh, but I'm going to point out your mistakes so you will become a better writer. Not saying your not good, your great, but everyone needs improvement and everyone can get better.

1: You spelled realized incorrectly. You spelled it "realised" when it's really realized. With a z and not an s after the i.

You did a really good job thought. I don't think all the commas are needed. Really great poem.
Keep up the good writings,
Love,
Dogs

Hello, steampowered here for a review!

So, I obviously have no idea which country you happen to be from but I happen to be from the UK and politics is a really big thing over here at the moment due to the election of a new and rather interesting party leader who wants to try and shake things up a little in Parliament. Having read this poem, I could identify with it and how detached politicians seem to be, whatever their nationality.

On the other hand, assuming this is actually a poem about politicians, you give it something of the feeling of a stuffy (and uncannily cooperative) board meeting at a big international company. Personally, I always thought politics was a bit more heated than this. In Britain the sentiment seems to be that our politicians are smartly-dressed out-of-touch aristocrats shouting at one another and not really listening to anything anyone else has to say. I can kind of agree with some of the sentiments expressed in this poem (such as the fact politicians talk but nothing much gets done) but I feel like maybe some more context is needed. What is this meeting about? Is everyone playing for the same side, or are there opposing factions here with representatives from across the political spectrum?

They think they have it all figured out,
But still no one has realised, the lights were always out.

One by one, they walk in rows,
Wearing jackets, hats, suits and bows.
…
They file out in rows,
Wearing jackets, hats, ties and bows.

This is a really meaningful poem. I have only a few suggestions. First, I think a better rhyming word wold sound better with "presentation" and "attention". Also, paper and later could rhyme better... And the last two lines might sound better with rhyming words instead of using the same word... but that is just my opinion, it is not necessarily wrong. I really liked the poem overall, good work!