Big, brown,
Soft and fluffy,
Padded paws,
And rounded belly,
---
Little eyes,
A little nose,
Little feet,
And little toes.
---
When I was scared,
he conquered my fears,
When I was sad,
He dried up my tears.
---
Around his neck,
a green bow tie,
Sat on my cupboard,
way up high.
---
Until one day,
he tumbled down,
And I left him lying,
On the ground.
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140,210 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hello ticktock123,
It's MergSword here early in the morning for a review!
I like this poem! I love teddy bears, a lot. They make me feel safe and comfortable....I do have a problem with the poem though. It's the first stanza. Yes, describing the teddy bear is fine but that's not the problem. It's the way you formatted.
Big, brown,
Soft and fluffy,
Padded paws,
And rounded belly,
I think the that these lines shouldn't be separated. At least not all of them. The first line and second should be combined. Same with the third and fourth line. I also think that the first stanza and second stanza should also be combined. It would look a little like this...
Big, brown, Soft and fluffy,
Padded paws, And rounded belly,
Little eyes, A little nose,
Little feet, And little toes.
That last stanza though, I like how it's about growing up. It touches me. Although when I grow up, I shall never get rid of Pablo the Teddy Bear.
Keep on writing and stay awesome!
~MergSword
Hey, New York here for a review!
I loved this poem and how it shines light on the effect of growing up, how the teddy bear once meant so much and was put on such a high pedestal only to be taken down as time went on. I liked the rhyming scheme and I hope you keep on writing.
Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it and understood it!
Tick tock
Hey, New York here for a review!
I loved this poem and how it shines light on the effect of growing up, how the teddy bear once meant so much and was put on such a high pedestal only to be taken down as time went on. I liked the rhyming scheme and I hope you keep on writing.
Hey! Cello here for a quick review!
I really enjoyed this. The first 'happy' stanzas really contrasted with the final 'sad' stanzas.
One thing though-
Throughout the poem you have a constant rhyming scheme of ABCB. Sometimes it's okay to do a stanza without the pattern (Though I always advise against it) But it's not good to start off a poem out of the pattern. It took me a while to catch on to the whole rhyming thing because I wasn't expecting it, I assumed the rest would be like the first stanza.
You could try something like
Big, brown,
bounces like jelly,
soft and fluffy,
And rounded belly,
Hm. No, that was horrible. I'm sorry. I'm sure you'll be able to think of something though as you're clearly very talented
Other than that, great work. It really told a story. Keep it up!
-ChocolateCello
Hi ChocolateCello
Thank you so much for the review! I'm really glad you liked it.
Yes I completely agree, I didn't like the rhyming for my first stanza either, I might edit it if I think of something better... no your attempt was quite good! I'm not sure I'm that talented though...I haven't exactly been writing for long.
Anyway, thank you so much.
Tick tock
Hey ticktock123,
I really enjoyed reading this poem of yours. I always have a problem in rhyming my poems. So when I read a well rhymed and phrased poem it fills me with envy. Haha.
This poem was simple yet impactful. The last stanza was the thunder, undoubtedly. The way you represented and conveyed the emotion of growing up and moving on from your teddy is commendable. In short, well written and a nice read
-Ishita Dutt
www.thebipolarbeing.blogspot.com
Thank you so much!!! Really glad you liked it!
Tick tock
Hey ticktock, TS here reviewing.
I thought the flow was great, a nice easy rhyming scheme kept it tidy and - again - comfy. Your poem just goes to show that a work of art isn't dictated by the language used or the length of the words - it's the meaning behind those words. And yours held meaning for every little kid out there who left there teddy on the floor. I think it was very powerful, I think you executed the simple style perfectly - couldn't have one it better! - and I think that it served to make the last stanza all the more truthful. It echoed a little bit of pain in the me of six years ago.
I really enjoyed this piece. I thought that it was sweet, and simple which made it a nice comfortable read. But then 'boom!' it's sad
Well done on this piece, I really really enjoyed it and I can't think of any criticism. You could add in another stanza, just before the tumbling down, one more part to cement the bond between you and the teddy before launching into the demise of your childhood. Love it.
Yours in ink,
TS.
Thanks TS
Really appreciate the review, and I'm really glad you liked the rhyming scheme...so many people have told me not to use it in other poems.
Yes, I wanted to make it really meaningful and I think lots of people can relate to the fact that we all grow up and "grow out" of our favourite toys.
Thank you so much!
Tick tock