The mirror shards litter the path behind me
like November leaves.
I mourn for these distorted universes,
remembering when they were whole,
showing me unfractured potential.
That was before
I blindly tossed stones at them,
turning gleaming destiny
into shattered fate.
Through my tears, I fight
to see the path ahead,
leading to a mirror I can't break
with a clarity I have never known.
I will stand in front of it and smile,
seeing who I was always meant to be.
A/N: The mirror metaphor in this piece reflects (pun intended) the one in the first poem I ever wrote, https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/niteowl/The-Hall-of-Mirrors-176. It should stand on its own regardless, but I figured I'd share the cringiness of my old writing with you. :P
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hiiiiiii!
Okay, so this is now only six years old, lol. But I had to check it after you pointed it out. ^^ Anyway, this is also cool (and rough, but maybe you want to tweak this poem?) so I figured I would give you a review.
I love this image soooo much. I just wish the image continued a little bit longer, if that makes sense! It seems to beckon for more.
First of all, "gleaming destiny /into shattered fate" is an AWESOME line. Very well done!
I do think that the first two lines are a little weak though. The first line has no nouns or verbs, besides "was" which makes it seem a little passive (I dunno... I have a theory that strong verbs and nouns strengthen a poem). Then you have the second line... I think "blindly tossed" is not the right word, and it almost feels like you put the adverb there to try to make it stronger, except... I dunno. Then you use "them" instead of "mirrors" and I think using mirrors" would have been better, in a way.
I dunno... I almost think it would have been better if you had done something like:
Before I scattered stores at mirrors
turning gleaming destiny
into shattered fate
Or something like that!
So... I've been editing the word count of my novel because it is massively huge and one of the things I discovered was that if I had a line like
"Through my tears I fight to see the path ahead"
Usually I can get rid of the two verbs that I've used and shorten it to something like
"Through tears I strain for the path ahead"
...and also make it punchier and stronger. So I would be tempted to do that too!
But yeah! It is a good sequel to your original poem.
Tae! First, I love this idea, and may steal it.
Your third stanza is lovely, and "shattered fate" is a rather delicious image, when juxtaposed against your first stanza. Or, maybe it's just that I like "unfractured" against "shattered."
Fourth stanza, I'm not sure about "stronger," or maybe it's the use of "stronger mirror," because the idea of a strong reflection doesn't quite work for me - and that may well be personal; but the idea of a reflection as it's own self, rather than a (ugh, forgive me) reflection of reality - I dunno. It feels very matrix, and I'm not sure that's where you were going with this? Or I'm reading way too much into it, there's also that possibility. Especially since your final stanza goes back to reflection of reality, rather than the suggestion of a reality.
Thanks, Tae!
Hi Mesh! I know it's been a while but I don't like leaving my reviews un-responded too. By "steal it" do you mean writing a response to your first poem? Haha that would be great.
As for the "stronger" thing, I think you're right. I meant that this mirror is less fragile than the others so I won't be able to break it. This mirror could also have a "strong" reflection, but I think a better word for that would be like sharp or clear. So I edited those lines to make them a little stronger (heh). Thanks again!
Thanks for sharing this extended metaphoric poem. Love the way our previous self-images as compared to shattered mirrors to be replaced by one that is finally unbreakable. True, the way we contemplate ourselves is indeed as if we were looking into a mirror via self evaluation.
Sometimes we like what we see and at other times we are disappointed and hurl rocks in order to shatter and replace with something better. So the throwing of rocks and the shattering are good if they serve to lead us to a better self-image of ourselves as represented by that final solid mirror mentioned in the poem.
Within the framework of that understanding I see the mourning not as a desire to return to those images but as a regret that the speaker had them in the first place. That would harmonize with the speaker’s statement that he will stand smiling and satisfied with the new image that replaces them.
Just one suggestion:
[were whole]
Hey! I know it's been a while since you reviewed this since I haven't been on much, but I wanted to say thanks for reviewing! I'm glad you liked it and I did fix that typo. I find your interpretation interesting because it's sort of more hopeful than what I was thinking. This poem was inspired by thinking about the past and like "Oh man, I could have done this thing differently 10 years ago and my life would be so different now". So like I was upset about all the lost potential...like I could have done anything but I'm here haha. Anyway, thanks again!
That pun was a bit punderwhelming...
This poems is very relatable, and I feel it will be to many people. The struggle of having made mistakes and still pushing on to a better fate that will be better in the long run.
I really liked your comparison of mirror shards and November leaves.
I would watch out for word choice: it's not a super big deal, but sometimes using different wording could help easier tie the poem together.
For example, in stanza two when you say, "distorted universes". I would suggest using something relating to a mirror, such as shattered, broken, crushed, cracked, or something along those lines. It doesn't really matter that much, but it might be something worth considering.
All in all, I really liked this poem. I found it relatable and really enjoyable to read! Keep writing!
ella
Hey! I know it's been a while since you reviewed but I just wanted to say thanks for reviewing! I did make some minor changes. I also decided to keep the distorted universes line as it was because I was thinking of distorted reflections like fun house mirrors. Thanks again!
Ah, fun house mirrors! Goodness, it took me this long to understand. Anyways, it was no trouble at all. I really enjoyed reading it, so it was actually very fun.