Believing that you
will keep your promises
is like stepping on
a perfectly curled October leaf
as if it wasn't still wet
from yesterday's rain.
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Maybe in place of 'perfectly curled' allude to the sound of the leaves to make the meaning more clear? I also was caught up in the imagery of leaf-symmetry and promises (true leaves are sharp flat edges, not afraid of their form. False liar-leaves curls with the weight of its wet, and forms sloppy messes ? Was my train of thought) - didn't realize the curl was not the sloppy wet leaf, but the dried, petrified crunchy ones.
I think a word choice to point us toward the sound/dryness versus the wet can help? (One of my fav poets used the term 'arthritic' leaves once, and I will always carry that with me, man! I wish I came up with it).
But other than that, I found it lovely in its ironic tone of decayed hope c:
Thanks for the review! Yeah I was going for subtle with the "perfectly curled" but it seems to be reading maybe a bit too subtle. I have to come up with a better way to say "leaf that looks fun to crunch but isn't" haha.
Oi, Nite, so cynical and beautiful at the same absolute time.
It's wonderful.
Now, I will say that it takes a toll on the breath and could benefit from line breaks or structural consideration to give the reader some respite to put a soft pause inside what is a beautiful, albeit cumbersome, sentence.
Perfectly-curled gives us immaculateness, pristine nature. Stepping on this is a deliberate and clear breaking of perfect nature, and it's done knowingly--so applying this to broken promises. I feel the compulsion to apologize to you on behalf of the person who brought this out of you. It must be a horrible feeling.
All-in-all, excellent and short work, but the length without pause is a stretch. Consider for editing.
Ty
Holy cow, there...were definitely line breaks in this. I typed this in the black box to get around YWS's pesky formatting but forgot to add the <br> tags. *facepalm* Will fix that now.
And I think you're interpreting the stepping bit in a slightly different way than I meant it. I love stepping on leaves, but when they're wet you don't get that crunch, hence all the disappointment. Same overall message though. This is one of those times where an ordinary thing (silly Niteowl stepping on wet leaves) coincided with the theme (a friend continuing to do bad things to themselves despite promising not to).
So yeah, thanks for the review and I will def go add the line breaks.
*facepalm* Well. Correct interpretation by misled inference. That's...good!
And yes. >.> The YWS Publisher needs some new shoes.