Hi niteowl!
I think you're missing out an opportunity to describe how uncomfortable you would be if you were crying while wearing safety goggles. At least in the labs that I worked on, we were constantly goggled up and I'm pretty certain that the lenses would all fog up.
Another thing I don't quite like is that the sulfuric acid and salt into deionizing water don't really jive that well together... like, what experiment is this that uses salty water and sulfuric acid? I think this poem would be a lot cooler if you took an actual experiment and used that to become a better metaphor. I'm sure you can do this!
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