The Groom
Alone at the altar,
waiting, waiting.
The crowd's whispers are
growing, growing.
She said money didn't
matter, matter,
but the ring should have been
bigger, bigger.
The crowd's gone, but I'm still
standing, standing
under the church bells
watching, watching.
The Bride (Five Years Later)
My whole life,
I had been told that my wedding
should show me off to the world.
Giant ring, cupcake dress, no expense spared
on this sunniest of days.
I remember waking up that morning
to the rain threatening all of my plans.
It's a sign, my mother said.
You shouldn't settle for him.
He can't really take care of you.
Just look at that microscopic ring!
These days, I don't have to settle.
I have the jewels, the gowns, the cars.
Anything I ask for,
my husband can make it mine.
He gives me breadcrumbs
to disguise the fact
that I am not the reason his heart beats.
On the coldest nights,
I dream of running into the church
in that soaking-wet dress
to accept your heart and soul--
the greatest gifts I ever had.
I was a fool to ask for more.
A/N: This is a revised NaPo poem based on this image prompt: http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=11.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Wow! This poem really grabbed me by my entrails and dragged me all around the living room floor! Then it took me by my thinning hair and twirled me above its head. Very powerfully written! A true work of art! The emotion of both the groom and the bride are transmitted effectively. I love the way you use the echo-effect, which hints at an empty cathedral or a human chest now bereft of the former hopes as the groom waits for her arrival to no avail. The rain is an excellent addition. It provides the bride with the hesitation and the mother with the opportunity to pounce on it. It also reinforces the sad grieving mood and foreshadows the tears that she will shed.
Suggestion
I would find a substitute for the cliché "heart and soul".
Thanks for reviewing! I'll have to think about ways to fix that line.
I loved this so much!
Thank you!
Hello, Hello!
This is Desdemona of WritingWookies here for a review!
This is a wonderful, emotional piece of beautiful poetry. In a world where one is more worried about money and fame and prestige, it really is common to see such spectacles.
The poor groom! It isn't his fault he has to be held to such high expectations. Society tells us every day that we cannot be happy unless we are rich and live in luxury. This thought seems to have been embedded into the bride's head by her mother! What a shame!
And here is our poor bride, alone and confused. Regretting her actions. Which is also very realistic. Most runaway brides who have run from poverty say they've come to regret it, because what matters most is the love in a marriage. I can relate to the bride's regret and sadness because I too have done similar actions, if not as drastic, in the past.
The groom is also very relatable. Who hasn't waited for someone, or something, knowing that they won't come and blaming themselves for it? It's a terrible, gnawing feeling and I really like how you've made us feel it.
Excellent work!
Keep writing!
Desdemona
Thanks!
Hello IvoryRose here for a review. First off the positive things. It's good that you provided both points of view. You understand both points of view and the reason why the bride did what she did. As well as how she felt after, her thought process, and emotions. The ending was perfect. "I was a fool to ask for more." It summarizes the bride's character in just eight words. You would think she was just selfish and materialist, but she is a person. She has depth and can mature. She matures and learns that love should been her reason for marriage. Not the ring, dress, etc. Her mother's influence was another realist element in her decision. The use of repeating words was a little overused. A first it was clever, he's nervous and needs to reassure himself. Then it got a little annoying and overused. Overall, great poem!
Thanks for the review! I can see your point about the repeating words, but I guess I was going for the repetition from the inspiring comic (higher...no, higher). Plus "The Groom" is so structured that ending the repetition messes up the flow. Thanks again!