Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Your voice was like rain whispering in my ear,
your arms stronger than lightning.
Your eyes shined like a woman's hair in the night wind
with promises of forever.
Our midnights were a supernova of warm bodies
and cracking jokes in crumpled bedsheets,
a storm we never wanted to end.
Well, I didn't want it to end anyway.
My midnights are now a black hole of red wine
and crying alone in my perfectly-made bed,
my hair as greasy as your slippery promises.
I cannot be embraced by lightning
on this windless night under the glare of the moon.
In this drought, all I have left
is my eardrums, remembering the rain.
A/N: This was the result of a Poetry Jam about making the reader care. We were given a line and told to run with it. My line was "the night wind in your eyes like a woman's hair" from "Christmas Eve" by Derek Walcott. Shameless plug: these are awesome and fun and if you like writing poetry you should totes subscribe to the club for updates on future events.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey, Tiana here reviewing.
- Tiana
There's not much to critique here because you've written this really well and I really enjoy the formatting, I particularly like the aesthetics of the poem, and how the first and last stanza is 4 lines, the 2nd and 4th are 3, and the middle is 1 line (petty I know), but it really makes it look good!
Now the only metaphor that made me cringe is the "My hair as greasy as your slippery promises". No doubt this does paint a picture for us and is a great metaphor but I don't think it should be included. It's like saying "Her words were diarrhea, regurgitating lost thoughts and heavy promises" like we understand what you're saying, but nah.
On the other hand, I do love the last stanza... everything about it.
Lastly, in the 2nd stanza, in the last line of it you used the metaphor of a storm for their sex, basically. It would be improved in my opinion if you mentioned the weather or something relating to a storm earlier in the stanza to make the metaphor more developed.
These are all suggestions and by no means am I an expert nor half as good as you! But this is just my first thoughts when reading this.
Have a lovely day
This is Nikayla here for a review as promised!
As you already know, I enjoy this poem, but let's jump into the review nonetheless! The first stanza felt awkward with its phrasing and flow and I don't know how intentional you were meaning to be with that. It feels a bit bombarded with commas but a tiny thing I wanted to touch on was the phrasing, "a woman's hair". I know that it's apart of the prompt that you had thrown in there but I wanted to let out that the wording of it gets on my nerves for some reason. There are images in this stanza that I don't think I would've thought of when thrown at with this prompt and I think that's one of the reasons why I like it. The arms that are like lightning and the night wind being hair in a woman's eyes. The last line was something that I don't think I was as fond of, but it works.
I actually enjoyed the structure that you ended up having because it makes it look nice and neat as well as it kind of separating the poem into two different parts. Another reason why it works because it shows the progression of time between the speaker and their significant other being in love to the speaker ending up being alone in the second half of the poem, which I'll touch more on later as well. Onto the second stanza, I found this to be one of the stronger ones because of the sensory detail and metaphor lying in it. The imagery is probably the strongest part here and I'm just assuming they're sleeping together (though I could be wrong) in this stanza as well as some other things. The one thing I did want to tackle with it is the supernova and storm metaphors being so close together and I think that it was odd at first, but it grew on me.
The interval is strong and gives a sense of voice to the poem which is something that I enjoy. Jumping into the next three-lined stanza, which I've decided the both of them happen to be my favorite out of the poem, it gives a lot of hurt. The change between "Our" to "My", the bed being perfectly made, and then the metaphor in the last line. They're all things that changed and they're all things that remain similar to the second stanza but at the same time, have changed and that progression hurts.
I'm not as big of a fan of the last stanza though it works well enough for an ending. The outer stanzas both feel a little distant from the rest of the poem and in this case I think more-so, and because it takes place during the day this time? I get the pattering of rain being left in the speaker's eardrums, but I think it could have fit better if it was nighttime. This poem works in subtlety referencing itself or changing details from earlier, and in this stanza it's the windless day.
As I've said, I enjoyed the poem and it overall is lovely, but I hope I helped and have a great day!
Thanks for the review! I did make a few minor changes to the first and last stanzas based on what you said. I changed the punctuation in the first stanza and edited the "night wind" line. I agree that it was awkward, so I messed around with the order. Hopefully it makes more sense now. I also changed the last stanza to night because I think you're right about that. Thanks again!
This was very descriptive. I enjoyed it. The characters emotions were brought to life and I could see the entire scene playing in front of my eyes. Good one!
Thank you!